THE CAMPUS OF SORROW

I could see her when I got down through the state. Just at the center of the field she was sitting. Many crows were flying around her. A girl within a number of crows! It was matter of surprise and amazing also to me. I stepped forward and told –

You had a very good friendship with crows.

She could not hear me for the sound of crow. When she stood up then the crows started more sound with flying. She was about to run while she was coming to me. I have not expected to such extent and I became little surprised. She came near me laughing. She had a sweet laugh at the corner of her lips and she told –

Did you tell me anything?

I laughed and told –

I told that you have a very good relation with crow.

She answered me with a little complaint –

I was very hungry. I thought to eat something sitting in the field. Now see the situation. Where from they came I could not understand.

I was so delighted to hear her and amazed to see her. She hesitated a little and told me –

Would you eat some thing?

I became more amazed with her such question and answered her-

No, thanks, you take.

She was a bit ashamed to lift her eyes to me with her paper packet in the hand with a cake –

Then, let me go.

Yes.

Having a busy posture she went to the center of the field and within a moment the crows came there. She made the cake in her hand powder and threw to them and they started more crying flying and sounding to the last extent. While I was seeing this then one of my friends came there by my side. He was Mamun. He touched my shoulder and told –

Well you have done with her. I saw every thing. She came running while you called. I think something will be.

I laughed and told –

No, nothing anything like that. But I can tell that my relation with her is good. Since beginning she behaved well with me from her side and I think she is practically a good girl.

Mamun had the same opinion and told –

Yes, she is a very good girl. It appeared from her deliberation.

Mamun went away for his own work. I proceeded to my hall. I was a little overwhelmed by the incidents those happened just before in the field of the annex building. It flashed me back a little.

I came to the class after one month of starting the class. While the final examination of the first year was going on some days before I became very much ill. Due to my ailing I became unable to participate to my examination. I got myself admitted to the same class, which appeared to me very much insulting to me. Besides, I was not in good mental disposition. So I did not attend class since days before. On the first day when I went to the class I did not have much talk with anybody. Almost all are the new faces as this was the first year class. I had little talks with my old friends who have due to different reasons got themselves admitted again to the same class. I did not feel desire to remain in the class. The same lecture to hear, I did not like it. Yet remained sitting and observed that the first year students in spite of coming to the university education were not yet been able to leave their uneasiness. So like an unwritten law the girls and boys were sitting with not very friendly, rather they were isolating. It could be understood that they felt easy in this way. Because if one or two girls some how come amongst them then apparent uneasy postures are seen in the boys. That place becomes the cyclone center and all students without glace remains staring to these girls. But in case of girls there is a difference. If any boy comes to the girls then girls remain almost easy. They don’t stare to him, rather the boys who do not dare to talk or come in front of the girls, but discuss in respect of girls become surprised and remained staring to him. These boys discuss the girls from their hair to the end of the nails and going through this way they very eagerly and delightedly discussed every nook and corners of the girls. But when they are students of third or fourth year then this rends diminish. At that time mutual understanding on friendly basis appears along with study. The boys and girls sit according to their own will. The boy who once liked to make affairs with a girl in concealment he easily moves through the corridor with his girl friend. A young lady with all her wealth remains by his side he never feels uneasy then.

In our class also the boys and girls sit separately. Naturally the boys become more eager about the girls and their behaviour rather than being attentive to the class board and sir. If under any circumstances the lace of underwear of any girl is appeared then in a moment the news spreads in the whole class. If the girl becomes conscious about her inattentiveness then while being careful to make the thing proper also think with her sixth sense that number of eyes are attached with her.

I came to the class after a long gap and the students were seeing me in different way. One or two sitting by my side asked me about my long absence. I answered with neglect that I was not well. In fact a gloomy sense was upon me and that made me unable to attentive to anything. May be that it was the outburst of my aversion to formal education that I nourished since lifelong or it may be pains of birth of an incidents not yet happened.

I was seeing the girls again and again in the class. I minutely was seeing the fresh girls in the campus who are eagerly attentive to the face of the teacher who is giving lecture. Though they were not being able to understand fully yet they were trying to get an idea over the matter. This will help them to make clear the idea after getting notes from the seniors and reading century old books with dirt in the library. These were my previous experience. I thought that the new comer boys and girls none have this idea which I have along with the friends who are attached to me.

Suddenly my eyes are clogged with the face of a girl. I saw the girl with her overflowing youth of twenty years and its outstanding beauty. I felt something unknown feelings in my heart. Hot flow appears to be running through backbone. I felt restlessness. But all these happened without outward expression. Even the person sitting by my side could not be able to understand storm inside me. Human mind is a surprising thing, the most mysterious one.

After the class we all came out of the class room as early as possible and stood on veranda. Some moved to the tea stall and some claims taka two to his friends catching his leg with fun to buy a cigarette. I was standing at the railing of the veranda. That was my first day, no friends as yet. I was not willing to talk with old friends then. In fact after seeing the girl I was feeling something additional in my heart. Without any reason I felt bad in mind. I felt myself helpless and everything less.

I was observing gradually and understood that the girl is of different in nature, mysterious. She talks giving gap and smiles while talking. Her upper lips is a little small in size and while smiling she creates pressure on the lips that makes more beautiful to look. She was free and If found her talking with my old friends Babu and Bashir after the class. They all were laughing. I felt very much desirous to go with them and to make joy. But it was not possible. I was not yet known to the girls. Later on I came to know from Bashir and Babu that these two girls are Popy and Seema. Understanding my desire Babu told that all right I shall make yiu introduced with those two girls.

The epoch making hero Tom Cruze of Hollywood is my idol. I am over glad both with his acting and beauty. My friends circle knew about this choice. Besides my attitudes to cinema was also exaggerative. I have lost much meaningful time seeing cinema. But I never thought this time to be lost, rather while seeing movie I could forget everything of the world. In a deep attachment with the movie I went to mix with the story of the film. I thought myself as one of the character of the movie and tears came out while there was any emotional sequence. I could enjoy the sequence of happiness and delight. I could not stop seeing because that may be cause of loss of any good sequence. Particularly during video seeing if I would face call of nature then that would have been very much annoying to me. While going to bathroom I frequently looked to the back. I could not even stand up to the bath room until the situation would have been dangerous. I could remember that while my two years study in higher secondary level I saw almost two hundred fifty movies. Once I thought to collect the names of Bangla movies and this was hobby. First I wrote names of the movies those are known to me and then collected the names from other residents of the home and thereafter I collected names from friends, known persons and others. If anybody came to our home then I asked him –

Please tell me the names of movies you have seen or know.

First they became surprised and then asked –

Why? Would you tell me?

I am collecting the names of Bangla Film. I laughed. He also became delighted and started telling the names of Bangla Films. I started writing the names taking pen and paper those I always kept in my pocket. So delighted I had been then. I can remember that in a week I was able to write names of five hundred Bangla films. I was not attached with such work for long time Because the names I would get next times already had in my note. At last the papers got resort under the bed upon which my pillow remains. This attachment with names of cinema lasted for one year when I was a student of class seven an my age was only twelve years. There was another madness upon me when the time was before admission in the university after the end of the higher secondary education examination. I decided to make an album with the cinema stars. Immediately after I started the work. I brought big size paper from Banglabazar. I then purchased cinema bichitra. I collected beautiful photos of the cinema artists, got them pasted in my album and in this way I made my art work of hobby. I can not remember the nu,mber of nights I have passed sleepless for this purpose. In my leisure period I would see my extend of work. I became so delighted seeing my work. Within a short period I made two albums. My album pages were full of beautiful photos of cinema artists, unavailable a many pictures and the likes. My all friends praised the same. I became delighted with the pure heartiest expression from my friends about my album.

However my exparte love to Tom Cruze and being seriously involved with cinema all my friends made fun with me and called me Tom Cruze. But this was limited with us.

When I entered the class room I found they all are sitting there. Seeing me Babu turned his face to me and with a smile he told –

Hi, Tom Cruze. Come here.

Yes, coming.

In a bench of the boy I selected my place and proceeded forward. I felt a hesitation and I was sure that this was not appeared on my face. When I went there they all turned face and Babu shook hands with me. Bashir laughed an idiotic laugh and Babu said while laughing –

This is our Tom Cruze.

They became surprised and I also became surprised with such behaviour of Babu.

In order to make the situation normal Babu told –

He is Monir. We call him as Tom Cruze. He largely adores to Tom Cruze.

Frequently I use the word large. It some type of habit and I could not help stop loving seeing the style of telling this by Babu. In this circumstances Popy told –

But who is Tom Cruze?

Babu told –

You live in Dhaka, but you don’t know Tom Cruze. You know a very little. Tom Cruze is the epoch making hero in Hollywood.

I have not seen any movie of him. She was surprised and told –

I am not very habituated to see video.

Yet living in Dhaka you have not heard the name of Tom Cruze, this is most surprising. If you were from a village then this could be accepted. Babu continued to tell.

I told that I knew the girls of Dhaka are very much adoring to Tom Cruze. They can not have good sleep if the photo of Tom Cruze is not hanging in their bed room. Then tell me some names of his movies, Popy told me.

This was the first time that Popy talked with me.

Rain Man, Far and Away. I answered.

At times all the boys and girls took their seats. I understood that the teacher is coming. I also returned and took my seat and from time I was seeing Popy. I was feeling well. After the end of the class I made a little formality and went away.

On the next day When I turned up to the class then I found her sitting. She saw me and told –

Hi. Hear me.

I was bit embarrassed, but smiling to her I proceeded. She told –

Yesterday after going to residence I brought a movie of Tom Cruze. It is rain man. In the evening I shall see the picture.

It’s a very good movie. You will like it. I told in such way that I have seen the movie many times. In fact not only the Rain Man, I have never seen any movie of Tom Cruze. My attraction to him only on the basis of articles published on the newspaper and journals. His photographs in different style delighted me and most of them are remaining in my album.

Next day she came to the class and informed me that due to bad print she was not able to see the picture. She was sad for not being able to see it and I felt well for this. She told –

She will bring the movie again to see.

OK. It’s all right.

Then Seema came. She is the friend of Popy. Seema laughed and told –

How are you Tom Cruze?

I laughed a little and told that I am well.

We could not proceed more. We heard the sound the sound of foot step of our sir and went to the class hurriedly.

The matter I have discussed in the commencement of the story happened after some days of our knowing each other. For this reason the matter made a big thought within me. We were being close day by day. At times I became their friend and even I could not understand how it happened. I could understand that the delightedness of Popy and very simple behaviour made the easy for us., and particularly for me. I had a strong wish to be their friend and in this way the desire was ended. I started to like the class, liked everything in the department and thought myself to be happy.

I earned my tuition fee being tutor. One was at the evening and the other was by the night. Naturally it would be more night to return. After return I had my dinner and then walking through the side of the pond of Shahidullah Hall. I met there Babu and Bashir. They stopped seeing me. We sat their. Deep night. There were no many men. I saw Babu sad and I asked about it –

What happened to you?

Babu told and in precise the matter is as follows.

Since beginning was in love with Popy. The matter was concealed within him alone. She never told it to anybody. Popy was also not to be understood. Now the matter to him is going beyond control. He can not help the matter stopped.  He is unable to tell heard what could be done in such situation.

I heard and told that everything should be informed to her.

They also agreed that this should be told. But they were in hesitation that whether this should be directly told or not.

this depends upon under standing of Popy with him. If he thinks that he such relation and understanding with Popy that even after telling the matter directly to her t this will not create any unwanted situation then this can be told and that will be good. If she accepted then well, if not then remain friend as earlier. But it depends upon Babu. Because this is completely a matter of personal concept and confidence. I expressed my opinion.

It was deep night and our discussion was closed without decision. On that night Babu saw a dream with Popy. After sleep he woke up and started weeping. Basir asked him the reason of such thing and after hearing he came to the class leaving Babu in his bed. We had a friend named Nitol. He was a brave boy. He made an occurrence day and after that he was different in the eyes of the classmates.

Shimul was a student of our class. He came from Barisal Cadet College and he was a good student. He was not able to achieve the expected result. He expected to study engineering, or to enter into army or become a doctor. But at least he had to study a very normal subject in the university and this subject was Statistics. Since he was not able to get chance as per his choice so he had to take this subject. However this situation started to make him abnormal gradually. He started to do such funny things in the class those were abnormal. At first everybody took this to be fun and at last they understood the abnormality. Shimul and I were gossiping with a girl named Tumpa. Suddenly Shimul told, would you like to hear a joke?

Tumpa loved a little and told, yes.

Tumpa and me were eagerly seeing his face to hear the joke. When he started to tell then I became afraid as the joke was known to me. The joke was so much ugly and dirty that not to say about a girl rather it was not possible even to tell in presence of any friend. I was sweating and felt that I had never been such disgusting situation before. Tumpa and I were laughing like idiots and immediately after the end of the joke I left the place with an excuse leaving Tumpa with her red ashamed chicks.

Another day. We came to know that class will not be held on that day. If sir comes late then we doubt like this. If we can know that sir will not come then it becomes a matter of joy endlessly and the same thing happened on that day. We were tired after on class and getting such leisure we became very glad. Suddenly Shimul went to the class board. He cleaned it and all of us seeing what he does. He started writing one after another the matter of love. Everybody with eagerness started to read it. Some times hewas writing such things we were being ashamed and it was not possible for us to see our girls out of shame. In this way when there was no space to write in the board then started upside corner over the previous writing. We burst into laugh. He did not care. He started cleaning the board with duster and he made his body white with the chalk powder. Then all shouted saying that, my God, he has become mad.

One night he came to my room, when I was not there. I entered the room and found him and I asked him, what’s the matter?

He told –

Come with me to my room. I will show you a very nice thing my friend.

I told, what was the thing?

You will see it going to my room. Bara Bhai, you will also come with us. It’s a funny thing. Everybody who has seen it has praised it. You will also praise.

I was hesitating. The person who has been called Bara Bhai isour Mukta Bhai. He is my room mate and a masters examinee. He was so senior to us that I would talk with him very less. If there would have any essential thing to discuss then we would talk. But Shimul was saying so easily that it was surprising to me. By any way he is my friend. Any abnormality of him is a matter to me.

I said hurriedly that, let’s go to see. Mukta Bhai is getting preparation for the examination. He will go later on to see.

He did not create any more pressure. I heaved a shy of relief. I went to the fourth floor in his room and found that there are four nice pictures are hanging on the wall.  I praised them overwhelm. Later on I came to know that in order to see these pictures he called many girls and boys with senior ones to his room. Until very much close calling a girl to the room appears to be not good. If not very close then no girl will be willing to come to the room of the boy. Many girls were embarrassed with his proposal. 

The matter is not end here. There are something more. With this Shimul the main problem of Nitol was held. Hearing the sound of coming our teacher all of us trying to get seat as early as possible and then there was a collision of leg of Shimul with the leg of a girl. The girl was pushed strongly and Nitol seeing this asked him as to why he has pushed her like this? Shimul told, why I shall push her, rather had the push herself. Moreover if I pushed her then what would have the matter to you?

Shimul told this with a bit of anger. Nitol did not like that anybody being angry will tell him something. He became angry and the friends brought the matter to an end for the time being. At that time the class was started. Sir asked a question to Shimul and then and then he started telling irrelevantly. Everybody was surprised to see Shimul talking like this. Nitol became angry and told to sit. Shimul then left Sir and started to talk with Nitol. When Sir became angry then both of them stopped. Immediately after the end of the class the remaining part of the quarrel started. None of them was willing to give any space to other. There was threat from both the sides and at last end with threat that they each will see later on. Nitol was not very regular in the class. He does not know about the mental disposition of Shimul. He thought the threat of Shimul to be true and so he went to bring the so called “Mal”.

I was not present in the class at first and all these happened during the first class. Before starting the second class I entered the class room. Normally Shimul got me sit by his side. Shimul and I were the boys of the same area and his father was very much close to my brother. When his father came then he told me to take care of him. So I tried to remain with him always. I also tried to make him understand many things. Shimul also was depending upon me on many matters. Suddenly he bowed his head and told me –

Monir, please see the matter. Nitol has gone to the hall to bring arms and he will kill me.

Why? What is the matter? I was surprised to hear. He told that he will tell everything later on. If he comes then you will resist him. You have good relation with him.

I told him that –

OK. I shall see the matter. Don’t think about this.

Just at that time I saw Nitol standing outside. He was wearing a chadar. In this summer noon and wearing chadar! In fact everybody could understand the situation. Babu and Shohag went out of the class. They tried to make Nitol understand and our teacher became surprised with all these things. I went out. Nitol was standing with support of railing I embraced him and told not to make any disaster. I told more that I shall make him understand. Please go to your room. If there is any disaster in the class then you will be of bad name. He is suffering some mental disability. Please don’t mind anything upon him. Nitol moved. I understood that I might be successful. However while Nitol went he told that if the same matter happened again then he will not leave. Thereafter we made an amicable settlement as per will of Shimul. Shimul entertained us with sweetmeats. But we found fast deterioration of his mental disposition. One night after coming o the room I heard he has done things in the room that his room mates has informed his brother in law to come. His brother in law came and took him to the residence. Thereafter we came to know that his father has taken to him to Barisal and he is now under treatment. His father will come here to take his educational documents and will arrange to get him admitted to honors class of any subject. So ill fate! He could not study in the university.

After this all of our friends considered that Nitol is practically a brave boy. As Nitol was our friend so he remained with us closely. Before starting class Bashir told Nitol all about Babu. Nitol also had closeness with Seema and Popy. Nitol without thinking anything told everything to Popy, not even he left to  tell about dream and his weeping. The problem started then. Popy had some problem in her residence. May be she never thought of making love with any boy of the class. She always maintained a distance in making easy relation with the boys of the class, or she may fall into a close attachment. Besides, she was annoyed with Babu for an incident that took place some days before. The incident was Seema and Popy were going to their residence after the class through a rickshaw. Since the residence of both was side by side so they always move through one rickshaw. This was  secured and also money saving. Babu, Bashir and Nitol with a rickshaw were following them and at a certain time Popy saw them. They returned then and then but Popy was annoyed for the incident. Yet she considered, but after hearing everything from Nitol she became actually annoyed. She appeared to be very much unhappy and Bashir and Nitol understood that they have not done well. They would have known attitude of Popy first. Bashir was also unable o think that Nitol will do such thing without consideration. Babu heard everything, he became ashamed of the matter. He also became angry with Popy for her denial. Babu, Bashir and Nitol decided that they will never talk with Popy. They also requested me not to talk withher. But I informed that I have no conflict with them and my relation with them will remain as before. They told me that if I maintain relation with them then they will not talk with me.

I did not tell anything. But Nitol told –

You will talk with them. The matter is with us. We shall not.

Nitol was right and all of them admitted it. Now in such position I became the only boy friend to them and day by day I was being closed to them. At a time Babu thought that we think him enemy and we laughed at him. Particularly I make ill opinion about him to Popy and Seema and in this way I am trying to be dear to them. I have fallen in love with Popy and I am trying to grasp her. Due to this they called me caretaker and it was for the reason that I almost always remained with them and also tried to help them in any way. I did not feel bad and I clearly inform Babu that they were wrong. I told that I did not love Popy and I had no intention to love Popy. I told more that Popy will never in any love affairs with any boy of the class. She thinks everybody as her friend. This is beyond her taste and her family will not admit it. She will be married according to decision of he family and opinion of Popy will get no value in this respect. She is the youngest one of the family and still she is considered in the family as a little girl.

I knew all these things through Seema, with whom I have already developed a very good relation, meanwhile. I considered her as a very good girl and most of us are unanimous with my opinion about her.

It was nineteen hundred ninety four. Leftist Democratic Alliance has called hartal on eight June. Massive preparation has been started to make the hartal successful. Meanwhile postering has been done every where. Student meetings were being called every now and then at Kalabhaban. Miking was arranged for six June throughout Dhaka. On five at night Reza Bhai, the university general secretary of Chattra League (B.K.) called me in his room. He briefed me the program of the next day. I agreed  to go with him delightfully. Politics, movement and all these things were never attractive to me. My attraction to only the literature and cinema. I thought to pass my life with these. But I could not.

During commencement of my university life an incident happened that turned my life to untitled destination. Now I shall tell this.

I lived in a mess at Malibagh and rent was only three hundred fifty. The condition of the mess was very bad. During summer all rooms became flooded. One day I came from the varsity and found my bed, books and all other things are wet to last extent. I felt very bad and decided to find a better mess. But when thought of rent amount I stopped thinking. Any good  mess in Dhaka city will be rented to five hundred taka. This means I shall need additional one hundred fifty taka. Three hundred fifty was a burden for me. Because my monthly income from two tuition was only taka one thousand. After meeting seat rent and maintenance there remained a very little amount, which would be spent as pocket money. I had to think if I needed to spend even one taka.

With the commencement of summer the inter departmental football competition started. I participated to this tournament from my department. One day after the end of the play we all went to the pond situated in between Fazlul Haque Hall and Shahidullah Hall to get bath. From their we went to canteen to have meal and at the end for the purpose of rest we came to sit by the side of the pond. Mahmud, one of our friend, always takes cigarettes, called a boy to bring  cigarette. While smoking he asked me –

Where do you live?

I answered –

In a mess of Malibagh

Why don’s you find a seat in the hall?

I have no known person. I answered with frustration.

What nonsense! We are here. All right we shall arrange seat for you, he told. He talked with a friend of him named Nurul and told me that within a very short period they will take me to the hall.

After two or three days he told me that he had talk with his leader and the leader has told to take me to him. I became a little hesitating hearing about politics. Nurul understood it and assured me that, this is nothing. But none can get seat in the hall if not he is a member of any party. Our party is small and activity is limited. There is nothing to tension. I am here in hall for about a month. I have not been engaged with so much work. Very seldom we had some program. Don’t think. Many boys are doing this.

After the end of the class we went to that leader in Shahidullah Hall. We had our talks standing on the road. It was decided that for the time being I shall come to Nurul with my materials and within a short period I shall be sent to hall seat.  Nurul I are of the students of Fazlul Haque Hall. Since there was no seat in Fazlul Haque Hall so he was remaining in Shahidullah Hall. One certain night I came to Nurul with all my materials. I changed my dress and sitting on the khat asked Nurul –

What is the name of our party?

JSD Chhatra League, he answered.

I had no idea about leftist movement.  But always I had hatred to socialist world always. The freedom of men are lost and men become the slave of the constitution, I heard like this and since then I had such hatred. I had never thought that I shall be associated with leftist movement. But the luck was of different side. I came under the banner of the leftist movement. I was so overturned that I had even forget to ask the name of the  political party. In fact a shelter was needed for me very much. All other things were little to me against the said necessity. In this way I came to the hall to save me from the uncertainty. At least the problem of shelter was solved in this way. All these were immediately after my getting admission to the university and now it was before one year.

I had no interest on Hartal or movement issues. Yet I had weakness to microphone. I would like that while I shall be miking then the mouth speaker will be in my hand and every body will hear my voice. I would think that a very busy person will try to hear me, a housewife busy within the kitchen will call her attendant or a boy will tell

- Go and here what is being told in the mike. That boy will run to railing of the balcony and will try to hear me. I liked it very much to think over the situation. What Reza Bhai thought that I don’t know, but I felt a joy and seeing in imagination that I have a mouth piece in my hand and I am speaking. This is the happiness that I like most. I never thought on as to what the hartal will bring for us. I thought that I don’t understand politics and at the same time I felt that this not knowing the thing is not a matter of sorrow to me. No family member of me had been attached with   politics. I have seen one of my sister to be the prey of politics. She had to leave the husband being the prey of village politics and later on she was married to a second person. Still now when I remember the affectionate face of my sister I always feel to spit on the face of the po9litics.

Before sleeping Reza Bhai told me to call him early in the morning. If not then taxi will be unavailable and he will have to travel through Rickshaw and Mukta Bhai will be with him. Knowing this I felt a hesitation. It is a bit difficult to move with a senior brother throughout the day. I had an addiction to cigarette, yet having some uneasiness. Many seniors become free-minded and then there would have no problem, but Mukta Bhai was not of that character. I had a mixed relation with him, a bit friendship and to some extent a relation of respect. I went to the bed with tension and at time I slept. I woke up at the early morning and then I went Taj Mike Service with Mukta Bhai and Reza Bhai. We had our breakfast there. I went with Mukta Bhai through a taxi and I had a very romantic feelings then. We miked with shift in almost all the roads and lanes of Dhaka till it was noon. We were coming to Kakrail turning point through Malibagh and we thought to have our meal at the hall. When we crossed Shantibag turning point then police resisted us. They wanted to see permission. Mukta Bhai showed. Mukta Bhai showed the paper written by Babu Bhai. The police officer on duty told that the paper is of permission to conduct meeting by Bsad at Manik Miah Avenue and that has been ended during the last month. We had no permission of miking on today and we miking at a restricted area. They told that we shall have to go the police station.

I became afraid of hearing the order of the police officer and at the same time I became angry with the leaders. I could not find any good reason to send us in such way without permission. I thought about the efficiency of the leaders. I could not find any reason to remain attach with such leaders who are unable to obtain a permission of miking and to conduct a meeting. I was very much angry with them and I could not understand as to when the happiness from my mind has been wiped out. At a certain stage I felt some bitter taste in mouth and felt that I am very much hungry. Meanwhile we had been put to custody and the is under lock. I left the will of having food and to answer the call of nature when I proceeded forward I faced an unendurable bad smell. Some I moved to a place where the smell is less and then I could take breathing. The first coming to jail could create a romance to me but in fact the matter created sorrow and I was the point of crying. I tried to accept the situation. By this time a police came to the door and asked for some money if we wanted to eat anything. I gave money telling him to bring bread and banana.

We were two, but I ordered for three persons. More three persons also were in the custody. After discussion with them I came to know that he is a taxi driver and for quarrelling with another taxi driver they have been arrested by the police. About twenty five years old taxi driver having his complexion not very bright with dispersed hair on head.. Her told that he is not guilty and he has meanwhile sent message about him to his employer. The another one person is of twenty years aged young man. He had been in attachment with a prostitute and that is why the police has arrested him.. Both of them were arrested, but the mother of the prostitute has came and got release of her daughter.. The young man has sent information to near relations and after they have come something they will do for him.

The third one is a little girl. She would work in the residence of a person and her mother also does the same work in another residence. The little girl while after completion of her work was going to her mother then she lost the way and started crying. A generous man has brought him to this police station. She is unable to tell her address. She can tell only the name of her village and also told that if she is in the village then she will be able to find out her residence. Police has arranged a person to take her and they will start to the village next day.

The two young men had money with them and they ordered food according to their choice. The little girl had no money and this was supposed to be right. We ordered to bring food for her. After a while a nut seller came and we purchased some nuts and small edible items from him and gave share to the little girl. She became very happy.

Banana and bread came after some time. I could just throw it down to my stomach some how. I was spitting again and again. After eating it stopped. A distant brother in law of mine is the officer in charge of the police station. He lives in the boundary of the police station. I have tried to send message to him, meanwhile. I could know that my brother in law is now on duty. My sister could not come as there was none in the residence. My only nephew then was in the college. After arrival to residence he knew about me and came to the police station. He was afraid and with very low voice he told –

What is the case uncle, is it arms related? I laughed a little  and told him that, nothing like that. I was miking and considering the police has arrested me.

He told me that his father has been informed. He will come very soon and will arrange the matter. He told that if it is not arm related case then nothing to worry. May be today or if not surely you will be released tomorrow.

He did not make any more lately. He went out for his private tuition.

When we were arrested then we gave some money to the taxi driver to go to party office for giving information in respect of us. But the man is not yet returned. We were annoyed.

This time the police came and informed us when the leaders of us would come then we shall be released. We heaved a shy of relief. We started to wait for our leaders.

After some time my brother in law came. He was wearing safari and I became astonished seeing such dress. He told that he is not in duty now. Just now he was in residence after duty. He asked me questions like his son and we answered in the same way. He told that he would talk to the duty officer and shall arrange everything. But the duty officer was not in the office. He was out and on contact over phone he informed that after arriving the police station he will arrange our release. He told us not to be worried and went out. Then came our Quyaum Bhai and without telling us anything he went inside the police station room and came out after a while, informed us within a very short period we shall be released. Immediately after a police came and opened the door. I could not remember whether this was the police who arrested us. We came out bidding good by to all other remaining in custody. We showed our feelings to the little girl touching her head and laughed a little to other two young men. They also laughed to us. We went to the room and undertook release from the officer on duty. He advised us to study attentively.

Quayum Bhai told us to hire taxi and informed that we shall have to go TSC right now. Everybody was waiting there, he informed. He also told us that coming under custody for doing politics is a matter of pride. But I was very tired, hungry and for not having bath his opinion appeared to me as fried bread.

Day after when I was in the varsity then everybody knew the matter. Popy wanted to know if I had been beaten by the police. With a pride I answered, the politicians are never beaten by the police. It’s not so easy. I did not understand whether she believed me, but I found her to be sad.

Days passed one after another and our friendship becomes more and more deep with the passing time. Being at the class I went to them and start gossiping. After end of the class we get sown and move with them up to the gate and wait till they find a rickshaw. In this friendship proceeds forward and never agree to any resistance. The embryo of nourished dream in the core of the heart began growing up, took strong position, had confidence to each other, increase attachments day by day. I feel much if she does not come to the class any day. Feel much on the off day of the varsity. I think always about her, feels an irresistible attraction to her. I don’t know whether this is love, but I understand that she likes me and I understand this with her words and works and dealings.

One day I was standing on the veranda. She came and told me that she will drink water. The style of her saying and asking me for water was such that the thing like water is lying with me only and I am the person who can give it to her to drink.

We went to the cafe and ordered for cake and singara. But she took only a glass of water and stood to go away. I told her to eat and she answered that she will not eat. Telling this she went out of the cafe. I denied the food I ordered and came out. A little far she was standing with smile in face. I could not be annoyed upon her. I came near and asked-

What’s the matter? Why did you not eat?

You have not taken me to eat. Why should I?

I see. But since I gave order so you ought to have eaten.

Let see for the next time.

Days were passing and our relationship was also being strong. One day we had some work in the department and assuming late in doing work we decided to eat something before. There was no good hotel near the annexed building. We went to medical college canteen. As soon as we entered Popy told-

I shall not eat rice.

No, we shall eat rice.

I never eat rice outside.

She had a strong expression in telling and I could easily understand that she will not eat rice. I requested her much yet, but she did not hear me. Lastly Seema and me ate rice. In the shop there was only zeelapi except rice. She ordered for zeelapi in this mid noon. We had been very much eager for felt hungry to eat and so in such position we did not care and with annoyance we started eating rice.. While she was eating zeelapi she told,

You are very hungry, isn’t it?. You eat with your full content and let me see.

I could not stop laughing having full mouth rice.

I have  habit of eating betel-nut. Besides, eating in the hotel is someway different and so I felt much for eating a betel-nut. When I told about it she became surprised and told,

If you take betel-nut then you will not walk with me.

Seema told, what is the wrong in taking betel-nut? It is better to have a sweet betel-nut after eating in the hotel, or it feels like vomiting.

She gave me some dried spice in my hand and told-

Take this. It is not necessary to take betel-nut.

I wanted to take spices from her hand and she gave little.

I told-

So small quantity it is!

She gave all her spices in hand to me. I requested to take a little from there, but she denied. She smiled.

And then she made her own attracting posture in face and head, that she does very frequently while talking. It is so much attracting to me, but I can’t tell her. In fact I have many things tell, but I can not.

We proceeded to Rokeya Hall. We reached the hall gate, when she told-

Please wait for a little. I shall sent a message to the residence. Otherwise everybody will be worried. We shall not be able to complete our work before evening.

I told-

It’s alright. But have you coin? You will need it.

Yes I have coin.

How much?

Only two I have. You gave to me.

I told her to take more two, as these two may lost.

No. Not necessary. These two will do.

I created pressure and told-

No, this will not do.

With utmost unwillingness she took more two coins. After a considerable time she came with sad face

What’s the matter? Did you not phone?

Yes, I did. But there is an incident.

What is that?

Four coins were necessary. First three were lost and the last one came to effect.

Is it?

I am sorry Monir. I shall never tell anything over your advice. I shall obey you.

I told her-

It’s alright. Let us go.

We started walking towards Nilkhet. I shall have to get some important notes copied. We had been walking side by side. Suddenly she started talking.

I  become bound to  come to you in spite of my desire to avoid you. May be throughout my life I shall have to come to you again and again.

Yet you refuse.

So I do. I became defeated to you again and again and for this I am very much angry with you.

It was mid-day. Strong sun hit was not making us able to walk. We hired two rickshaws, one for two of them and another one was for me. Two rickshaws were moving side by side. I saw the end of Orrna of Popy is moving on the wheel of the rickshaw. I shouted to draw attention of Popy.

She told me if it torn out then you will buy another one for me.

May be I shall do that. But if you commit accident in this way then how shall fulfil the damage that will happen to you.

She laughed hearing me. She was enjoying this, I thought.

After going to Nilkhet we handed over all papers to a shop. I Told Seema and Popy after their sitting in front of the shop that

You sit here. I am coming.

I purchased some fruits. I thought that Popy has eaten only some zeelapi and it might be that she is very much hungry and she is getting pains for it. Besides we took rice full contents to our stomach and on the other side she will remain only on zeelapi appeared to me as an absurd thing. I took the fruits and gave her. She became very much surprised.

I don’t take much fruits. Why did you purchase so much for nothing?

Then would you remain without food?

Then, let me eat later on.

And now you will not eat anything?

Cold drinks I shall take.

Cold drinks in empty stomach!

Yes.

All right. Let’s go and I shall get you drink cold ones.

We both went to a confectionary shop and ordered for two mirindas. I ended my one hurriedly and went to pay the bill. But she resisted me.

I shall pay the bill.

What’s the problem if I pay?

Nothing problem, but I shall pay.

Meanwhile I have paid bill to the shopkeeper. She told the shopkeeper back the money and to take bill from her. he shopkeeper did not care. Popy became angry and told

Only payment of bill does not comply with the things.

I laughed on her angry and to reduce anger I told her-

I shall go to Seema and tell her when you ordered for cold drinks to the shopkeeper then he gave you a little one. You returned the bottle and told to give big one and the shopkeeper gave you a one litre bottle. You asked for a pipe. The shopkeeper told he has no big size pipe. You ordered him to give the supply pipe. The shopkeeper became surprised and gave you a heavy pipe and you with that pipe ended the bottle with one sip.

She appeared to be very angry with this joke, but I was sure that her anger was not true.

I requested her to eat he fruits. But she did not and that raised anger within me. I told her to take the fruits while going through rickshaw and she will be able to eat them while going. She did not take and that hurt me much and proceeded to hall with a rickshaw. I felt myself insulted very much. I felt much anger on her. I thought the extent up to which I like her she did not like to that level. I decided not to talk with her. Though I know well that it is impossible for me to remain abstain from her without dialogue.

A picnic party was being arranged in the department. We all decided to go and some of us who were not readily agreed were also agreed after request for going with us. But Popy was unwilling to go under any circumstances. She was telling the situation of the residence. Her parents will not allow her to go in such picnic with them. Besides, she had an experience of facing an accident in a picnic while she was student of high school. Since then her parents do not allow him to go anywhere without their escort. She will not go under any circumstances. I did not care all these things. Straightway I asked her whether she will go or not.

Very strongly she told that she will not.

I told her

You will go and surely you will go. I told everybody that she will go and that’s the end of all decisions.

What did he think I don’t know, but she told that she will go. Everybody became happy and started preparation for going to picnic. It was decided that Seema, Popy and I shall take camera. Popy told me –

OK. You need not bring camera. I shall bring one.

We came to the campus in the early morning. It was surprising that the bus was not yet there. We became a bit annoyed. By this time Popy and Seema came and we started gossip. To the end of our annoyance the bus arrived at nine hours morning. We had not yet have our breakfast and we all were very hungry. We boarded to the bus and started going towards Kotbari, Comilla. That was our picnic spot.

Due to unknown reason the bus suddenly stopped on the way. Some of us got down. I saw Popy was turning up and down something black on her lap. I asked and she answered that some problem has arisen in the camera and it is not being on. I tried to understand the problem in the camera with my limited knowledge about it and I thought that the battery has been disconnected. Some others were also shown, but none could detect the problem. I lost my hope to get picture with camera. Popy told me

Don’t be upset. I shall arrange another camera for your use to get photo. It was about late mid-day that we reached our destination and we got down as sudden fall of things. At that time we were given the breakfast, which almost have turned to non edible items then. However we took as we could and we became very much annoyed with the managers who arranged the picnic. Next time we shall arrange the picnic—with such idea and thought we tried to get some relief of sorrow. We had more reasons to be annoyed. Bus was supposed to be arranged three and in that place there were two buses, for some of our friends were standing in the bus while coming to the picnic spot. Going to picnic through standing on the bus was not acceptable to them, for which they were scolding the persons who arranged the picnic. After breakfast we proceeded to see the sites. The site was beautiful. Small hills remained scattered throughout the area. Our stoppage of the bus was a place surrounded by shal tree, a small hill. There was no grass on the ground and for using the place with so many persons the place was full of dirt.  Everyday number of parties comes there and it was normal that the place would be like this. The on which we go also came a number of parties and the place like a fair.

After a bit forward we found a high hill. The boys were able to jump down. Naturally the girls were showing different annoying postures, some of them were crying and all these things were a bit stupid styling. We helped them. One after another we brought them down with arm support. But Popy among all of them was in hesitation. She was unable to take the thing easy that a boy would catch her and help her coming down. I shouted to come down and as she was having a high heel, so she was unable to control and suddenly fall on me while coming down. All were laughing. But Popy pretended to be very normal and told

This is nothing. What do you think Monir?

Right. But if you would catch my hand strongly hen this would not happen. Catching hands of one while it is necessary is never anything crime and you should understand it.

Thereafter we were passing through small hills. After completion of going top of one we were taking preparation to pass another. Each time while coming down I was helping Popy and in this way she could be a bit free.

We were walking side by side. Popy told that-

She wanted to come wearing –shirt, jeans and cades. Now you tell me, is it possible to climb hills with my present dress.

She was wearing hard red wear and high heel shoe. I told her

You could do as you told.

I could and that was not any matter to us so far, but would not be easy to others.

I told her –

Right. Our mentality is not yet matured.

While moving we were selecting sites beautiful to take photographs. We photographed with the camera of one our friends. I had an will to be photographed exclusively with Popy and Seema. But at every occasion all of us would appeared and it was not possible to take exclusive as I wanted. In the hill area we could come so near to each other that I could never thought of. When we returned I felt that his picnic has given me many things. I could ignore all the faults of our managers even of the late bus coming, low standard breakfast and not bringing microphone to hear songs.

I used to write something at some times. After returning from the picnic I joined a function of national level of the poets next day. Though I was suffering from post picnic difficulties like headache, pains in body for running moving and shouting in the picnic and my was also lower for some throat problem, yet I participated in the function well. On the first day of this two day festival I on the evening of the first day read a poem that I had written recently. In the poem the secret desire of heart was disclosed. This desire is not only of me, but it was the desire of all. This desire is love. In fact at that time I wanted love of somebody. I felt very much necessity of love at that time. I could do everything for love. I became very much satisfied if anybody would stare to me lively. Particularly if those two eyes would have been of the dear to me then I thought I would die. This is the first time  I could feel that I love her.

We were getting down through the stair of our department. Popy was with me. Book fair in Bangla Academy is then going on. I told Popy –

I thought I shall purchase two books from the academy fair and I shall present those two books to you.

Popy was surprised. She told that has thought to buy a book to give me and this she thought on the day of picnic. She told –

You helped me much on the day of picnic.

Do you think to repay me by giving the book?

No. Not like that.

I have told you first and you so you will have to take first and then I could or could not take from you. That would depend on me.

Seema told –

This is not a matter to think. We shall give one book to each other.

I told –

OK. It’s alright.

Often I told her to go to book fair after class. But she was not very desirous. I think she would think that her present I shall not accept.

One day after the end of the class we some friends went to Rokeya Hall side. From there they decided that they would go to book fair. The girls went to the hall to get prepared and to call others. After some times Popy came back and told –

You must remain. We shall go to book fair.

I continued to stay. After a while Seema came out and I asked –

What’s the matter? Where are all of them? Did not they will go the book fair?

I shall not go. I can’t tell about others, but I shall not go.

Seema went out with a rickshaw. I became surprised with such behaviour of Seema. I continued to remain standing. It was the month of Ramadan. I was keeping holy fasting and so I was very tired after continuous class attendance. Yet I stayed till they come. After long time Popy came out and I stepped forward and asked

What’s the matter Popy? Won’t you go to book fair?

She told that she will not go.

Then why kept me here standing for long time. Don’t you know that I am keeping holy fasting? It’s not fair to keep one man one standing hours together in this month of Ramadan. You could tell me that you will not go. I could go to the hall well before.

I have not told you to remain here standing.

I became very hurt with her language. How she could tell in this way? I could not understand.

I did not wait any more. I hired a rickshaw and went towards my hall. She was also coming by my side for being the residence of her at the same direction. She called and told –

Please don’t mind it. Let’s go another day and I did not make any remark. The day after in the class when we became face to face she came hurriedly and expressed sorrow for the incidence of the last day. Naturally I could not continue to be angry with her. One after another hassle we were unable to go to the book fair. Or she was avoiding I could not understand.

I was doing some practical work and Popy was sitting by my side. I told her –

Popy, let’s go to book fair today

Today I have many works. Not possible today.

Everyday some work will remain.

Still we have a lot of time to go.

At the last level we shall not enjoy much.

If not good then we shall not go.

You told me that you will purchase a book for me.

I have decided to give some money to a person. He will purchase book or you and the book which shall be purchased is already selected in my mind and also I know the price of the said book.

I became hurt hearing her. With angry a little I told her

Do you think I am very much in need of a book and the book which you will give is essential for me? I have many books and read more than that. The thing which you told is not a presentation. It is a kindness to me. You know I can not proceed my hands for any kindness or generosity from anybody.

She did not tell anything. After some day we were getting down through stair after the class. Very strongly I told to Seema –

Seema if you don’t go to the book fair today with me then I shall never talk with you.

Seema told me

Alright, let’s go.

Popy did not tell anything, came with us in the book fair. I was searching a book of verses, but was not getting to my choice. Popy entering the book fair purchased ‘Sakal Kata Dhannya Kore’ of Humayun Ahmed and told me to take.

Keep it now. I shall take later.

She did not tell anything.

Seema was seeing cassettes. She told me how did you think about the cassette of Bannya name ‘Hey Khaniker Atithi’. All the songs of the cassette are very nice.

I saw the cassette and told that it was good.

She purchased the book and I wanted to pay price. She told –

I have purchased this for you. I know Bannya is very dear to you as artist.

I purchased two books written by Mahadev Saha. Poipi was busy to go to the residence. But seeing my late she became started to go out from the book fair. I could not find the reason of such restlessness. I stood in front of her and requested to stay for a little more time. Id was ensuing and I purchased two Id cards. I also purchased two roses for them. I gave all of these to them. Popy told me take the book purchased for me. I told her to give it to my younger sister. My younger sister this came to Dhaka for admission examination to Dhaka University. She came to the department with me and was with us while we came to the book fair. They went out and I came again in the book fair with my sister Nazma, purchased some things. Nazma told me, Popy apa is a bit different, isn’t it Bhaia?

Yes. She is different. But she is good. Nazma laughed hearing about Popy. I could not understand what she thought.

We had been standing on the veranda of the department. She was not telling anything. I was smiling seeing her face. This was the introduction to tell her something. I wanted that she would ask me reason of my laughing and she did the same.

What’s the matter? Why are you laughing?

No, nothing at all.

None laughs without any cause.

Popy, you have very nice two things.

What are those?

Your lips, particularly the upper one, a little thin and for that while you laugh you need to close your two lips.

And what is another one?

I smiled in different mystery and told

That can’t be told now. If you can understand then it is well. Like me Popy also had a smile in her face  and that was mysterious.  I don’t understand what she could think of.

The second beauty was of her is her two breasts. The of which not only of me but loss the sleeping of all others of the department. I have seen such nice breasts in my whole life a little. I don’t understand whether it was for her own only. I felt very much to tell this to her that two breasts are very nice.

But is it possible to tell? No, this is not possible to tell. All wills and all expressions cant be expressed. As this expression always expresses the ugly, not the beauty. I cant tell that the primitive attraction of your beautiful breasts have made me mad and now I am in love with you.

After a few days, we the three, i.e. Seema, Popy and I  were going to the library. Suddenly Popy told me –

Monir, Are you not very intelligent?

I laughed and told, is it?

Yes. And for this Seema likes you.

I am about to ask, do you not like? But I controlled. I old only that I slso like Seema.

She laughed and told –

I also like you very much.

I could not help my laughing and with laughing I told, is it?

She became of my laughing.

I remain always in deep thought over a thing. Does she love me, or I alone love her. I was not clear to this. Because she was so introvert and mysterious. Diverse behaviour of her always rolled me to different thoughts. Many of her behaviour were so much annoying and those were enough to make a peaceful man angry. Yet I was unable to be angry with me and even I was not clear whether I love her or not. Sometimes my love to her appeared as sudden emotion of mind and sometime it appeared to me as an expression of emotion being the sex driven attachment. May be her beautiful body construction and posture have influenced me and there were logic behind it.

She had an amazing complexion, being not very fair but attractive. But she had an unprecedented youth in her with sound health. She had enormous body attraction enough to take refuse of that was very hard for any young man. Those who told ill about her would pray in mind in them. Her mid type height, abundant hair up to neck and enormous attraction of blackish light-red colour of the body appeared to be bronze made idol of the ancient period. None had anything than to love her.

We some friends were gossiping in the campus. The subject matter of our discussion was complexion of the body. I expressed my sorrow my ugly black color of the body and then she touched my hand and told –

I am dark than you. I found it right seeing her carefully. In order to hit her I told –

So black you are!

She became very sad for my opinion like this. She told –

You could tell me in this way!

Nothing comes through complexion. You are beautiful and this color of you is liked by me very much.

After the end of the class Seema told –

I have a piece of work. I need to go to Rokeya Hall.

I told, let’s me go also with you.

We four started walking towards Rokeya Hall. We the four were Seema, Popy, Jewel and me. Jewel is my close friend. He had an attachment with Popy during early university life and I heard Jewel loves Popy. I learnt this from all other students of the class. Hearing this affair between Popy and Jewel I had no jealousness to anybody. I was always cordial to Jewel as because he was very simple minded young man. He was honest and polite and also was very much friendly to all having a very sober character. He had good relation with all the students of the class. I was walking catching his hands. Entering the hall Jewel, Popy and I sat on the boarding stair of the guest room of the hall. Popy was by the side of Jewel.  Popy opened her file and brought out three black and white photographs. He told jewel to see these. The photographs were of her mother father and her of early age. I willingly took the photographs from Jewel and saw these. She was very beautiful in her early age. I became amazed and praised her photographic beauty. She laughed and said –

She was truly beautiful while her tender age and asked me,

Am I very much ugly now?

I told, no you are not ugly. Still you are beautiful very much. Just we were chatting in this way. Suddenly my stare fell on her chest. The middle two buttons of her wear was opened and it was so widely open that when the cover on the chest moved by air then I could see the breast of her. A bit big size nipple on the large size, as if, the bronze made delicate structured breast and so lustful the thing, I was being unable to draw my eyes back from there. Yet I stopped as if it is known to her then she will be uneasy and shamed. I was unable to see her. After sometime I found she has made everything alright. Next I could know that the matter was also open to Jewel.

Some of her behaviour pattern fell me to hesitation. I became unable to understand as to what she wants to inform me. Sometimes she told something that made me more eager to her. Frequently she told that she like me much. I always think of you. But I know you do not ever remember me. I became amazed hearing such from her own voice. I could believe strongly that she loves me.

I was standing in the corridor. She came and stood by my side.

What are you thinking standing here?

No, nothing at all.

Hi, I have seen you in my dream.

So it was! But what did you see?

No, nothing any serious. I saw you are moving in the campus and nothing more I saw.

She told in such way that there is something more of the dream and that can not be disclosed.

I smiled.

She also smiled and with complaint she told –

What’s the matter? Why are you laughing?

Nothing, no meaning at all.

Have you ever saw me in your dream?

I became trembled with such question from her. I was not ready for such sudden question at all. I stopped a little and told

No, I have not.

That’s the thing. Please don’t mind anything. This was a very meaningless question.

The day was 28 February, the last day of book fair. At the end of the class Popy told –

She had to purchase some books for presentation. We agreed and told let’s go. Today is the last day of the book fair. Let’s move there for the last time. Semma, Popy, Jewel and me started walking to TSC. Generally we sit in RSC if we go there, but today we did not. We directly went to the book fair. It was a horrible condition of the fair. One is for being the last day and anther is for last two days’ heavy shower and these two in combination has made the appearance of the fair as wet young one of the crow. We had been moving in the fair here and there. Popy told me to select and purchase four books for her. I was seeing books and Seema was helping me. Popy was gossiping with Jewel very closely. They were walking together and was proceeding forward. While seeing books Seema and me were being back movers again and again. Seema was laughing seeing the condition of them both. I could not help laughing seeing the feelings of Seema. I did not feel any jealousy seeing them both walking and talking so closely. But it was little annoying to me. I selected four books according to request of Popy. She paid for the books. We moved for some more times in the fair and then went to our own residence.

We had some work of giving and taking books in the library. We the three, i.e. Seema, Popy and I were going to the library. While going Popy was repeating the words told before in respect of me. This was how much she thinks of me, how much she likes me and how much she loves me and also she told that I don’t know to its extent. I smiled as usual and without any meaning I just asked her –

Have you read my poems?

I don’t read even poems of Rabindranath, and what is about yours? I don’t like reading poems.

I did not prolong my discussion with her. It is meaningless to discuss on poems with her and so I discontinued.

They needed some notes and those notes were in the room of me in Fazlul Haque Hall. I told them to wait and hired a rickshaw to go to my room. I left my papers to Popy while I left them. After return with notes I found them sitting in the reading room of the girls. I peeped to the room and seeing me they came out. We sat down surrounding a table in the veranda. We had some work of practical and we completed our works. I told to Popy –

You could tell me that while picnic you will not get any photograph with me> What was the reason of taking an out of order camera. This is a deception. I would not create any pressure; rather I would arrange another camera.

She lifted her face towards me after I ended my complaints. I saw a helpless and sad face. I could understand that she had been hurt so much for my complaints and this position made me more aggressive to her. I stopped my sentiment and waited for any more comments from her, so hat I might have the better opportunity hurt her more. She told –

You are right. I have done the work wilfully.

I became restrained. I did not expect such answer from her. I did not find any answer right at then. Our disparity did not proceed. We became attentive to our work. I was clearly able to remember that it was the first time that I told something to her so aggressively. After completion of library work we came out. While I was taking my papers from Popy the she smiled and told –

You write well.

I became surprised hearing her and in such position I asked her –

How did you understand? You have not read any of my works.

She was mysterious and in smiling face she told –

I have read. A poem has been written in the back page of your khata and that I have read.

I trembled in whole body and as if I was sweating. I thought the proverb ‘ the place where there is fear becomes night then’ Since a number of days I was thinking to write a poem on her, but was not finding any proper sentimental emotion to write.  Some days before I could find something in mind and I wrote a poem on her. But in the poem she was not directly mentioned. But anybody if thinks deeply then he will be able to understand the matter and in such disposition I wrote the poem at the last page of the khata. What a surprise the thing lastly got attention of her. I became very shy. I thought I have made blunder. May be she has understood everything. I became very low to her. While I was thinking ll these thinks then she normally told –

I have never thought that you write so nice. You have written a very nice poem.

I posed to be normal and told, it was rough. When I shall edit the poem then you will see. I shall give you. Hearing me she smiled and that smile was much valued to me.

After returning to room I reproduced the p[oem in a fresh white paper and making fold I kept in the class note. Next day when after completion of the work we were going to the library then I gave the paper to her. She read the poem standing there and then she wanted to return the paper. I told –

I have brought it for you.

I have read it already

Now you keep it to you.

She was in a little hesitation and then she kept the paper in her class note. I was happy to be able to inform my sentiment on her through his writing. The existing convention of telling some body ‘ I love you’ was never liked by me.

Frequently I saw her singing a song in low voice. Particularly when in leisure or in absence of sir in the practical class we made roars of crowd while doing our work then I have seen her singing the song in humming voice. On that she was also singing the song. I tried to know the song but could not. I could hear only the humming sound of her singing. I could understand only that it was hindi song. I smiled at her and asked –

How could you so sweetly sing with your heart’s content?

That’s a song, and she smiled.

I know that you sing, but what is that song.

Have hear the song ‘dekha tere mast nigahe’ of the film ‘Khilar’? ATN frequently transmits the song.

I have not heard yet. I think the song is of your most liking.

This is a very nice song. If you hear you will understand.

I started searching the full set audio cassette of ‘Khilari’. I thoroughly the stadium market and ultimately found only one set of the said cassette in a market shop of the stadium. It was open. The shopkeepers used this cassette for recording another cassette. Since the film is of old, at least of before five years so this cassette was not then widely demanded. New audio cassettes and video films are coming abundantly which are new and noe it can be easily thought that very seldom a person will be found to searching an old one. The shopkeepers are busy with selling the best sellers and what they will do with cassettes of years old. Of course some high rating demanded film like Bahar, Aan, Barsat, Nikah, Silsilah, Awara, Baiju Baora with audio cassettes are yet available and selling items in the market. However I purchased he audio cassette without any talk. I became very delighted getting the audio cassette. I thought hat as she liked the song so she will be happy getting the cassette. In fact I always wanted to make her free and comfort, delighted. Silently I wanted her to somehow be attracted to me.

After the day at the end of the class we went in front of Shamsunnahar Hall and there we all. I gave her the audio cassette packed with paper. She was unwilling, but on my request she t it ultimately.

I was a bit thinking on a matter. If I give something as presentation toany body, say books, cards, I do not write anything on the gifted thing. But he matter became different now. I wrote something at the white place of the back side of the cassette. I thought after writing that whether such writing was correct of right.  She can mind and so I decided to cut the line I wrote. But I wanted her to read the line I have written and so I did not cut it through black ink, I used a  yellow marker pen to cut it. I thought that the line is though cut yet remains the scope of reading and she will be able to read. he writing was ‘ while my writing my pen does not stop but where is such man to whom I can right using the pen abundantly’. I was afraid of that she could mind it and that be a cause of misunderstanding me. I was unable to think of making me lower to her. Frequently she told me some and those were of conservative nature. With a feminine style in the voice she told –

Do you know that I faced many troubles in the residence? I walked and talked with boys of the university and if these are known to my parents then they will stop me study in the university. I am the youngest of all. None gives any attention to my opinion. They decide and that is pressed upon me, wherein I have no choice. None of my friends can go to my residence. But the friends of my elder sister are at liberty to come. None in my family minds for that and all problems are in case of me. I don’t like it. As if everything I do is offence. If I want to go some where then every body will tell me that it is not necessary for me to go. You do not ever believe that I have no freedom, no value of my want and wish. I don’t like those at all. I was never able to enjoy life. How beautiful the lives of you. You can do whichever you like, none will tell anything. I feel and suffer it much.

You have become unable to earn confidence of your parents. Others can do it. Otherwise how a girl reading in the university can be confined like that in all respect. I think you are responsible for it.

What is my fault? If they do like this then what can I do? It does not happen in case of others. In fact my father and mother are of different in type.

Don’t blame to your father and mother. Personal freedom is a matter of confidence and this confidence would have to earn from the parents. At the same you will have to be confident on yourself. But you had been unable to earn confidence on you. How your parents will be able to have confidence on you.

Why? What I have done?

Definitely you have done something and that has made your father and mother not having confidence on you.

I have not done such thing. She strongly denied.

How could I understand that you have not done anything? Still you are doing such things.

She made false posture on her face and being sentimental she asked –

What I have done?

No, nothing serious.

She became a bit sentimental on me. She did not like to hear me at all. She behaves in this manner sometimes. So I did not mind. Since first introduction I was acquainted with her such behaviour. I was feeling about her. I could remember an incident of some days before.

I was standing on the door. She came and stood by my side. Since some days she was with some ill behaviour with me. I did not mind anything. She laughed a bit and told –

I behaved badly with you some days. Did you mind very much?

No, nothing to mind. I did not.

Not that I was very much willing to do this. I am the youngest of all in the residence and so I get some priority in all cases. It has become a bad habit to tell anything to anyone. I know that this is bad. Yet why do I used to it I don’t know. I behaved bad with all and yet it is much that none mind it.

No. This is nothing at all.

In fact I like you much. Please don’t mind for such behaviour. When I behave badly with you then I myself suffer for that than you.

I stared o her and tried to deep of her heart to see whether there is any space is there or not. But the does not always show the inner feelings in the face easily. So I could not understand what she thinks about me. Is it that she knows me well, or she loves me also? She had a habit that very frequently she prayed apology to me. She did it immediately after her common mistakes. One day I told her –

You not pray apology to me so frequently. There is no offence of you to me. I did never think of any bad manner that you did to me. If you walk on my chest then also I shall not mind anything, as I am not like that.

I don’t know what she understood, but remained staring to me with large eyes. I also stared, but not for much time. I felt some bad for expression just I did to her a little before.

We were walking through the road in front of Carzon Hall. We were not talking. Suddenly Popy talked and I looked to her. Popy told that –

I have not taken your cassette to the residence.

I became surprised and with surprise I asked –

Then what you have done with it?

I have kept to some one in the hall.

Who is he?

It was Silvi.

The feelings then I had in my mind was so much terrible that I could myself understand only. But I did not give any scope to understand this. I only told her –

I doubted that you will do something like this and did like that.

I have problem in the residence.

I did not prolonged discussion. I felt very much insulted. Very small incidents of he past started to be appeared as big ones. When I could remember the incidents one after another seeing the memory I could see that there was nothing than insult and neglect to me. I thought that I can not be even friend to her than to be fiancé.

I am very much ordinary, the eight son of my aged primary school head teacher and now he has been retired. I continued my study depending on income as private tutor. To speak he truth I have nothing in his world. I was attached with leftist movement in the university and so I have no so called power. I am very ordinary to look. I have no normal eligibility which can be acceptable. I met with them with my own will and that does not mean that I became their friend. May be they talked and meet with me and these are nothing but kindness to me. I made wrong considering those to be friendship. I felt much sorrow in my mind. The sense of self respect that I have a little knocked me down to the earth and I felt it to every corner of my heart.

I was so blind with emotion to her that I have never been able to detect any offence of her. I had no sense to understand the one sided my attachment to her. I backed to the room and started thinking the matter. I was able to find logic as much I could think it.

Everybody knows Popy to be daughter of rich man. She was proud of it. She always tried to keep herself special one from others. She was conscious about attachment with anybody though she might have friendship with a boy. If anyone tried to be close to her then she tried to be detached from him. Jewel and Babu are he examples of it. She attracted the young men showing her youthful body and if one is nearer then she behaved in such manner that he could think Popyi to be in love to him. She liked friendship and nearness of the boys seriously but was reluctant to any closeness. She did not tried to understand that there is mind within the hard cover of any man and it is so sensitive with ability to love. There was no value of love o her. She was ambitious and could use anybody to bring her ambition to a success. Very slowly my attraction to her became transformed to hatred. But the saplings that have turned to a large tree with abundant root and branches to different sides can not be wiped out so easily. It is not possible.

After two or three days I went to Shamsunnahar Hall. I saw Sheuli, Silvi and Moushumi. I asked Silvi separately –

Popy has kept an audio cassette of mine to you?

Yes.

Alright. I wanted to know this.

Please don’t be annoyed with her. Actually she had some problem in her residence. Besides, she is very much worried about you. In fact your friendship has been grown so hurriedly within a short time that she is now unable to understand as to what to do with you. She is restless now and what she will tell to you is not known to you. At the same time she is become unable to do anything herself. She has never have had any close attachment with any boy before and so she is feeling much tension. We know you have no such mentality and sentiment towards her, but all of us do not know anything about this. They may take this otherwise. Besides, she does not know much about you, I mean without any well understanding this relation between the both  has grown up strongly, which has attracted the attention of others. Such closeness is taken by others in some different ways. She knows you that you are good, but she is afraid of that what the other boys will think over the matter. You may help her to understand that you have no such attachment to her. You are only a classmate to her and nothing more than that.

Silvi told this continuously. Keeping silent I heard her and assured that I shall make her understand the things you told so far early as possible and she will be free from tension about me.

After some days I found her in front of Shamsunnahar Hall. I told her –

Popy, I had something to tell you.

Tell

No, not in this way Let us move some where nearby. Popy hesitated a little bit and then came to a little far from all of them. I stared to her and started to tell what Silvi wanted to tell her by me. I tried my best to tell well she things to tell. I don’t know how much I could, but I told her.

She became surprised and making me surprised she told me –

Why did you tell me like this? I have never thought of this about you that you will have to tell those to me. Why you will think like this? You are a good friend to me. I know you differently. I have not told anything to anybody that you are thinking about me in this direction. On the other hand I minded as to why you went for saying these about me to others.

I became surprised and told –

Have I? I have never told anything.

If you are not then how could everybody knew this?

What they have known?

Let it go away. Don’t think over the matter. What was supposed be held has been held. If we go further then this would be worse.

I could understand nothing. Did she make any click through way or she has been perplexed with my personalities and she had been trying to avoid all these things. May be this that she has created herself all these things to resist me, so that I can not proceed further. May be she loves me but she does not want to be close to me. Or she loves me but wants to remain as friend and whenever I wanted to be close she wanted to avoid me. Such thousands of thoughts came to my mind but I could not come to any conclusion. I could only understand that anybody will be able to understand seeing her mysterious laugh that the matter has been done by her. May be some girls had made light joke connecting me with her and for this she behaves like this. May be this is a third man work and I am being unable to understand the same. However I stopped as she wanted. I told her –

You tell Silvi that I shall take my cassette from her.

She agreed and we joined the gossip. It became evening in this way, but most surprisingly I was being unable to keep pace with all others. I returned to my room with tired mind and body. I decided while coming that I shall not continue my relation with her, no question of being fiancé  but also not as a friend. The person who can behave like this, presentation can return, she can not be closed. I informed my decision to my friends and I became satisfied which I had not before. I earned a confidence in mind that it is possible to go without her and she is not anything such marvellous that the life will be dull without her. I tried to imagine face of some other in her place but I could not find one in my mind. But I came to a conclusion that there are so many girl besides me, who are more attractive and had good mind and it will not be difficult for me to make friendship and closeness with them.

One day after class I went to the front of Shamsunnahar Hall. I had some friends with me. Silvi gave me the cassette. I without sight of others kept the cassette in my pocket. My presentation to other came return to my hand. This was the return of love! But I had nothing to do more.

I saw her in the class, but I did not talk with her. She herself talked and I answered very normally in avoiding tone, but could not continue for unlimited time. In fact our relation was like this. Without any specific understanding once we came to close to each other. Both of us very much emotional and our relation was driven by emotion. We were unable to remain without other and at the same time we had no endurance of that level to continue remaining nearby for unlimited time. With a very silly matter we would be angry, quarrelled for misunderstanding.

Of course the situation came to an end with praying apology of either for the time being and this would have been done the person whose offence appeared much. She wanted my presence in the class and at the same time I also wanted her presence. May be were in attachment together very closely, but we were reluctant to disclose to other. This was a play that who will admit would be defeated. Our self respect sense was strong and we were never ready to accept a little insult at all. We always wanted to overlap influence upon other. She wanted to press upon me with her desire on me and at the same time my desire was also like that. Both of us teller and none of was hearer. Equal charge detracts the other and this was applicable to us and we started refusing other. If she would try to make eat something then I would denied and at the same time if I would try to make her some thing eat she avoided it under some excuse. We had a very sharp competition between us and none of us was ready to be defeated to this game.

I remembered the early days. After Babu when became very nearer to them gradually then I told Popy and Seema-

You will not anything extraordinary to me. You can be with me like friends and when you will find anything different and undesired anything in me then you will leave, for which I shall not mind anything. I tried to remember whether I was able to keep my commitment o them or not. I committed, then why I would love Popy?  Had I been sin in behaviour with them and I was delighted to find that I have not behaved with them ever in such way which may hurt them or that was undesired. I have shown closeness of friend and never was it an offence to give any presentation to any friend. I was finding all my past incidents with them and I could find no deviation with them. But my mental weakness to her is my personal matter and since it was doing nothing bad to anybody so I was not ready to take his as an offence of me. I have completed all my commitments and all my cordiality them were the instance of good friends and in such consideration I thought myself to be out of any offence. Yet I had a thought in the deep core of my heart that I love her and had it been an offence?  Love is never a sin. False or pretension or deception or loss of sincerity  in the name of love is sin. I could not think myself to be accused and I decided to face all odds with courage. I also decided hat I would never be more close to her and to end of our varsity life we shall be to each other to such extent which shall be proper only to a classmate. Anything more will be sin and I can not break my commitment.

All persons want attachment of women. Want warmness of female body. I also want that, but my want was seriously strong Natural flow as if essential for the life and at the same time abnormal flow of air becomes the cause of loss of life and this is normal. Nothing of excess is good. In my life also love has brought disaster many times. I have been associated with many undesired relation It is not possible to tell about this relation or not to be endured. I can not can no touch it I can not catch it. It burn me to ashes slowly. Love becomes a memory and so before raising any bitter situation it becomes necessary to come back. Like a tortoise the soft face is to hide in the hard mouth and so to hide own self until the rest of the incident wipes out. All these unequal relation are hateful to all always. But many of us become associated with such affairs and when he comes to understand then it becomes late. This is a prohibited attraction. None knows the explanation of this attraction. Once I heard from a person that ‘prohibited things are much attractive as the same is prohibited’. I found some logic with it. But all the logics are helpless to the heart. He wants to make the successful of all his wants and desire.. It does not agree any resistance and no fear can detracts him easily. Its a mad horse whose rope is not to the hands of rider.

In my age of twenty three years I have come in contact with many women of different ages. My hidden sex has sucked happiness from them in different ways. Remaining side by side, gossiping, staring, catching hands or a bit more physical closeness or in some other way lust was always living in me. I have never thought of living without women. But in some times I had some annoyance and it is true. I think that was the different expression of lust. There is no way to deny the cry of not getting. I was very much careful and maintained morality about physical attachment. I could not even think of anything like this, i.e. to have conjugation with her. The sense of sin and morality always squeezed me from this. The delight of damaging chastity of a girl was endless. If this would have been necessary then I would torture upon me went to cinema hall to see porno in VCR or in the hall, in the deep night I would collect porno magazines to read, yet I could not think or admit me to go to the bed of a girl. This was a surprising self denial in me and this self denial saved me from all odds in many times. My friends would have been surprised hearing my such inexperience and they told their diverse sexual experience coloring them in various ways. I heard them with surprise and thought myself very idiot and helpless. I some time decided – no not in this way to live. But whenever I went to any girl then the matter would appear before me being so ugly that I could proceed no further. I became more sacred, more beautiful and nice, as if. I became more honest and free from all odds. The extent of violence of not getting attachment, being lonely would diminish and made more peaceful and sacred. My sacredness and simplicity attracted the attention of girls. They believed me within a short time and became close to me. I could not think of damaging this relation with them. I became unable to alter this nice appearance and changed to ugly one. At the time of the most closeness I could not be able touch the soft breast and body of the girl rather I thought of writing a nice poem with them. I tried to understand the relation so sacred. But I knew myself and I had a pride about my own. Sometimes I thought this sacredness would give me nothing and immediately after I thought not the physical delight but the mental happiness is the most and the best and that sacredness can give me delight and no other thing.

I had no close relation in Dhaka. A distant relation being sister lives in Malibagh. She was her sister in law. Her elder daughter was Jasemin. I became first acquainted with her in the marriage ceremony of my third sister. It was before eight years. How much the age of she had. Maximum seven or eight. So beautiful and enchanting she was. So smart moving and restless. I was also then very young, about twelve or thirteen years. I understand friendship, not love. I don’t understand sin, any lavish lust, but have want to get a lovely restless little girl near to be friend. Have want to talk with her for a long period, have desire to catch her hands and draw her chicks. After seeing Jasemin I don’t why I thought that  this little girl might be my friend. I talked to her and I liked her. She was according to my find and she became my friend within a short time.  She was with me for not very long time as they live in Dhaka. They came to the village residence for the marriage ceremony. I lived in my village home. After the function they went to Dhaka and I remained in the village residence. We became separated.

I could not forget her. I was waiting for her return from Dhaka. They used to come to village residence frequently. Then I would go to their home or I would bring them to our home. We talked and see each other and observed a slow change in her. That little girl whom I saw moving without any dress is now changing to other shape. This change is more controlled and complete. Now a wall is was being grown between she and me. We became unable to be free as before to each other and not being normal. We are moving maintaining a distance among all and a different concept was making a difference of relation between both of us that made us uneasy to each other. I became very much surprised with her change. I was, as if, seeing the bud to be flourished. What more beautiful thing can be other than this? We tried to be separated from all and to talk each other. We could find such opportunity very seldom and before being free from our uneasiness we could find presence of a third person. This is also fact that the third person would see us with an angle eye, doubt. But he third man’s eye would be free o find our indifferent behaviour and safe physical distance. In such situation we could not stay more, discussing unnecessary matters we would come to others. In his way we maintained our sentiment dissatisfied and made our desire more sharp.

We passed a number of years normally. She became a full damsel. I came to Dhaka for higher education and since I had no any nearer relation so I was supposed to take shelter in their house, which I did not willingly. I went to their residence some times and then she took much care of me, feed me with own care and remained sitting by my side. She tried to understand me. I was passing a very hard time. My life and living way were very sleepy. I needed to bear all my expenses in Dhaka with my own endeavour and for this reason I had to remain always worried for the next time. I used to discuss all my personal matters to her and she tried to remove my worry as far as possible. She caught my hands and remained sitting by my side. She gave me courage and sympathy. She expressed her sorrow for disability to help me and I told her that nothing help is wanted by me than the love from her only, which will give me courage. My ill fate was driving me since my birth and now the thing came to the highest peak. I was unable to give her even a mimi, chocolate or very minor things for her satisfaction. This was very much sad for me. I lived to distant place from her residence. But I went to their area almost everyday. My tuition was at the evening and night.. It would be about ten to eleven hours night o complete my work and after my work at so deep night frequently I went to their residence. I called her from sleeping and in such condition of sleepy eyes she came to open the door. With slow voice she asked –

How do you do?

I also answered in slow voice –

I am well.

Sit here. I shall give you rice.

I answered negative but the voice would not be very strong. Though I had my meal in he mess and the same would have been damaged yet I went to her and tried to remain by her side to remove my day long tiredness. Since all other went to bed after having meal so the additional rice was given to water and I ate that rice with water and fried curry with much happiness and contempt. After eating she gave forward her Orna o wipe hands and mouth. I laughed at her while wiping. She requested me to remain, but I would not as on the next day I had to be prepared for the examination. I would sit on my floor and forwarding my legs I would read like a school boy shouting. My economic condition was so bad that it was not possible for me to purchase a chowki or khat for me. I could remember that I had to pass a whole year, comprising summer and winter, on the floor. Yet I had no sorrow as I was free and I saw the day will come for me will be dazzling I read always up to noon and then after bath and taking food I went out. After eating I would have a very little time and while walking I heard sound of water movement in my stomach.  I felt a little pain in the stomach and yet I would have no time to remain wait or stand. I had none to help in my admission examination and I had no opportunity take help from coaching. I would depend on the admission guide one or two available in the market. I would be firmly believe that I shall be successful. My belief would make more courageous.

All these were the first year incidents after my coming o Dhaka. It was nineteen ninety two. Slowly the situation changed. I got chance in the university. All my affords came to success as flower and I devoted myself to organize me well in my university life. I increased the level of my diligence only or success. Success is necessary for all I would think that this is more necessary for me. Success gives solution to many and I should not allow me to be defeated.

The past memory remained for the past. I can not ignore the present situation in my front. We had a friend named Reena. She was a very good girl, maintaining a good relation with all his maintaining a good relation with all and her free movement appeared to many of us as exaggerated. At the outset I would also think like that and this was normal. May be I am getting down through staircase of the annexed building third floor and found Reena gossiping with many in the field. She is laughing, pushing others and shouting to talk and laughing. It was usual to be annoyed. There was no scope to avoid. She would see and called shouting She will get me introduced with her other friends. Particularly during my acquaintance she made a posture and told he writes well and he is a good poet.

May be some of them who were wanting to know my name just as formalities and not even knowing my full name laughed a formal laugh, hen hey would want to know my name with shame. Some of them would try to know whether I wrote to the newspaper or not. I became ashamed and at the same time felt well. I don’t know whether anybody likes to think himself a poet but I would like to think me poet. What was the reason of not loving! I have a friend like Reena. She was very much appreciating to my poems and praised those from her heart.

Reena had affairs. Different stories in that connection was in the mouth of the students. Frequently I found a very bad tendency in my classmates. They had very much interest to make remarks wrong, giving praise and making stories on different issues. Most of them were emotion driven. We had a friend named Sadia, a good student, used to come to the university by own car. Different stories were existed in the campus about her. Some told that the father of Sadia is a business magnet and so she comes by her own car and some told all these are false. Her father is a reputed engineer. Actually the father of Sadia was a secretary and this was known to everybody after a long period. In such way different information would have been collected, discussed and most of them were baseless. One thing here is to mention that still the University of Dhaka is dominated by the brilliant students who have come from the middle class family. They were easy and simple. Believes which they hear, get romance whichever they see. They see cinema, remains sitting hours together in the TV room, comb hairs taking long time, smokes cigarettes to show them very smart and they make story with the beautiful girls having solvent father and becomes frustrated. The millionaire becomes become billionaire to them and the billionaire becomes something more to them. Very surprising this class is. I cant stop to tell a story. This was relating to matter of a girl of our class. She was Zeenat, a very good and simple minded girl. But sometimes she became a bit different and tried to enter in all matters. To speak the truth she represented the girls of the class. She was a bit bulky, having a slight downward big breast. This was the subject matter of the story of different types in the class. From her beginning the youth to till date many incidents about her were known to all as case history. All these were baseless. She had a good relation with the teachers and this was also a matter of discussion. At last when she obtained good marks in viva being the first of all then all the stories came to everybody as true.

They considered the stories the heard about her were all true. They gave the lowest opinion about her moral character. Everybody came to decision that willingly she dragged down the breast cover while she was appearing he viva. Since almost all the teachers are male so they were in position to be biased and they could do nothing than to give her more marks, as they were unable to avoid the attraction. Some told that the obtained marks has been dictated by herself. This was the way of thought, but not the last as most obscene story was also existed in the campus about her. Many told that she goes to hotel and going to hotel has only one meaning about the girls. Some told that they have seen her near the hotel at the farm gate. What a peculiarity. What is not told by men?

However, I was telling about my friend Reena. Her affairs were also widely discussed and it was normal. Somebody told that the lover of Reena reads this subject and some told that no not that subject. Somebody told he is tall and somebody told he is short. There were different remarks, opinions. I have never asked her about this. I don’t like to push my nose on any personal affairs. If she tells herself willingly then I hear. I had a very nice friendship with Reena, and this was normal to be very good friendship with a simple and easy girl like her. Many times I went with her to get her into bus and until the bus moves I talked with her. She would come from Narayanganj. One day she told all an=bout her affairs and also told that the affairs has been discontinued. The said boy had no more attraction and feelings to her. She told many things about those days of affairs, all nice memories. I gave my full attention to hear. Sad story should be heard very attentively and that brings some consolation. In a very sad voice she told why her affairs are being lost. I changed the talks telling that I shall answer her another day.

One day we had been standing in front of the mathematics department. Suddenly a tall, healthy young man with freshness in appearance came. Reena asked to get a little time. I agreed happily.

I was able to understand as to who the boy was. She was very much gloomy and sad like an worried sparrow. Men can not hide her love and none was able to do it in the past.

After a little time Reena called me. She got me introduced with the boy. He was Noman, reads computer science. I did not talk much, rather I gave them opportunity to talk and I proceeded forward. I wish them to have a good relation between them.

Reena’s love has turned down to end at time and in spite of utmost trying Reena was unable to save the relation. Still she is waiting and hopes hat he will come. Some waits like this.

Reena became very much inattentive to her course and she did not bother for it. She is busy with luxury of memory of the broken love and it happens like this.

When the examination was near then the work. Sometimes it was also seen that the next day is the examination day and everybody was prepared and then she came and told the notes immediately necessary to make photocopy.

And then to proceed with her to search Photostat machine, get everything OK and then relief. One day on such occasion I went Chandkharpool. Thinking the task will take time we had been talking I told her to eat something, which she denied. At certain stage of our talking she suddenly asked or it may termed as opinion told me. I felt some embarrassment with her opinion, but giving no priority I told –

What’s a talk! I had no such relation with her. She was only a friend to me. Reena told me, “Monir, once you had some weakness to Popy”.

After completion of work at Chandkharpool we went to annex building for our practical class. I got Popy first have an oath that she never will disclose which I shall tell her. I did it because Reena may mind for the words I wanted to tell, as Reena requested not to tell this to Popy. Reena knew well that if Popy knows that Reena had talked about her then she would make a quarrel with her. So I assured Reena that I shall not tell this to Popy. But I wanted to tell Popy with the hope that this may remove the false idea in her. May she understand that man can think many things, for which nothing to be sad. So near a friend Reena would also thought like this. May be she was unknown about the truth and so the question has arisen in her mind.

But I made the mistake at that very time. I told it o Popy and she made a serious situation with the issue. She made quarrel with Reena immediately after it and also wanted make us face to face. May be Reena begged apology to her to make her peaceful. I came to know all these things later on. Reena herself told me. I expressed my sorrow that I was unable to keep my commitment with her, but surprisingly the said simple minded girl Reena did not mind anything, rather she requested me not to misunderstand her and may the friendship between us remain as before. I assured her and decided not to talk with Popy throughout he life.

Popy was not regular in the class. Since many days she was trying to go to America. Her brother lives there and he was the teacher of an engineering university there. She will go there for study under care of her brother and she will do this must.

After some days she came to the class, not o attend study, but to see the friends and to make departmental papers alright. I saw her, but did not talk. It was embarrassing and so I remained far from her. Unwillingly we became face to face and then she asked –

How are you Monir?

I did not answer and proceeded forward. I had no desire to talk with her and the hatred grew in me on her started to be increased day by day. The concept of this different type I liked. I believe this hatred can save men from men and never the love have saved men from men.

I told Reena about my decision on Popy. She told –

This is your personal matter.

I thought that Reena might be indirectly has become happy with such decision of me. I have evaluated my friendship with her for which she was glad. May be she started to like me.

One day Reena and I was talking standing at the corridor. There was no crowd in here and we were talking freely. Suddenly Reena asked about the question about herself of which answer she wanted to know long before.  Now she asked indirectly as to “why love affairs break”.

I know why Reena’s affairs broke and it not difficult to know. I f anybody careful saw her then he would find that she was losing her beauty day by day and the rate of such loss of beauty was so hurry and acute that it could be seen by anybody. May be the good looking young man was losing attraction to her for his reason. In fact the love remains attached the beauty. If the beauty dies then love also dies and the two men become separated. Husband and wife can not be such so easily and so becomes attached with illegal love affairs. Some times hey become separated and this is natural.

I could not tell all these to Reena as this can not be told. So close friend she is to me, for which she can not be told that for your losing beauty you become ugly and so you have lost your love. We can not tell that the down going youth is the cause. However one day while we were talking then on one occasion I told her about cosmetology and told her to be conscious about this. Care returns something lost. The light of late evening brings delight in the mind of the men and  it gives him something. I don’t know whether she could or could not understand my talk but told me that –

Do you think the beauty only can alive and preserve love.

I told her –

May be this is not the all, but have a big contribution. All men desire beauty, at least of the lover and it is normal that a beautiful thing always desired. All lovers are not Robert Browning that he can leave the country loving the disabled Elizabeth Barrette, an aged lady. Most of the lovers are cheating.

Actually I told something different in answer of her question. I told Reena, may be he has some problem. Maybe that is family affairs or anything beyond his control. May all these reasons have made bound to be off from you?

Reena told –

Then why he is not telling me everything clearly. He can tell everything.

Everything can not be told every time. May be he is waiting or trying to overcome the odd period. If he becomes successful then he will come back to you again. May be the matter is like that which he will he will not be able to make you understand. You should wait for him.

Reena has been waiting for Roman. She has no other way. She can not leave Noman. Her idea is coming to belief slowly and it is that she will come back one day. May be it would be five years, but he will come back. I also hoped that he comes. She does not have much attachment many boys.

I had talk with Popy last on seven December of nineteen hundred ninety five while we had been in the seminar room. Thereafter we had never talked. She tried to talk, but I have avoided. I did not feel necessity to talk with her and this was natural. There were many things and after such extended things this can not continue. I am determined in my decision.

One year passed. Within this period we have not talked with friends and not we have seen much. According to routine our class becomes ended at the March of ninety six. Thereafter to wait for the examination. The examination does not held timely for the increasing political crisis of the country.

Within this long period I had been for several times went to the residence of Seema. They live in the old town and though it was a bit difficult to go there yet I have never felt it. I had a very good relationship with Seema and this friendship was respected by all. This friendship is desired to all. This is not love. This is past of the love. I had relation with Popy and that was a blind emotion, but with Seema the friendship I had was verified in the period and this was the extract of the time. I presented her one book and in presentation I wrote, “ He is the friend catching whose hands can be proceeded to unlimited in the late evening when then there is golden light”. Such concept of mine had delighted her. Seema had a good relation with all boys and girls of the class. Each good boy and girl might have good relation with many. She was very friendly. But above my importance to her was he best. Without hesitation she told, Monir is my best friend. This was my expectation.

Life was getting a simple materialistic quality day by day. Different irregularities came to life for not having any connection with the campus. While class attending I would left my bed at six, got ready at eight and attended the class at ten and now the situation is that leaving bed can not be happened before ten. Movement to fall of the government became strong during last half of the year ninety five. At that time Bangladesh Chhatra League (JSD) along with other political parties also started movement. Again I became involved with politics.  However we started work at the last period of movement. So our sufferings were not much. Roads and highways were then always remained crowded. We the very few persons got involved with the flow of the people. There was confidence on the movement, but I have not seen the supporters to be confident to the student leaders. Particularly this was seen in case of leftist movement. his flow was then trying to keep their existence centering the election seat movement. Politics can not be held in this way.

I went to my village residence during end of  January nineteen ninety six. A funny election held on fifteen February. Parliament session held for three days only and in this session the demand of caretaker government bill passed and arranged election to be held within the next ninety days.

Commencement of new political polarisation began in the country politics. There was unlimited zeal and courage centering the new election. This feelings was liked by almost all persons. Men began to see dream in this country of hunger driven people. Days began passed Fourteen April was the date for our honors second year examination and we started to be attentive to our exam preparation. We became unable to be seriously involved in the election. While study heard the discussion on the election to different people. Every man his own political analysis. It is nice to know this concept of people.

Election was completed and the new government undertook the power. There was a peaceful environment in the political field. All were in expectation that the new government will bring something new to the life of the people as they were elected by the people. But he people felt a relief as an end of continuous hartal, movement have been ended and general life has come to the people. The hunger driven problem facing people took this to be a big relief in their lives.

Exam did not started on the fixed date and so a new date was fixed and it was twelve September. But I could not be very attentive. Many days passed I have not gone to the residence of Seema. One day I was walking in the Carzon Hall front side.  Suddenly I saw Enam, who knows about us.  He told me laughing that Popy has gone to America. I laughed like an idiot. I could not understand as to what I could say. Enam told that he came to know this from Sohel and he is hundred percent sure that the news is correct. I took the matter easily and returned to my room and suddenly I then felt very tired. I could not sleep up to the last end of night I wrote something and I completed my red black khata writing many things. If I express any sentiment in writing then I can be free from the mental burden. I did that and what more I could do.

Next day I went to the residence of Seema. She told me that she had gone on August two. Before going she did not meet any body. Seema went to their residence and so she could know.

When I came to room and got bed I could not sleep. Different incidents were screening in the mind. Is it possible to forget those easily? Men can not  forget his past though he wants.

I became ill when annual examination of the first year began. This was serious type jaundice. I became senseless and removed to Dhaka Medical Hospital. I had no very own anybody in Dhaka. I had no money and my elder brother was informed. For the time being a help could be managed from the hall provost. I was unable to understand when at the border of death I have attained due to over work of tuition and study of own. All my friends did much for me. My elder brother came from Barisal and did his highest for me. Popy and Seema after two days of my admission to hospital came to the varsity and knew about me. They after collecting address came to the hospital to see me. I was in No. six ward. For want of bed in side I was kept in the veranda on a chowki and the condition was bad. One after another the dead body was being taken. I am very much afraid of hospital, but due to unknown reason I did not fear. In fact my sense was then useless. I felt myself to be at the middle of life and death. They came at the morning. They were passing my bed and seeing them I called. They became very much sorry for my situation. I saw a new girl with them. Next I came to know that she was a friend of my friend. Hearing my illness she came to see me. All of them remained there for some time. Popy was unable to bear my condition. She went out. One day again she came to see me.

My all friends who are girls have helped me much. There was no fan in he veranda. They have brought their own fan. They brought food according o my own choice. I was unable to eat for vomiting. Lastly pipe was used to feed me. I was in the hospital for ten days. Normally I am of ill health and now I have become almost skeleton. I became afraid of seeing me in the mirror. When I came out from the hospital then my bilirubin rate was eight. I remained in full rest to be recovered as early as possible. I was then in Shahidullah Hall The seat in Fazlul Haque that was used by  me was not allotted in my name. Because I was not even then listed as residential. That seat was taken allotment for a big brother and so I had to take share of seat of one of my friend in Shahidullah Hall. The name of my friend is Mamun. He was a different type of man. Easily a fiction can be written depending on him.

I was very sorry for coming Popy from the hospital. I told this to her one day after I recovered. She told about her physical reason. I told her –

I am a son of a poor man. I have no ability to get treatment in any clinic. If this was not bearable to you then could stop your going there. Why did you behave like this? If I would die then this would have been remained in my heart as a stone. She laughed and told me –

I would not allow you to die. I prayed to Allah, so that you recovered as early as possible. I knew that nothing will happen o you.

I told her only –

Is it?

So many situations appeared to screen of mind and this was endless. One day I went to meet her and the monkey bite me for which I had to take fourteen injections around navel point, which was so painful that still  I could remember the pain of the injections. It was unbelievable as to where from this monkey came to the annex building and till it creates fun to all. I was unable to think loss of such life of so sorrow, hardship, insult and pains. In fact no accident appeared to me as accident remembering about only two persons, one is fiancé and another is friend. For one I was trembled with emotion and for another I was devoted.

A number of days passed I have not gone to residence of Seema. Lastly I was there before about one month. It appeared to me as never ending period that I am not seeing her. I went to their residence on the tenth day of ninety six. We had many talk and suddenly she became silent. I had never seen her such. With a very slow voice she asked me whether I was seeing any change in her. I became trembled. I saw her forehead, but there was no sign of sidur. I wanted to see her hand. She told-

Do you think everything is written in hand? Telling this she spread her palms before me. I saw nothing in her hands. She got down from the seat and sat on the floor and told me a news that was very much sorrowful to me. I was not ready to hear this news. But my sorrow she could understand seeing my face. I took two glasses of water. She brought tea and I took it and then glass of water I drank. She told –

What happened to you Monir? Why are you doing like this?

I laughed a little and told-

No. Nothing at all.

After that we discussed light matters and when it appeared to me that everything is being normal to me then I proceeded to my hall. I could not understand why it is being like this? I had nothing to be expected to her. I could not understand my sentiment.

The day I passed sleeplessly. I was in the position to burst into tears.. I slept at the late night, when the morning is appeared. I remained in my room for two days and stopped writhing anything. Yet to my most unwillingness I brought my incomplete script and with much pains I completed the last part. Just before completion I saw the said deep red-black color diary. I opened the diary and a page appeared. I started reading. I should not such emotion as my examination was near, but I could not stop. What the thing is happening from the evening? I was not being able to read. I was thinking about you frequently. I put out the lamp and sang in open voice for some period. It brought no result. Two eyes were filled in with tears and after your going this is the first time that I could cry. It was good as the hot eyes were a bit cold with tears. But the water was more hot than cold. I could not think that you will go in such way. I thought to see you lastly, but it would not. I knew that you are very emotional but it was so  much that it was my dream. I have not talked with you for about eight months and reason for that is not yet known to me. I tried to make an explanation of he same, may be it was a self defence. What was the practical thing? It was expectation, dream. I expected your love, a dream of getting you, that failed. The man hose dream has been broken becomes prey of the errors, which I was. I stopped talking with you. You wanted to be face to face. Why? To take retaliation, for what, for self respect. Then why did you not? There was enough time You could do and became winner. You would be happy defeating me. Why are you like this? So sympathetic. I love you very much, as if Hitler loved Iva Brown, Leonard Wolf loved Virginia Wolf, Nazrul loved Nargis. I don’t know where I would go. If I become a history then introduction of the history will be a girl. You will think that you are she whom I mentioned. No. You are not such lucky. That place was occupied by another heatless girl. Loving her I was able to get a new life and new born. I loved you to forget her. It was my love in early age and her name was Mumu. Proof of my such love are all my poems. It was truelove or which I was unable to endure the hit and I became a poet. One strike has given me many. She was the inspiration of my writing, many sleepless night, many abnormality, many sad period. My introduction will be written with her. The existence of my birth is her endless presentation full of sorrow. I loved her and did not know why she refused me. I don’t know whether she loved me or not loved me. I know still I feel her and will feel up to end of life. Her existence informed me on love. She was such a girl, who is wanted by men. I shall wait for her throughout life. The way I found for love seeing her was the way to love you and so you will remain as a part of my life. I love you much and my such concept is never a servant to any.  I have a doubt in my mind. Had you any mental loving or any other conflict with your friend Seema? The matter was not clear to me. I think there was something. You both loved a man and that man was me. I have still attachment with your friend and it will remain ever. She is my best friend and still I love her much, but as at the stage of friendship. I am very eager to know whether you loved me. My dear friend Seema told that you loved another one and he was Babu But I can’t believe and never shall believe. How shall I? You are the driving force of my youth. You are the chemical. Everything is incomplete without you and that you are with another? No I don’t believe. I have close attachment with Reena. The reason of our separation with you was she. No day will come to break this separation? Will you come to my life again? My little bird, my loveliest creature for me, all my sorrow in my stone heart shall be white gradually.

Before end of my youth come to me. Your body can be the life force tome. The structure of it raise me to life. I became defeated to it only. What a marvellous attraction you had in your body and I died only seeing this. One day I saw the existence of your breast pair through the hollow of your upper wear and I thought to see again, but became unable to see out of shame. You were careful immediately after then. Still I am attached with those and I want to see you full open from all cover and that is not in dark but in the full moon. I want to disclose the first mystery of life enjoying you and this is not a sin. I love you and I want you and that is never a body of a prostitute. Now you are in far. Desire is slept but the dream is ever awakening and the memories are being strong day by day. Annex corridor is free now. I am not willing as before to go there. Only the desire I have is that to shut the door and to think of you. I don’t know how you are feeling in far. I am not well here at all. I heard that you are remaining with your brother. It’s well. I can’t expect that you are remaining near other one or under care of some other. If you would remain here then I would try o keep under my care and attention. I don’t know whether this would have been possible for me or not. However you will keep yourself under your own care. Otherwise, how could I be able to take my share of you? We shall meet again and we shall love again more. In the attractive light and dark of the evening we shall talk so much. There will be love, affection, attachment and attraction and for something final we both shall try to find out a soft bed with delight and then the eyes will be bowed upon one and everything shall be done, may be I shall not be there. May be I shall be in the world of unlimited sky of stars. A new star will be added with the never ending stars of the endless sky. I wish to write a new poem for you, but I am not being able to my end wish. If not become so then what? You are not coming to see it You are on the other side of the Atlantic. A man in the country of lives. Blue pigeon one in the country of luxury and delight. Remain wee.

I closed the diary and kept it. I don’t know why I was thinking everything to be false and false, nothing in the world is true. The thing which has is like the black hole in the distant sky. A false attraction of the oasis in the desert.

I decided not to be here. I shall have to go far and far the most. There the memory will not find me in spite of last endeavour. I shall be happy there at least for a moment.

But is it possible for a man? May be or may not be. Yet everybody tries. Everybody wants to live, survive and me also.

A small letter should be written to Seema. Then, after arranging everything I shall be out of the room. I shall post the letter to GPO and then to the unknown destination. Where it is? May be standing under the wide open sky something shall come into mind. But what shall I write to Seema? She is now to the other.