ERROR
One day she returned suddenly. I left all hope about her before and may be she also forgot me alike. It is normal. I was never able to give her anything that will help to remember me. But I could not find out any reason to ask about her sudden arrival. The question, rather, appeared to me as a fun. Why she will not be able to come to her own house? I observed her and tried to understand whether she will remain here or not. I could understand the balance probabilities of her going and remaining here is equal. She had very tired eyelids, eyesight is frosty, face is pale, no beauty in hair, lips are dried. When she moves with a measured step then I think myself to be responsible for all these things. I thought myself to be a criminal and then I let down my eye, because, I ...
She stares to me giving with a oblique glance, tries to see understand me from my inside and it becomes easy to me to understand how much her frosty stares are sharp and then in my known surroundings I started to be embarrassed. Sometimes I feel myself to be so helpless that I want to go to her to talk. But without any reason I thought that she would not talk with me. I stop me from doing this.
It is also fact that I saw her with oblique glance. But it does not create any effect upon her. As if she an orator before millions of audiences, as normal as a free minded artist before the camera and then I stuck up a little. I bring down my eyes. How much I can continue to remain like this and at times I started feeling bewildered.
She does not care for that. She remains in her own way. I also try to accept the situation. Because at this right moment I could find no alternative. I doubt she can laugh and even I doubt she can have tears in eyes. She appears to be an inanimate matter and her eyesights are the only proof of her being a living thing. If this would not have been then I would consider her to be without body and may be with my last ability I escape away from this place.
While going out for work I gave an oblique glance to her and I understand that she is also marking my going out. I stared at her and expected to be both having straight look each other. But she avoided this very easily. With no attachment we both gave good-bye to each other. But it is true that it entered to heart and emotion and soundless support cared with body. When I was in the way then suddenly I felt myself meaningless, with no value. I remained standing for a while without any reason. As if this is not against the will, but killing time with no specific aim.
This may not be termed as meaningless and at the same time no reason exists there. I could not understand my arrival to the office remaining in deep thought. This is the first time I felt my office room lifeless. It appeared before me as a very undesired place, having no comfort. The room is since long of my own and now at a moment it became undesired and lifeless. I thought when I shall be in the office I shall get my sense and emotion as before. But it is like disappearance of the colorful evening. I don't no the reason as to why I felt that I have left myself at the home and that is to her. This is the first time I felt the attachment of heart with her. I thought that the blood circulation system to the both of our bodies is from one heart and the same lungs are for two and both of us have only one pair of eyes. I felt myself very much bewildered and again and again I wanted to run out from the office room to go to her. But for the reason not known to me it was not being possible. My respiration was being stopped with a strong pressure of hands of anybody not known and I drank the whole glass of water kept beside me.
When I came out from the office I ran to my residence. I was so eager to see her that I thought the passers-by all know my desire and very soon this will be news and will spread throughout the town. Yet I ran to the residence and decided to talk with her.
After arrival I went to the upper through staircase hurriedly. I did not remember the advice of the doctor. The doctors and seniors of my office were all no factor to me then. I went to the door of the room where she resides. She was being seen through the thin curtain and yet I removed the curtain with two hands and then bowing forward a little I could see her from the door. I could find her nothing than the portrait of the soul.
I was staring with no stop to her. I could not understand how much solar years by this time passed and when I could come to sense then her eyes were generous and I am nothing but a criminal. I tried to escape.
When I went to my room then I apprehend somebody came here before. I was staring my eyes round the room as an observer standing on the floor and I was able to find out some disparities. I am not telling anything about ugly but it was not consistent as before. Particularly the books on the table, those she tried to arrange very carefully but she was not able to suppress the radical changes.
The place she used in my bed to sit has been sharply arranged to keep it in its original shape, but that could be detected. When I opened my drawer then I could easily understand that she has had my diary in her hands. I could laugh a helpless laugh. So hurriedly I forgave her that in that sudden moment it was not possible to make any little change in the solar system. I felt earnest desire to see her for a moment again and at that moment a photograph fell from the diary on the floor. I took it and stared to it without break. This is a photograph of her early age. So superb! I thought I have never seen such a sacred face in my life.
I kept the photo in the same place as before. So that if she wants to take it back then she might not require much strain to find out. I felt that she has not given this to me as a gift or presentation. May be this is only to see. May be it is very dear to her and at the same time she wants to show me and not is impossible that she has only one of this. In the dining table the arrangement of today could make a sense of image of care in spite of utmost try to escape the same.
I laid down on my bed for rest. I felt myself like a feather without weight. My constant eyes remained hanging with the roof like the net of the spider.
In the deep of the night I wake up for feeling a touch on my body. A very soft touch near the foot. As soon as I moved she fled away like a fairy hurriedly. I wake up and sat on the bed. I wished to go to her room and give her consolation and also I inform that I have not become annoyed. But I stopped myself then and then. May be it may be more undesirable. She may also be annoyed for this. If she wants to hide anything then I should give her opportunity to do so. It is also a question of formality. Again I laid down on the bed. The sky of the night appeared in my eyes in the imagination and I could find three stars out of enumerable stars in the sky. One is very recent and so soft yet and week, helpless. The remaining two stars are surrounding the new once. Suddenly cloud came from somewhere and the rapacious open wide mouth swallowed the stars and they still are searching in the deep of the cloud.
In the morning no face-to-face appearance happened. Very carefully she kept herself hidden and also I gave her the opportunity. Very carefully I completed all my morning works and set out for the office. When I was in the road then bunch of gentle breeze touched my heart and that gave me abundant comfort to me.
I entered the office with the mind that in some way shall complete my office hour and shall come out. I was so busy with my work that on completion of the work I shall get leave. My old room mate worker laughed at me and told
- So, what Mr. Zamil. To day you seemed to be more delightful than other days.
- I laughed with my full pleasure hearing him and he took my laugh as my answer and he also laughed a little.
After coming out of the office I directly proceed towards a shop. I purchased many presentations for her according to my choice. All the bags in my hands were full of presentation items. I purchased a beautiful card and on it I could write only one sentence. Then I set the card in a bunch of flowers and proceeded to the residence.
Immediately after entering the house I went to her room, but she was not there. I was shocked in my heart and then I went to my room.
There was none in this room also. Then where she went? Suddenly I saw a paper on the table under the weight. I left the bag on the floor and took the paper in my hand. There was a little letter.
Father,
I came to know only whether my mother made any mistake or not. I have known which I needed to know. I love you dad.
Yours affectionate
Neela
I cried shouting the name Neela and that cry like roar of the ocean came out of my heart rapaciously and breaking my ribs it went out. I surrendered to my luck like an innocent child. This is the first time I forgot myself. But when her mother went taking her then I was cool and constantly static. But what happened today!
A shadow figure came out of the curtain. That idol portrait once only called with wet voice, Dad!
And then came to embrace me like unparallel speed. Embraced her strongly in my chest with two hands. I could feel that today I have become able to get my heart in my two hands. I lost all sense. Neela is continuously crying. Again and again I only told the words I wrote in the card-
- 'I love you my dear girl.'
JALMAHAL
In a depressed morning the young man Proshanta decided to commit suicide. He went to a nearby pharmacy, purchased five packets of sleeping pills, came to his room and shut down the weak door. Though his residence is in the market place, surprisingly a silence always exists there and at this silent moment he became able to take most of the sleeping pills. Prtoshanta lost his sense being not known to anybody. But this was his ill fate that he was unable to die. Some of his known persons searched him without any reason but found him senseless. All the persons together brought him out of the room and took to the open wide road. He was showered with water and slowly he came to his sense. Some of them made him walking. Proshanta walks with them with trembling foot. They had only one thing to do and it was that Proshanta would not be allowed to sleep. If once he got sleep then he will never back from the world of sleep. Though Proshanta was not willing to live but all became successful to keep him in sense. May not be all but many people knew the meaninglessness of his coming to sense. Those who knew the truth also tried to bring him in sense with an illusive attention. They knew that bringing him in the sense is fruitless. In fact Proshanta should have his death. But avoiding all such odds he came to life like a shameless. It was not better to some of them. They whisper that he ought to die. Why he became stopped from the death? Is there any reason to live like a shameless?
Day comes and day passes.
Night comes and the night also passes.
Spring of the river Baleswar flows with the way of time.
Proshanta became a living man very slowly.
Live proceeds with the way of life. In fact nothing remains stopped and this is normal. The incidence of committing suicide of Proshata became elapsed slowly from the minds of the people; new incidence became prominent in their minds. But for unknown reason this story of trying to commit suicide by Proshanta remains living in my mind like thorn. Why Proshanta wanted to die?
Parents of Proshanta were killed by the Pakistani soldiers and it was definite that behind this killing the Rajakars had the active hands. Proshanta was some how able to escape with his minor sister keeping her in his lap. Whichever it is. This was a common thing and many of the people had same experience in their lives. Many Proshanta like him moves around us with no voice in mouth. We have not been able to get relief from the evil shadow of these Proshanta even after forty years of liberation. We were unable to be relieved because peoples like Proshanta are not died willingly or someone would not kill them by searching. The most surprising thing is that being the sign of our minimum respect to freedom fighting, the Proshantas are remaining in this country as the most undesired persons in the world. Though Proshantas do not want to survive their soul does not want to leave this illusive world. Proshanta in spite of all remains living in the world. Though they don't want yet they survive and Proshanta also remain living in such situation. Actually he is not allowed to leave this world. All the Proshantas survive again and again to see the loss of chastity of their sisters. It is not easy for him to die.
The little sister with whom he escaped at the time of war lives on the other side of the market. No other lives there. There is only one house in the home where only two girls live. One is the sister of proshanta and another is the friend of his sister. A very little household of two beings. Proshanta does not live there because of two reasons. One is that there lives another girl and other is not to tell right now. Proshanta goes there to see his sister. She is doing well some how. But Proshanta has a sorrow in his mind. In this rural market he has no sources of income. He has lands but lost during the war. He has nothing in true sense. He has some students of lower classes to teach and this is his only source of income. He lives on this little earnings. Sometimes he does not have food to eat. There are many problems of being a Hindu in any Muslim community. He cannot get food in any Muslim's house. Very small number of Hindu residents there.
Yet Proshanta was not very bad in spite of all those odds. He felt more delightful when he came to know that the Babu of the Jalmahal has taken the responsibility of education of his sister. He thought it to be a good way of his sister. That man arranged to live his sister in a house. He gave thanks in silence to this man. He walks and thinks the man is so generous.
Jalmahal is the family residence of the most influential family of this region. It's a beautiful building and the name is Jalmahal. All the development in this area is for the generosity of Jalmahal starting from the settlement. But everybody does not believe this. They have become established through leadership in the area and most of the development has been done for their own welfare. Yet the people are happy as for their sympathy the area has got light, may be it is the light of education or electrical light. In the year of nineteen seventy one they were in support of Pakistan and so they were benefited. They occupied Land and other properties of local persons. Many innocent people and freedom fighters were killed. But that luxury and wealth have not been lessen a little for those reasons. Their influence was never hampered. They wiped out the black span of life with their influence. Within a very little period Jalmahal reached the peak of its position. Those who are rich in combination of wealth and men they become glorious in this way. They live always in light either it is war, tide, flood or drought. They control the fate of others. Jalmahal so day by day has become the seat of the area.
Proshanta does not care for that. He was never attached to politics and never attentive to religion. In fact the complex things like politics and religion do not enter his head. He is good in mathematics of class nine and ten level. Science is also attractive and he understands well. But the good student in the school is dumb, blind and for nothing survives in this world. This is the way to be remained well. Proshanta tries to remain good with his ear and eyes closed.
In this so-called good life of wear and tear some times he becomes so gloomy with a hearing in the air. Very secretly the news comes to him and he also hears very secretly. He fears to hear anything in this area of land and residents. May be only for hearing this, he might face the death. He is unable to understand the bad and bad in his little span of life and this is normal to him. Though he has a backbone he lives like a man who has no backbone. He appears to be a man with a back bone in fact his backbone is hollow. This is full of air. If a small hit comes then it will be without air. The balloon named Proshanta will be wiped out of sight within a moment and this is his fear.
Some one gives this news to him very secretly and the news is unexpected. But after hearing the news he becomes frozen. He then thinks himself to be a cold sniper. But if he had been a snake that would be good. The snake has venom, but Proshanta is not like that. He is an invertebrate like earthworm.
Proshanta decided that he would ask about this to his sister. He thinks that if he asks anybody then that may also be dangerous for him. Proshanta expects in mind that his sister's answer will be negative. If so then he will be able to live in this world for more some days with peace.
Proshanta went to his sister's house, sat in the waiting room and he appears to be a dried faced man. His sister becomes afraid without any reason. Very slowly she asks:
- Are you not well?
- No. I am good.
- Then why are you looking so?
- How it is?
- Not to explain.
- That's nothing. It's all right.
- Hear me. I shall ask you a question and you will not tell any body what I shall ask you. Not even to your friend.
- Ok. It is all right. What is it? Tell me.
- Is the Babu of Jalmahal comes to you by night to remain in bed.
Deepa bowed her head. She does not answer. Proshanta saw with low eyes that drops of water is coming down from the eyes of Deepa.
Prosanta understands what to understand. With his utmost endeavor he lifts his body from the ground and steps forward to go. After a while he tells, do you know, during the war, they killed our parents.
Proshanta feels very hard sorrow to tell like this. He does not tell more. In his eyes the sacred most water is playing. The best part of affection to a sister from a brother left in the verandah of her house. May be his sister understands a little. Because this brother of her has always kept her under care.
With an unknown fear the mind of Deepa fills. But she is unable to tell. She has left everything to the fate. A weak has nothing more than the luck.
Then Proshanta finds no meaning to live in this world. He wanted all the medicine to eat. But after eating three packets he sleeps and after that he does not know anything.
His soul sees only to the lap of Deepa where the innocent head of Proshanta like Jesus stopped forever.
THE SOLDIER
I saw him going through the front road of my house after many days. That known face, not changed any little. For a number of days he was not seen here. I heard he was in a war. To tell the truth I always prayed that he might not return from the war. On the other hand, I think, he could so far understood my desire and in a very good position he came back. He has not even any strain of war on his face; rather he appeared as if he has returned just after completion of his honeymoon with new bride. He was not laughing, of course, but had a peace in his face. I was in a position to think that he is so happy for seeing my wife. I was very happy to understand that I was able to understand his mind. But I did not leave him to tell in mind that...
- Hi, brother, whichever you think I am not giving you any opportunity. Whichever it might be no husband will be willing to share his wife with others. May be somebody will give and I shall consider him to be totally son of a bitch. This is so humiliating that it is just having kisses by a man to the buttock of another man. I believe it with my heart and mind. I am not of that kind, of course. You will not get my wife again.
When I was murmuring all these words then my wife Laila came to me and stood by my side. With a squeezing brow she asked -
- What you are saying alone for long time? Any problem?
- No. Not anything like that. I was a bit indifferent for a moment. This creates problem sometimes. But you are very beautiful.
I told these to Laila at a stretch, and I found no change in Laila. She remained confirmed in her concept and again asked me-
- I think you had been telling something against somebody, but who is that man?
- None, and no doubt it is related with you.
- But I am sure that you had been telling something about me. I have clearly heard you pronouncing the word 'wife'. I am sure you have not told anything about wife of other.
- What you are telling? Is it fit for me in this age?
- Then why you are not telling me the thing clearly?
- Leave this account. Please give me a glass of sweet drink. So hot it is and I feel my heart to be dried.
- You fear the soldiers very much.
-Not at all. Besides, where is soldier here? No war in the country in this moment.
- But there is a war in you. You have seen a soldier on the way a little before and then the war has started in you.
- All these are baseless. It is not like that and why I shall be afraid of you.
- I also think like that. You may be without any suspicion. I am now only for you. He will not be able to come near me. I have wiped him out of mind and also can think that I have some hatred to him. He is a coward.
-But he is a soldier and so far I know he is very much brave. He has earned reputation as soldier. Whichever you tell, but he is not a coward. His face does not tell like that.
- Bravery of love is of different in kind; nothing can be compared with this. In many cases the generals are also remain afraid of their wives. On the other hand a victorious general in many wars become afraid of going with love for love making at night. This is true.
I did not spin out long story on it. I advanced my hand to catch Laila, but she moved from the place and told with denial-
- What are you doing now? Is it the time for it? Not at every moment it attracts me. You have no sense of time. Lovemaking also needs a time specifically.
I became pressed down. I could not have courage to go against desire of Laila. Besides, she has already learnt the arrival of the soldier. May be he came to Laila. Understanding my arrival he has gone out walking as a good man. All his intention did not appeared to me good. Again and again he was staring to my residence. I know this type of looking to a particular place. I myself have also once stared to the residence of Afsana like this. I hoped in mind if I can see her once. It happened sometimes. I thought then that I can stand here for decades for Afsana, but it was not possible, as I could be on the angry face of my father and may be my mother also scolded me for this. I forgot Afsana and proceeded hurriedly to residence. Then I was only fourteen and most surprisingly this man of present age could have the mind like this. In fact the man is not good in character. Such type of man becomes serious and able to do anything for their contention; even they can kill any one for this. I doubt the man will kill me. Oh, my God, what sort of thinking I have now. So far I can remember he accepted the relation of us knowing well. If he had any objection he could make problem at that time. Now this cannot happen. Besides, I have no enmity with him. There was a fun also. My name was same to his name and knowing the same he became surprised and delighted. Incidentally he expressed his delight to Laila with a letter. The letter was some how came to my hand and I became delighted not being afraid for knowing his emotion. The words of the letter were also like that and some words I can still remember.
"…Knowing the name of your life partner I have become surprised and at the same time delighted as the names of both are same. I will be able to think throughout life that you are remaining with me. This is not a trifling matter to me."
I did not want to think over his sorrow. I stopped myself from doing this and right at then I felt myself very thirsty and then the sweet drink with hands of Laila came near to my mouth. I drank the glass at one sip and confirmed my happiness with silent laugh and she also did the same.
I think there is no reason to readers not to understand by this time that Laila is my wife. I always review her. She is not extraordinarily beautiful, but attractive and having a well-structured body with all qualities of a damsel. She is a bit lusting and hot. Her lusting body languages always attract me, bewilder me. She makes me calm with her body and at time sent me the world of sleep having my head on her breast. In the morning when I wake up I find her without dress and dazzling youth are expressed with abandon wealth of damsel. I never dare to get attachment of her by this time and if anything happens like that then that will be disastrous to me.
Since I have seen the soldier I do not go out of the residence generally. We have no kid yet, so Laila is alone without me. The neighbours do no generally maintain deep attachment to us always. So it is natural that I have some suspicion in my mind. I always think in mind that the soldier is remaining in ambush in any place near my residence and whenever he will find opportunity he will jump over the prey. His target is Laila and no acute will not doubt over it.
However, all these are my personal thoughts. At the same time I think that there are reasons behind this. Laila is also thinking over the matter and this can be understood reading face. Is the soldier is thinking like this? May be. I consider the person very clever. Besides, he has military training that has given the skill to make his target effectively attack and that will be without fail. I believe in my mind and heart that he can do anything at any time. But I doubt whether he will do this, yet I can't wipe out the thought from the mind.
Laila is keeping me under her observance always. She is looking over my movement. I firmly believe that she expects in her mind that due to any important work I might go to some distant place, or a dramatic situation may come which will make a separation between us for the time being so that she could find opportunity of getting attachment of the soldier. But I have taken decision in my mind that till that person will be moved out from here I shall not leave even the shadow of Laila. I sometimes think to cover Laila with hard materials so that the soldier becomes unable to break the cover with the fire of canon. Then and then the thought appeared to me as fun and I laughed. I cannot avoid the sight of Laila. She became a bit annoyed and told -
-What's up to you, laughing alone, what's the matter with you?
-Nothing. A funny matter came to knowledge and so I laughed. This is not very big thing. This may happen in case of you also.
-I am not an insane that I shall laugh alone. In fact the soldier has made your brain inactive. I advise you to be off from these evil thoughts. After marriage the girls do not think over this any more. Rather their husbands remain in doubt about them without any reason. If you think so extremely then you will be mad.
I don't continue to tell anything. I came out, walk here and there and suddenly I met a friend who gave me a considerable delight in mind. We exchange our well and woe and talked for a while and at times he told me -
-Hi, my dear friend, I have seen the soldier dear to your wife. He returned after many days. He will be here for about a month. Have you seen him?
-No. We have not.
-It's good. But he may meet your wife. So be careful. Love remains alive under any circumstances.
-How it could be? We are doing well for long time.
-Everything is possible in conjugation and war and he is efficient in the both.
My friend went out and again the evil thought came to my head. He has not told anything bad. I should tell in this occasion that my friend is always careful about my interest. He expresses the true with hard words and he likes it. He does not want me to sustain any loss. So his warning for my betterment sets to my head as an octopus. The clouded thought when disappeared a little then I could remember that Laila is alone in the house. I started walking to the residence hurriedly. I wanted to cover the distance through running, but it will be so funny and I decided to walk as much hurry as I can. After arrival I found Laila sitting inside the ward on a tool. She has a woollen sweater that she started sewing recently. She was sewing the end sides of the sweater using the sharp sewing equipment. My arrival on running made her laughing and when I went to her near then she told in a laughing voice and eyes -
-Don't be afraid. The soldier will not kidnap me and if that would have been done then it could be done earlier.
-Right at that time I thought that somebody jumped over the wall to get down and his footsteps sound was clear to me. Laila starred at that and told -
- May be any cat or something like that. No gentleman will flee away using such dirty path. Be steady and sit here. You have become almost tired.
-I sat down with a thud. The sound started came to my ears again and again. But I could not compare the sound whether it is of man or cat. I have no training on it, if would have then it would be effective. Now it is meaningless to think. I could not even find courage to go from Laila and see the same. If it is not correct then her reproach I shall have to bear.
But an undesired situation at last came. A telegram of distant relative being aunt came in this time. My arrival became necessary. But I was not being able to decide to leave Laila alone here. My destination was not easy going for which I could not tell Laila to go with me. At last I decided to bring a relative to live with Laila during my absence. Then I could proceed to some extent peacefully. But throughout the way I could not get relief of thought of Laila and the soldier.
After doing work I returned to the home with plea that Laila is residing alone. Laila, of course, told me to spend the night with my aunt, because a long distance movement of up down will be strenuous for my health. Moreover there will be another person for her. But I could not resist. At about eleven I arrived in front of my residence. While I was going to knock then whispering came from inside the room and I adjusted my ears to hear -
-I still love you.
-I know. But no attachment is possible now.
-You are a coward. You became unable to marry and now getting chance you being unable to avail. He will come next day. This night is for you and me.
-Leave these. Tell something else. How you are doing?
-I want to get you. I have taken big risk of feeding sleeping pill. See, how she is sleeping. Please come near my dear.
-Oh, no. What you are doing? I have not come here to you for this. I have come here to see you from near at a glance. Now you are wife of another man. You are not legal to me.
-I hate you, hate you, and hate you.
Suddenly a sound of being something detached. Possible some metal thing is fallen on the floor at a some distance. Then a search to find out the thing by both of them and whispering at last of not getting the thing. At that time I knocked the door. When the door is opened then it was a deadly silence.
Laila told -
- Have not been tired to return by night? This would have been better to come tomorrow.
- The work is completed and so I returned. Tomorrow shall be used for another purpose.
-Wash your hands and mouth. I am giving dinner.
-Not feeling any desire to eat. I am going to bed. I am very tired.
The body with lust to get attachment of the soldier at last cooled down with my loving touch and then the damsel bring so tired with conjugation lost sense in the sleep. This is the first time I became brave. With a little torch I searched out the little thing. May be he was coming back from any reception party. This was precious medal and that was thrown with the attack of Laila.
I kept the precious thing under my custody. Next day I saw Laila searching something here and there and at a time with great annoyance she told -
- What's a peculiarity? Is it vanished?
-I asked her with false worry -
-What is the thing lost?
-A needle, falls from my hand. Searched much, but could not get, may be it will hurt some time in foot.
I did not continue. After breakfast and wearing an acceptable dress I proceeded with the precious thing. I walked slowly and at times I attended the residence of the soldier. He was afraid seeing me. But it was so hidden that it remained in his heart covered like an unsuccessful revolution. He welcomed me warmly. I told him that he has come back to the country and so I have come to see him. He entertained me carefully. We have talked a lot and I found him friendly. I requested permission to leave and he requested to go again and came up to the door to tell me good-bye. I gave that round figured medal to his hand and told that on the last night you had lost the thing in my residence. I have got it. I think it is precious.
GOLDEN GIRLS OF GOLDEN DAYS
My name is Rupam.
When I was at the age of only five years, then at any cause, suddenly my mother died. I become an orphan. Everybody look at me with depressed and illusive sights. The event was as enjoyable, on the other hand, that was somehow painful. There is a wave of illusive being felt for all. Right then, I was not so adult to understand properly what is death. That is why I considered every one distressed oppositely. But I had been understood at my adulthood, I myself was really sorrowful that day. And all had an affectionate sight for me. Then I felt sever sorrow in order for making that error of the stupid heart. I tired sometimes when in remembrance that scenario. Alas I felt everybody unhappily oppositely. But I was at worst condition leaving mother. But I was not at age to be understood so much event of the world. So I pardoned everybody in minds.
All of these events have been appeared clear when at my adulthood I saw that I have no mother, but everybody has mother. I cried at the second phase. It is very inconvenient. No affection gets going to the school, the time to take meal or preparing lesson or at least going to the bed for sleeping. This is really a great trouble. I try to bring my mother in memory, but can not be visible in my mind.
My father is a very intelligent one. It's true that many men are intelligent. This is not a matter in the line. Suppose, a petty conductor of a Bus, he is also very intelligent. Because of he still sits bringing big note of money at the time of collecting fares. His straight answer, no change to me. I shall pay after being changed. May be, in order for business, many of them forget the words of their notes. Missing in absent minds. They dropped immediately after touching the Bus of Station. And then the said conductor keeps the money inside his under pocket slowly paid by those gentlemen. I myself was a victim for it. I was going to Kakrail by bus from Gulistan in order for not having car with me. I paid him a note of one hundred taka. The conductor told me that, change is not available, when it exists, shall pay. I was sitting helplessly. It reached Kakrail. I dropped. The note of one hundred taka had been kept at hands of conductor. One hundred taka in exchange of two taka. It's not bad I decided then and then, the conductors are also intelligent being. It is good to be thought the event. All are intelligent in respect of religion and color. It is a unified unity at a point. Since birds in case to the cunning share traders, housewives to veteran politicians, professor of physics to garbage collector girls-who has a lacking of a general elements like wisdom. It is good to think the event. The mind gets cheerful.
I, basically, intended to say about the sharp attitude of my father. But in the midst of it, the issue titled wisdom came forward. Because of, may be, I have a lacking of it. But all of these are opinion of my girl friends. It is really a matter of shame, that I have a little which the issue do have everybody.
I, of course, think me wise. Though they get nothing of wisdom to me. They, of course tell always that I am so foolish that I do not feel the little minds of girls. To be stood first in the class is not meant intelligent one. Those are intelligent persons who can make six easily adding two and two. But there is no way to be understood. I do not belong to their group. Because of, there are not a lot in me. I always face loss. And everybody losses me willingly. But I cannot catch the same even. At very immediate past when an unemployed youth demanded to me one thousand taka to buy wears modestly by which he will attend to an interview of a job and I gave him two thousand taka. Many men told me that the guy concerned is a cheat and cheating with people is his practice. He, may be, will take 'Dail (Toxication)' overnight. The 'So called' interview is nothing. Everything is fake. Of course, I did not get meet him after disbursing money. Neither with others. They judged me as a 'final foolish'. I, too, obeyed it without hesitation. I guessed myself like the king who paid money to the unknown person buying house.
But everything has an exception. As everybody ate all the apples dropped from tree since of creation, so the issue of Gravity power was right then undiscovered. A less wise person named 'Newton' not eating apple started reassessing oppositely. He started to think the event of Apple. Why did Apple dropped on the ground rather going to the sky? The theory of Gravitation has been discovered. We have got space transportation.
That toxicator cheat who got my money arrived before me after three months. He is worn a worth dress having neck tie. He conveyed me 'Saalam' and told whether did I identity him? I answered in affirmative rather having astonish. He laughed. Then after he said that he is serving as 'Executive' to a Multinational Company. The remuneration is BDT sixty thousand. It will gradually be increased. He was thinking about his marriage. In order for working pressure. The new job, you know. No leave. The foreign Assignment is in the coming year. The reward is residence and car and many others based on the performance.
Everybody is astonished. Yes to be said. What does the guy says. Everyone engulfed cards just of offering cards by him. Everybody has finished seeing the same before my watching. Really the foreign company. Really the Executive. The youth is at smiling. He told dowing that I convey 'Saalam' once again you 'Vaizan (Elder brother)'. I did not face interview whether not getting money. The job is so far, be died without food. Right now, I do not take 'Dail (Toxication)' / I take 'Scotch'. You never take it. Ascetic people never take it. I told him that I am not a good man. I have given you money meaninglessly. All the Good men say this 'word'. It is proved further that you are a good man. What ever may be the event, the wheels of households have been moving as having a few good persons in the world. The good persons are grease of wheel. Wheels cannot move without grease.
The youth went out. He only uttered the simple before his departure that the respect to your faith is my establishment, please bless me. I, as it were, can face loss believing people. All of you be in good position.
All of them told, Miracle! Nobody told about my forecasting. I, also, has been placed to the list of stupid.
I was supposed to say the story of golden girls. But the unnecessary issues have come forward. Of course, not totally worthless. My girls are hidden within these. They are also within my surroundings and environment. They are not animals of jungle. They cannot fly in the sky. Some of them also swim in water and fly by Aeroplane. But it is the truth that they live at dusts of the earth. So far be modernized, this town and its life, being dragged a few dust touch their white foot-lily of those golden girls, the presence of all Luxurious carpets at their residences prove it. There had no need of carpet whether having no dust. The human being is basically companion of dust.
I, of course, had to tell story of golden girls. But frequently the other issues are coming forward. The other sort of love has got me. The love today is too wet partly. So far a wet feeling. My mind is also wet. I am good enough tonight. And for this, might be, the golden girls have gathered into my feelings. The girls do not came unnecessarily. The arrivals of golden girls have happened at golden times only. I had also intended to tell about keen sights of my father. But I could not be able to reach to the issue.
My father is really a man of keen-sights. Nothing of me avoids his eyes. He tries to see me by his sights and try to understand. He thinks over me and loves me. We, the two have a one life and memory of many words to be paid. That is a long story. I have no intention to make story belong to this story. The reason is only one. I have determined that I shall not be offloaded remembering those memories of my father's endless affections. Because of he has to be fulfilled, the place of that mother in my life in order for not having mother. He has to be brought that responsibility in order for not having sister. That's a long history. A long way to be moved. The little of the history of that long role of my father will be hard to be placed at this small premise of the story of golden girls. The length of a small piece of that, as it were, larger than a Himalaya to me. There is no room keeping him to the story. Yet, if something came belong to the story, then the relevancy of that is not more than seeing back of the giant whale.
However, the golden girls had come at my golden days. It comes to the lives of all adolescents. It also comes to lives of all youths. Again, it comes to the lives of all adults. To speak in truth, it is very common. But I sat to write the story. Might be that was something different.
The golden girls were three in numbers. The name of one is Raihan. The other one is Rebeka. And the last one is Rehena. The three are artistic. Incomparable to appearance and quality. They have not come meaninglessly. I arranged them assorting. The three were close to me. Which is called `friendship'. They have touched me to my deepest area of sensation. But the only exception is that each of them thought me their lover. But the event was never so. One of them was with appearance of my mother. One was like my sister and the other was in line of my aunt. To whom I have been brought up. They did not know nothing about those. Unnecessary they agitated thinking love. I laughed in mind always.
I am not a washed tulshi (a plant) leave. I understand perfectly minds of women. And also understand their trend and action. Some one was over my heart into the seat of lover. But he is none of them. She is a girl fond of my father. He determined it at my very childhood to bring her as wife of his son. Her name is Barsha. She resides in Kolkata with her parents. Barsha who is daughter of my father's friend is not any character of this story. I have another life with her. I shall tell story of Golden Girls of Golden Days only to this story. And they are only three persons.
I imagined Raihan in place of my mother. She was having with that quality. She is affectionate, softhearted and illusive. She looked after every issue of me. Raihan finds out at first my haphazard hairs, tiredness in eyes, poor sleep at night, non-attentive to study and my non-feeding etc. However she placed at my mother's seat. Rebeka was like my aunt. She was very attentive to discipline. She was to discipline. She was instruction-provider to me now can I continue to move on self-direction. She was afraid for my uncertain world and supplier of all what I need. It is worthy to say that our solvency is beyond question. I have been brought up within plenty of riches. My golden daughters are also belonging to solvent families. So, not having address to poverty, rather one was without hesitation to compense for other in order for over flown solvency. Rebeka, to be said, purchased all of my necessities voluntarily. No direction she needs. And her smiling was like a sweet sister. She was mad wandering with me. Her day today action were listening music, going to cinema aiding study, displaying the bed-room by self-hands and side by side domination little bit using rough words, etc., etc. So, I have placed him in place of my sister.
But none of three did not know that. They did not know about Barsha also. So, they could not sum up their calculation. They knew me a loveless man. But I was happy. These golden girls surrounded by me had fulfilled my life. I had been received warming of love to Barsha. When they had been informed about Barsha, by the days, the sun of the day has been climbed up at mid-sky. Everybody had been warmed up by its hit. What is having with this Barsha, their have a shortfall of them? I could not say them that which you do have, that does not exist in Barsha and that is why Barsha has come in life. Barsha was having with a household quality. She wandered at time bringing accounts of life. She loved me in limit. The format of our family was over her head. She painted picture of household to the play of that over accounts crossing the love. She become eligible to be my wife in order for her severe efforts becoming me fit for the family side by side taking place for self removing others. She was more than a lover.
Talking in the line, the real love never has come in my life. Because of, Barsha was not like the same. She thought for future. I, so, had been accepted her. The life does not continue only emotion. A hard mistress is needed to be a wife who will only think for future. She was not more than that. Of course, she loved me and that was exposed within thinking moving me. My father liked this hard-accounting girl for the reason for that family.
Many can think that the story may be long watching the starting of the story. But there is no reason to be long this story. My golden girls are busy with their selves families. The golden girls are now scattered throughout the world. Girls of riches have been married in unscheduled countries. Their lives are likely the same.
The princess coming from different countries flew them. I am now with family associated with Barsha being rescued from them. Barsha is busy with accounts of her family.
Our little daughter is playing on the floor. I smiled looking at her ending my story. She also laughed meaninglessly looking at me for why. I unnecessarily told her the story is ended here. I don't know what she understood.
DISREPUTE
Rahela is charming with an expressional lofty body structure and not also bad in appearance. She passes her days working in different houses. There is no specific work. It includes husking, cleaning yard, making fuel stick, washing utensils, bringing water and such others. Simultaneously she also complies with small bits work of others. Sewing quilt, repairing torn paper are also her leisure works. She gets work and never Rahela denies anybody. This is not for hardship but mainly she subscribes it as an honor. She is like this and she is unable to deny anyone when requested.
This is not enough to tell about her. She is so much shameful and modest that she can not up her eyes to anybody, either a girl or boy. It is just like a girl of a temple of the primitive period, who works always with no demand. She never raises any resistance. She with absolute simplicity and now she is a damsel. It has become problem for this to work every where as it may create undesired names and if once happens then it will be difficult to be married. She is poor and this is a reason and if there is bad names then none will marry her.
Residence of Rahela is by the side of a public road, surrounded by trees and creeps having a small dark environment always. Throughout the year there remains unclean water in the ponds with rotten leaves. It is so cold in the winter that it creates the jaws inactive if taken in the mouth. Rahela never feels it a problem, as if the body is made of steel. She takes her full body bath in that water. As she has no winter dress she moves in residence bare foot and wearing only sari and blouse when it is winter. Yet Rahela is happy. She passing days with her work having food someday and not having food some day and all these features denying the situation concludes that she passes happy days.
Many men moves through the public road by the side of the residence of Rahela and truly Rahela does not care for that. And if she stares she will be able to see a little with the small scattered hollows of dense trees and creeps. Some times she feels to stand at the corner of the residence, to seethe movement of people, for a little moment. But for unknown reason, it does not happen. In fact she does not have much time also after doing work in the houses of others and then the work for her own in the residence. But she does not mind, because she does not have anybody of her choice, for whom she needs to stand waiting by the side of the road.
Most recently she suddenly becomes attentive. Somebody while going through the road gives a sound of two lips, a kind of singing whistle. The sound is strong. Rahela feels an amusement in mind, reason of which not known and she somehow thinks that the whistle of lips are for her. She does not understand what she would do. One day, suddenly, she feels a desire to the person who gives such sound. When she hears the sound of lips she very smoothly but hurriedly goes to corner of the house. She becomes surprised to see Fazu. Then Fazu is the person who does it! Rahela settled to do an amazing things to Fazu.
Very softly she calls Fazu
- Fazu Bhai where did you go?
- In the west side of the village to see trees and some unripe coconut
also.
- What is about your business?
- Doing somehow, not bad.
- I heard you have purchased a television?
- Yes I did, but black and white. Let come one day. I shall show you movie.
In the evening of the Friday a Bengali Movie is shown, not very bad. But being it black and white it is not so amusing. It would be good if the television would colored.
If the mind is colored then black and white movie also appears colored. Your mind is colorful. How sweet the whistle in lips you give! It enters the mind.
- Is it?
- Yes and I came hearing the sound of lips.
- I think I am very much lucky. I think you have understood something?
- What is that?
- No, ... nothing.. this does not mean anything.
- How could I? I don't know reading writing. I am even not able to write
my own name. But if make me understand then I shall be able.
- Nothing there is not understand in it, I, I mean...I... you...
- What is to me?
- I like you a little.
- Why it is little! Why not much?
- No its not like that, it is much.
- A bit more will not do. It will need a lot of good.
- Then take it to be very much.
- If my father knows then something bad will be on your future. Let me go now.
- You have told me nothing.
- Not now.
- Why? Tell right now.
- Nothing to tell and everything needs not to be told. Let me go. I shall have to do some work.
Telling so Rahela in a moment goes away in the dense trees out of sight. Fazu without a glance of eye stares to that. He feels his two foots are stuck up with the earth. He forgets to move. Then Rahela is not unwilling and where he will keep this delight?
Rahela does not understand when the time has passed in course of work. Yet in gaps of work she thinks the words of Fazu. Does Fazu really loves him? May be. May be not. Recently Fazu appears to be nice to see. Black hair with oil and combed well, so nice! Wearing costly dress with likewise rapper on the body and placard lungi. He earns handsome amount with the business of trees and unripe coconut. So he has a pride in his movement. Moreover he is the owner of only television in the area.. May be black and white. So what? No other has black and white television. So it is not impossible to have some pride in his mind.
Rahela laughs in her own mind. If she becomes the wife of Fazu then she will be able to watch television sitting in the room of Fazu, though she is not literate yet she will be able to learn seeing the things. Moreover Fazu has told him that she loves her and it is possible everything in love. Fazu will teach her.
Fazu is not also well educated. He was for some days in primary level. But he is skilled in business. Complex account of tree is under his easy control. He can make account of a tree seeing it only and then he tells the price. If he would tell on imagination then he would be loser. Fazu is not like that, he is a skilled businessman.
Like the tree he does not make any mistake to know a woman. Its evidence is that she likes a strong structured woman like Rahela. The most reviling person will also not be able to tell something bad about her body structure. Even such one is not easily seen. Fazu has targeted the correct point. He is a good selector.
Though this emotion of love makes her delighted yet she has thorn hit in her mind about Fazu and it is that Fazu is married. He has a little son. Then is it that she will live with another wife of Fazu being a co-sharer wife? How it is possible? She is not married! She is a recent damsel with full chastity. May be poor they are, so what? She has a value in the mind of young men for marriage. It is possible that she will be able to collect one for herself. But she becomes a bit bewildered when she thinks about dower money of the marriage. Her father is poor and have no mentionable sources. He is suffering from disease of lungs, always have cough, and unable to do any work. He is completely depended upon Rahela. But the man is very peaceful and does not create any complexity. If given then he will eat and if not given he will not eat. He will not shout. In this sense he is a good man and for all these reasons Rahela likes her father a bit more than others. When she gets food from different houses after work she brings it to the house and eats together. Rahela has none other than his father. Her mother died long before, when Rahela was a little girl. Her father has not married again. His family is comprised with his daughter only
Rahela can find solution as how she will be able to go her husband's house leaving her helpless father and in consideration to the same it is better to get married nearby. She will be able to take care of her father. In such situation Fazu is not bad for selection. His residence is nearby, after some houses he has his residence. To say it clearly there is only a channel between the two houses.
Rahela has unlimited thoughts about married man Fazu. She thinks over many aspects, but not become able to come to a good and acceptable conclusion always. She understands the solvency of Fazu and on the other hand insolvency of self. But she cannot be able to feel comfort to think of living with a woman who is already a wife of Fazu. How it is possible? Besides she understands that the character of Fazu is not good, always hankering after the girls and he has some bad names in this respect. Fazu is fashionable and so skilled to get attachment of girls. The most important thing is that why he married so earlier.
Recently Fazu is found in the public way frequently. Particularly it is after getting positive attitude from Rahela. He seems to have unlimited delight in his mind. So he is eager to the last extent. Without any reason he moves around the residence of Rahela, gives whistle of lips and it cant be told that this is not appreciable to Rahela. She has some hesitation, and in all she has a mixed sentiment on all these things. But before thinking over well about bad or good, present or future she already in secret had time with Fazu several times the dense jungle by the side of the residence. Fazu does business of wood. She can move speedily in the jungle without any sound, as if a cat, keeping his presence there not known to others.
Rahela remains always afraid. If her father knows it then may be she will be ousted from the house. Openly he will tell that a daughter like garbage is not needed to him. Go out of the house. How Rahela will then be appeared before her father. And what will the local people will say about it? Everybody will turn face from her and they will tell " Shit! Rahela, are you so bad? This was not known to us."
Those who will tell like this are no less bad than Rahela and they have already done such work and were quite able to keep secret. The bad man has the strongest shout and Rahela particularly fears them.
Time passes in the way of its own. Night comes after day and day comes after night. When it is full moon then it is waiting the darkest night. The spring in the mind of Fazu touches the heart of Rahela beyond knowledge of others. The fall of rain drops in the life of Rahela makes both showered again and again. Everything proceeds in the way of nature Crossing the norms and right ways starring, their own demand of lives find their own ways with its own rules. At times Rahela becomes pregnant as a result of being uncared for a single moment.
Rahela tells the situation to Fazu. She had hope that Fazu will be very much happy. But Fazu does show any remarkable reaction hearing the news, rather he appears to be indifferent about, absolutely careless. Rahela becomes astonished and at the same time she becomes perplexed. Is it that she has done her own destruction by herself? Now the rolling yarn of kites of her life is on the hands of Fazu. If Fazu wants then he can bring her down to earth from the sky and if he wants then cutting the yarn he can allow her fly away to the unknown destination. If it happens like that then where she will go, where she will stand? Rahela finds no way. She never faced such complex situation in her life before. Yet she becomes unable to tell the same to anybody. She thinks and thinks always on the matter.
Fazu does not come here like before. Rahela not also tells anything. What is the benefit to tell? Faju is unable to give her any decision. He gives pressure to go to the town for abortion. But Rahela is not at all wants to destroy this crop of love. Rahela does not understand many things , but he hears a sound of steeping forward of some thing in his heart and that is growing slowly in his womb. The said abstract soul cries and tells her "Mother, don't destroy me".
After thinking a lot Rahela takes decision by herself. If Fazu does not marry him yet he will not destroy the soul in his womb. She tells this truth to Fazu very clearly. Fazu remains stands still for a while. He can not say anything. Without any sound Rahela goes out and at time Fazu also leaves the place. Day light is then intolerable to him. What problem has been created for him by Rahela!
Fazu becomes unable to marry Rahela as he has wife and son. Day passes and then months. Rahela's abdomen became puffed up and at times it becomes like a pillow. Now she has been detected. Though none tell yet everybody understands that the person behind the scene is Fazu. Bad names of Rahela is spread among all very shortly.
But Rahela remains determined.
When the village leaders came to know the thing they arranged a conference. Fazu for himself manages everything in exchange of money. Rahela does not complaint against Fazu. She clearly informs everybody that she has no complaints against Fazu. She is the mother of this child not yet born. She will bear all the responsibilities by herself in respect of the child. Everybody becomes surprised. All the leaders undertake decision that Fazu will compensate Rahela on payment of Taka ten thousand. Rahela will make everything all right. Wife of Fazu under no circumstances agrees to take Rahela as the second wife of her husband.
Time passes away a bit, as if hurriedly. The wombs is filled in with the unborn baby, but Rahela is in suspicion for unknown reason that she will not be able to see the child when it will born. She does not know why her mind tells like this. She thinks her baby will not be able to see the light and air of the world.
The suspicion of Rahela becomes true. When she was returning to her residence doing works in different houses she feels intolerable pain in her abdomen. She tries to tolerate the pain somehow, but it does not decrease, rather increases.
Suddenly Rahela feels that a stream of blood is coming down through her thighs. She gives birth to dead male child. Rahela becomes senseless and when she came to the sense she saw number of persons in the room. She weeps, feels ashamed and tries to hide her face. She hears that the men in the room are telling that oh creator! and at last the sin is end and we are relieved.
The dead child of Rahela is put to grave in that place where she would stand in waiting for Fazu. This was only one request to all to put the child to grave here.
Bones of illegal child are valuable for psychic activities. So in spite of illness Rahela guards the grave of her child so that none can lift the dead body to take away. Rahela becomes determined in mind that till the bones of her baby will not be absorbed in the soil she will continue to guard the grave.
IN SEARCH OF YELLOW RAIN
I was never in habit to flee from the school. Either I went to school and remained there or it would happen that I would not go to school. I did either of this two with my decision. I would believe that there is no hard and fast rule to go to school everyday and on the other hand there should not such habit that the school would be avoided always. In this way my life was attached to school and not attached to school. Both were the way of my life. But the difference of fleeing from the school was that if I would not go to school then I would remain in the residence. In it there was nothing difference of life. But there is a joy in fleeing from the school and it is different. So one day I decided to flee from the school with my friend Nayan.
In a little distance from the school there was mettaled road. The road remains busy with movement of bus, truck and van with different materials. Some rickshaw also moves in the road, but it was very less. I told Nayan that-
If we go to a distant through this way then we shall find a place named Lebukhali. There is a river and about one mile of the river has been dried. There is a Braille Bridge under which we shall find abundant leaves of Hogla tree. Let us flee one day from the school and go there. We shall see the beauty of dense leaves of Hogla tree in the vast dried land of the river. There is ferry ghat at the end of the bridge where there is a small river still. It will be very much delighting. We shall be able to see ferry.
Nayan became very glad. I can describe a thing well.
Bus conductor seeing us laughed and told-
Where will you go?
I told, we will go to Lebukhali. We will see Braille bridge there.
You will have to pay fare.
No. We have not. Students do not need fare. (we had been wearing school dresses).
Sit here. (They allowed us to sit by the side of the driver).
Nayan laughed at me. I also laughed. He was a bit afraid, and the same position was in my case. I was the first boy in the class. Sir will search me entering the class first. When he will know that I have gone to travel keeping my books in the class then surely he will be annoyed with me. Surely he will call my elder second brother and will tell this. My brother will not be angry with me for any of my work. But I may face any accident and that will be the matter of thought to my brother.
Within a short period the bus arrived Lebukhali and the bus conductor got us down to the way at the bridge side. It was being evening then. We had been seeing the golden sun in the sky. In the two sides of the bridge the dense forest of Hogla leaves. Nayan and I caught hands of each other and ran forward. This is the first time that we fled from the school and came to such distance. All bindings of life became far with our delight. We laughed to our last end. We started to proceed to the end of the bridge. It was a long bridge.
We walked through the side of the bridge and at times we got up to the bridge, sat on the railing allowing our legs to the downward. I told to Nayan-
- Life is so beautiful; and we would have been unable to understand if we would not come here.
- You tell like an aged man. Where have you learnt? You may be a writer in future.
- I don't know. But if I could be the golden sun then that would be the best for me. See, how beautiful the golden sun in the end of the afternoon! Nice!
- A bit color of yellow, isn't it? Nayan told.
- May be. But every body had no such eyes to visualize it and those who have they may not live long. You see the learned men die very suddenly.
- Right you are. He told.
- I always tell the right. I am the son of sorrows. The real cause of concept of me is my sorrows.
- Please don't talk like a philosopher. We have come to travel and that we have done through leaving the school. I don't know what will happen if it is known to others in my residence.
- Leave those accounts. Will happen what is to be happened. We don't come everyday.
Nayan laughed. He laughs very nicely. I also laughed.
The afternoon was being end and the evening was coming. Gradually the golden color of the sun was being yellow. I told Nayan-
- Let us be hurry. We shall have to go to the end of the bridge. There we shall see the ferry ghat.
We moved hurriedly and when we reached the ferry ghat then the sun was about to set. A return bus came. We got up and to the evening we came to our house.
While leaving me Nayan told-
- What will be my answer if asked in the residence?
I answered-
- You will tell that we have gone in search of a yellow rain.
May be Nayan answered like that. He died on that night.
I remember what Nayan said on that day. He told,
- What a yellow like color, isn't it!
I told him-
Everybody has no such eyes to see like you. Those who have may be they will not survive long.
BIOSCOPE
When any poultry, cow or a calf become much healthy then the girls of the cultivators family members thinks as to how much money could be earned through selling the same. May be the sale proceed will meet the requirement of fees of their school going children. If not the amount is much more to meet the higher demand of senior class then banana, arum, mango, and other cultivable products will be sold to meet the remaining requirement. All these happen before the eyes with tears of the children or the water of the tongue. They cry either for love to them or for their greed to eat. In spite of that all these are taken to the market to sell resisting the desire of the children.
In our home all these are happened frequently. We have a big family of ten brothers and sisters. Examination either of them would remain throughout the year. At the same time necessity books, ink, pens and very necessary new wear (essential) were always remained. Thinking of this necessity or for habit a hen became very attractive with health eating its own and snatching the others. The neighbors told if the hen is sold in the market then at least one hundred Taka will be gained, even the amount may be more than that. In that period one hundred Taka was a big amount. Because foolish inflation and frequent fall of local currency rate were hardly be heard.
At last we had nothing to do. One day my mother in the evening convinced me to take the said hen to take in the local market of the village to sell it.
At first she made me fit to go to the market. She gave me the best wear to use and also got me wearing the lungi well and strongly in my waist. Thereafter she brought the bottle of oil and taking a good quantity she used the same to my whole body. In this way she made my body and face more or less appreciable as my body and face were not clean and smooth. I found my face and body are also like the healthy hen that I would have to sell. However to the end of my sorrow I proceeded towards the market taking the hen in my lap. In the way many men told me many things and all those relating to the cost of the hen. But I could not find any opportunity to sell the same, as my expected price of the hen was not available.
I went to the market, found the corner side where the hens were being sold and bind the hen to a stick with the rope that was with its leg. Thereafter I stood pretending to be an efficient businessman at its side. I had pride in my mind because none of the hens in the market were not like my one. It was a made up hen.
I did like an experienced businessman applying all policy to raise the price. There was only one cause and it was that then there was an epidemic of poultry. The market was full of hens with disease of particular type. I was not frustrated because my hen was healthy and in touch of anybody the hen was making sound in its own way. Everybody was in the opinion that the hen was not bad and still the hen is not attacked with disease. I clearly informed all that my hen was completely out of disease.
Since there was epidemic so many men purchased hen with less price. Though a number of them were dying in the way while those were taking to the residence. Yet almost all the men were purchasing hens, as it was low cost.
I asked for a high price and so none was found to be willing to buy my hen. Buyers in the local market were also limited. I became a bit frustrated. At that time I came to know that a bioscope has come to the market and with one Taka only one can see a total show of the bioscope. I had Taka one in my pocket. I did not want to leave the opportunity. I requested the person sitting by my side to take care of my hen and I went to see the bioscope. So delighted I became to see the bioscope. After seeing the bioscope I came running to my hen. With surprise I found that my hen is not bind with the stick. Only the stick is remaining.
I came to know that the hen has freed herself from the stick and fled away. Many of the nearby persons tried to catch, but failed. It has been fled away to the dense jungle near the market. I became very much afraid. What shall I tell after going to the home? It was so costly. In my residence everybody will be angrier when they will hear that I have lost the hen, as I was not with it for my going to see bioscope. It was evening. Local market generally held at the evening. I became brave and entered the jungle, searched a lot but I could not find the hen. It became night, darkness surrounded the site and then I proceeded to the home. I was not very easy to walk with the sorrow of losing hen.
I came to near of the home but could not have courage to enter. I remained sitting on the field near the home. I was unable to find out as to what will be my answer at the home. Why did I go to see the bioscope? This was the big question to me than the loss of hen. Did I go to the hell?
At last I decided to enter the home. It was hard decision for me even more than the war decision and for this I was sitting for long time in the field. I entered the house with fear. My father saw me and asked me -
- Where is the hen?
I told-
- It has gone out from my hand and went to the jungle. I searched a lot but could not find.
He laughed and told -
- Nothing to be worried. The hen has been found. It was on the tree of a house near the market. They could know that that was our hen and without making late they gave it to our home.
I heaved a shy of relief as if I came out from a dangerous situation. I felt that the pressure of a stone has been removed from my chest. I was so delighted then that it was not possible to describe to anybody. But I thought over the matter very much that how the hen could gets up on the tree with its heavy body?
I remembered the scene of the bioscope. In that scene I could see there Tajmahal, Howrah Bridge and Ahsan Manjil and along with the same there was another scene of climbing tree by a beautiful heroine named Hema Malini, who was awfully heavy.
GERAKUL LODGE
It will be less if we compare the silence of Gerakul Lodge with the deadly silence of graveyard. It is natural that where there are four damsels in a house sound of falling comb while combing will be usual. But I doubt if anyone have ever heard the sound even the fall of the comb. When the girls would have been out from their residence then it would appear that the heroines of decade sixty are going to play in the cinema with their unparallel combed oily hair.
I would always have my look at the smooth and clean part of the floor through the front veranda of Gerakul Lodge that could be seen through the space of pardah. Why did I stared to it was not known to me. I could understand it after long time. At that time many things of my life were changed. I was moving through a wrong way and stood at such a station from where the last train from there has already been left and there I am the only passenger there whose only work was to remain waiting the station platform.
The gentleman of Gerakul Lodge would do a small job. May be he was not well paid for which he had made a wooden room on the mettaled floor. He inherited this place from his deceased father. Some persons get something without valid reason and this was like that. There was no credit to get it or not the things could be avoided. Do you have true courage to think small and negligible a person who is lucky and at the same time a foolish?
However we have decided to make a bio-chemical report in small about Gerakul Lodge and at the same time to do biopsy of the persons residing there. But we don't want to have our decision like indecision of the medical science that happens very frequently. Simultaneously a fear is also being contaminated within me. Now a days politics is being entered slowly in our daily life in such way and in all that even we may have politics mixed with the bread without butter and have our breakfast completed. The literature is not also free from this fear. In fact I have not thought to write a story on Gerakul Lodge. Because already I have a fault of frequent moving from one reference to another. At the same time I talk much and at times I move from the original thing to other thing to discuss. Moreover there was abundant possibility to do like this while writing like a sensitive issue like Gerakul Lodge and the thing is almost a dangerous thing. At last while the paper and pen were near the hands so I started writing like a courageous person who has no idea of good and bad. At that time a question sounded in my mind-
- Who has told me to be very much attached with Gerakul Lodge? Is it the reason that the youngest girl of the house looks to you with a little difference and so you have such attraction to write about? I could not help resist lifting up my eyes. I tried to search out who tells a lot while I start to right. But I found none. Everybody in the residence is sleeping and now it is night in the arms of the watch.
I was telling about Gerakul Lodge. The house is situated by the side of the main road. The house is made of wood with shed of tin. The floor is mettaled. It needs to over jump the chowkat to enter. In this room there are four girls, young all and about to get married. I cannot tell that they will not be married. Many are eager but due to unknown reason they are not being advance. The boys of the mahalla are waiting with money under their disposal to decorate the entrance of Gerakul Lodge with flower, tree leaves and different colored items. But nothing is being happened and so the Gerakul Lodge is silent like graveyard. It is silent like cold water of pond with rotten leaves of the winter. No scent comes out from there and at the same time there is no bad smell also.
The housewife of Gerakul Lodge is busy throughout the year with domestic work. I doubt if anybody have seen her going out of the house. No question of me to see her. Though I always set my sight to the space of the pardah to see inside of the Gerakul Lodge without reason. But I have never seen her. In fact it is difficult to understand as to whether there is a housewife in Gerakul Lodge or not. May be she is without physical existence.
Everybody is interested, but what that brings to the life of Gerakul Lodge. As if the residents of Gerakul Lodge see nothing outside. As if there are in this world and not in this world. The girls go out tiptop, returned again, night comes, light dazzles, light out and then long sleep. Naturally it seems that there are living persons in the room. Daytime works are done usually and everybody thinks that the life in Gerakul Lodge is normal. Nothing more to understand. Residents of Gerakul Lodge never talk with other.
Suddenly I become more eager to know about it. When the youngest girl goes then I call and ask, is the life normal? She does not answer. This becomes insulting to me yet, due to unknown reason, I don't feel anything. Everything in Gerakul Lodge is like this and so there is nothing to feel insult.
Day to day my waiting becomes meaningless. I tried with total perseverance, yet the youngest girl does not see me. I think my movement near her is nothing more than an insect moving in front of her. None take care of these little things and day-to-day poverty falls upon Gerakul Lodge. But it is with so slow motion that to understand the change a machine will be necessary. Due to over age the man gets bed and the girls like before remaining silent. The wall of their house slowly diminishes and remains standing decaying bank of the ocean. All more or less knows this change. But everybody has own business. Who has enough time to see the wood made Gerakul Lodge and its residents?
I am also being a person of more age and get married. I have had my own children. Oily floor of Gerakul Lodge becomes uneven with slow decaying. The youngest girl is not seen as before. Discussion is being held about marriage of the third girls of Gerakul Lodge. But this is being happened with a very slow motion. Now there is none to think over these matters. Gerakul Lodge remains in silence of prison.
My son this year is being gone to the college. I am not very worried about him. He is modern and tiptop. He looks to the beautiful dazzling damsels and the girls are in the same way. So could be a bit relieved off from worry. I have left him with his own freedom.
He goes to the college for some days and slowly he starts to be a different. I asked him about any problem. Why are you seemed to be worried? He answered without seeing to me-
- Nothing, Dad. I am all right.
I marked him seeing the uneven floor of front veranda of Gerakul Lodge. If the pardah moves then a little can be seen there.
PHONE NUMBER OF THE HEAVEN
May be Saber Ali suffering from insanity. He is searching a phone number everywhere in the residence. His wife with age more than eighty and with cataract in the eyes when asked with her harsh voice -
- What you are searching? Then annoyance of Saber Ali raised in the peak. The sound of the world, which is the most unbearable and annoying to him, is the voice of his wife. Saber Ali can hear the song of the most intolerable voice of the man for hours together, but he cannot hear the voice of his wife at all. If this would have been possible then he would commit suicide long before to get relief from this voice, but he can not do it and left the decision as it was a sin and cowardice. For this reason he has been living for the last sixty three years bearing this annoying voice. When he married then the age of his wife was eighteen years and now Sabera Begum has attained the age of eighty one.
Only the reason to select her for marriage was the similarity of their name. But in exception of the similarity in the name he was unable to find out any other similarity in life with his wife. This was not supposed to be available. Saber Ali comes of an aristocrat family. He is a man of generosity. His forefathers had some small type of landlord attitude. He studied abroad. Once he had desire to be wise economist. But due to unknown reason his desire was not fulfilled. But he has not been failed at all. He could be a big officer of the government. He was a powerful officer. Many years before he has obtained retirement. Now he sleeps sitting in the veranda.
Saber Ali is a good singer. He has done some small programs also and those were praised with big hands. This was the matter of his youth. In the young age men have courage to do many things. Youth is the best period of life.
Saber Ali was always conscious about health. He goes out to walk in the morning throughout the year, irrespective of winter or summer. After retirement he became unwilling to like anything. He moved himself out of sight of the men. Now he remains sitting in the easy chair and starts drowse. In this way restlessness appears in him. This is not seemed to be normal. He himself is also becomes unable to understand the condition. This is not easy to remain sitting on the easy chair for long thirty years. It is not a matter of joke. But he feels self-satisfaction for this as he can do this. This is the thing that expresses his abnormality.
His abnormality first comes to the knowledge of their maidservant Farida. However Farida understanding something goes to Saber Ali. With a strong sensation, fear and dazzling eyes she tells in her harsh voice to Sabera Begum -
- Uncle seems to be a mad. He is whispering and telling something.
Sabrea Begum does not care for this with the information given by Farida. She slowly answered - An aged man does many things. You need not worry. Do your own work.
Farida goes to her work, but cannot be attentive. She always thinks that whether the uncle has become mad. She looks to the veranda during leisure of the work. She feels the condition of Mr. Saber to be unchanged. Farida becomes afraid. There is reason behind being afraid by Farida. She is more worried about her marriage rather than being worried about uncle. Uncle is an old man. He may be mad. But if the uncle becomes mad then who will arrange her marriage? After only one moth she is supposed to be married. The bridegroom is selected already. He is driver Kader, residing in the nearby house. Kader is a good boy, always joyous, but he steals some oil of the vehicle and sometimes he arranged additional work using the car.
He has no much demand in marriage. His parents only want some ornaments and some functions in the marriage. If her uncle becomes mad then it will be a disaster for her even more than the worst situation. They do not like Farida as a whole. If they get any good chance then they will get Kader married in somewhere else.
Farida becomes showered in tears. This situation makes her heart break. What will be her condition at last? Was this in her luck! The house where she passed her life up to youth, gave all her attention to work for them and all thoughts are related to them and now if the main person of that house becomes mad then what will be her condition? Farida had a doubt since some days before as her uncle lessen the talk with her. She cries now with sound suddenly. There is none to hear her cry and sorrow.
Mr. Saber is grumbling like an evil affected man. Yet Farida goes to him and stands by his side. With utter surprise of Farida he stares to her and smiled. Farida also with fear smiled to her and again with her most surprise Mr. Saber asked her-
- Can you say the phone number of the heaven?
Farida became astonished. She does not understand as to what will be the answer. She removes her from him. She became sure that her uncle has become really mad.
Day after day the condition of Saber Ali started to be worse than ever. His wife is not at all careful to this. She remains in her dark room throughout the day. Necessity of her is also very less. Farida now does not see any light of hope for her life.
One day Farida marked that Saber Ali is became out of the room and started going somewhere. Leaving her own work at hand she also started to go behind him. She keeps a safe distance from him so that Saber Ali cannot understand her presence. Farida became surprised to see that he purchased a packet of cigarettes, a matchbox from the shop of the turning point. Farida knows well that her uncle has no addiction of smoking. Not even she has seen him to smoke out of fancy. She became utterly surprised to see the activity of her uncle. She feels seriously to run to his uncle and stop him. But she stopped herself, as her uncle will be annoyed with her if he can understand.
Farida continues following her uncle. After going a little far from the shop he entered into a phone fax shop. Farida remained observing as to see what her uncle does. When Saber Ali asked the shopkeeper to tell the phone number of the heaven then shopkeeper became wobble. He laughed a little and asked-
- Sir, are you making fun with me?
- Why shall I make fun? The clear answer of Saber Ali.
- Sir, there is no phone number of the heaven. You are making wrong.
- But there is. It was with me, but lost somewhere. I am searching, but not finding it. If you have then give it to me and if not then you will not give. But don't make any audacity. I am very much in need of the number.
- Sorry, sir. I have no phone number with me.
- All right. A straightforward answer like a gentleman. Thanks to you. I don't like any intricacy.
Saber Ali came out trembling. Suddenly rain started. Farida came forward and caught hand. First slow rain and then it became torrential. They walked to the residence. Farida was unable to sleep at that night. While lying on the bed she thinks as to where phone number of the heaven can be found. At last while it is dawn the she could come to a solution. She does not share this to anybody. Then she had her head an abundant want of sleep.
Next day Farida went to the shop and purchased a new mobile and came to residence. She handed over the phone number to her uncle and told-
- Uncle, phone number of the heaven has been obtained. You can call over the phone and you will be able to talk.
Saber Ali took the mobile in his hand. Farida came to her bedroom pushing buttons. New mobile of Farida rings. Saber Ali being so eager asked-
- Is it the phone number of heaven?
From other side the sound of Farida came-
- Yes, this is the phone number of heaven. You are welcome. Tell me which you want to tell.
He became more eager hearing the answer and told-
- Is it possible to arrange a good seat for me?
- Yes, it is possible. Farida answered.
- And hear me. If my wife tells about any seat then tell her that there are no more seats in the heaven. The last seat has already been booked.
- Well, sir. No booking shall be given to her. We shall mark it.
- It's all right. Thank you.
- Thanks for you also for giving this booking. But from the side of the heaven there is a request to you.
- What is the request?
- A girl named Farida lives with you. This seat is given to you canceling her seat. For this you will pay one lac Taka for the purpose of her marriage. We shall consider this as the price of your seat. Have you any objection?
- No. I have no objection. I shall give her a cheque.
- Not any cheque. You will pay in cash. It will be problem for the innocent girl to draw amount from the bank.
- All right. There is cash money in hands. I shall give her from this fund. Now I keep stop.
- It's OK. And hear me now. Don't call in the phone number of heaven again. It will be the cause of cancellation of your booking if you call for the second time. This will be punishment.
- All right. I shall not phone again.
- Then, torn out the paper with phone number.
Farida hears the sound of torn out the paper and then she keeps the phone in her hand slowly.
Kader and Farida are in the bed. It is torrential rain outside. Suddenly Farida can remember the happenings of that night. The night when her uncle went outside the residence and Farida followed her there was heavy rain while they returned. At first small but at last it was torrential. It was like the night of today.
After one week of that night her uncle died and the aunt died just after one week. There was an unnatural similarity of their death as was the similarity in names.
ONCE I LOVED HELEN
Helen works in a garments company. I am a bus conductor. We live in the same slum area. We are directly in happiness and sorrow both of us for our living side-by-side residence. But we never talked each other in respect of our context of lives. This is because Helen is married and I also. Though Helen does not say anything about her yet I am aware of her life from the discussion of others. The family of Helen lives in the village. The family faces scarcity with a number of her brothers and sisters. Out of this situation she comes to Dhaka for want of an employment. An employment is also arranged in a garments company. Days passed. Jamal Bhai came into contact with her as a result of work together. Thereafter marriage and leading a family life. She was good in education. She is SSC in science group. I respect her for this, but remain in far. She does not know anything about this.
My story of life is not very enchanting. I was a street boy, became introduced with senior and after some time a bus conductor. I have no mentionable relation of my own in this world. A distant relation aunt I have and she comes to me sometimes. I don't know actual relation of my father and mother. Many men tell many things about them. I hear and pass away from my mind. After introduction with Malatilata we were for some days in attachment, then a very simple arrangement of marriage and more to it very simple domestic life.
On the day of my duty I moved out from my living place in the early morning. When I return then it becomes deep night. Then only one person remains sitting in front of the door and she is Helen. I know she remains sitting for none, not for me at all. She does not sleep well. She remains sitting alone under the open sky up to deep of the night. When she goes then she heaved big breathe. All the achievements and no achievements of life mixes with this deep breathe and the distress goes to the air. I wish much to ask about this, but I can never do it. If my wife knows then there will be disaster.
The way I lived my early life was not helpful to be good. But in spite of my last endeavor I could not be a bad boy. I started smoking, but for piercing in the throat I left it. I started drinking, but did not feel well. In my line many of us take heroine to forget the lapse of life. I had no such sorrow. I was not able to find the reason to take heroine. At last without any valid reason I remained a good boy. Of course there was no meaning of remaining such good boy. No charm remains in life. Life without any diversity sometimes appears to be a gray color camel without fur. I saw the dream of colorful life, like anything light and colorful. Very smooth and fine.
It is about two months that I came here. I have not talked with Helen yet. It needs some reason to talk. There was no such reason. I am not habituated to talk shamelessly without reason, not even so shameless to find a reason anyway. So I had no talk yet with Helen. But a very deep hope sometimes moves me. Some day will come when I shall talk with her. Men live with hope.
After hard work throughout the day I come to residence, get fresh after getting bath. I take my meal and then sitting in the veranda I smoke and make accounts of life. I have no abundant dream. A little colorful life like light wind of the evening and feather of bird. Then I think very much to float in the air. I wish to sit by the side of Helen and talk with her. But I cannot do that. My wife after completing her work comes to me and we go to sleep. The full moon then spreads light in the nature. Helen is sitting in front of her door of the small room alone. Her husband is then in deep sleep inside the room. Since we live side-by-side we hear the sound of breathe each other. This is the only consolation of life.
On one break day I came to the residence after loitering outside and found a very noisy situation. My wife Malatilata told me that Jamal Bhai has been an accident while he was going to his village home. Helen was crying very much. There was none to take her there to the place. I wished very much to tell that I could take her. But out of fear of Malatilata I could not tell anything like that. I also wished to tell something with Helen. But I could not find out as to what to tell. I was never been learnt to talk in such disaster. In fact many things remain out of our learning. The world is an education place which is not complete.
Malatilata at last made a solution of the problem. She searched it out. She came to me and requested to take Helen to the place of accident. I was wishing like that, as if in spite of unwillingness I became agreed. Within a short time we went out. We started going in the same rickshaw sitting side by side. Only the necessary matter we talked in the rickshaw. We did not talk much. Without any call to each other we talked. In fact I can't remember the topics on which we talked first. I cannot tell which one of us talked first. The matter was held without our full sense. This was my first meaningful travel in my life. All other travels of my life were negligible to me on that day.
We reached the hospital where Jamal Bhai was kept while it was midnight. He was senseless then. Helen remained sitting on his bed near his head. Tears were coming out of her eyes. I was seeing the sad moment without any feelings. I could not understand whether I should lament for this or not. I stood there for long time and then came to veranda. It was full moon then. The dazzling moon was floating in the sky. I wished very much to fly. It would have been nice if men could fly.
Night became late. I don't know why my hunger and thirst were out of me. Moreover different type of gloominess has rushed upon me. In fact I cannot tell that I was in rest and at the same time it cannot be told that I was restless. Practically I was in the line of thin border of life and death, on which a diminishing dot gradually been wiped out to the endless destination. Suddenly Helen came and stood by my side. I did not become surprise much. This was the first time that Helen directly told me something clearly. With clear voice she asked me -
- Will you eat something? I think you are very much hungry.
I answered-
- Will you eat? I am bringing some food.
- Nothing much. Yet something will have to be taken. We shall have to be here all the night. There is no space here to sleep. Doctor is unable to tell when sense of your brother will come.
- Let me go. If I can arrange something.
I came out of the hospital. I don't know what will be available here. I searched and found a shop of bread and banana. I purchased something from there to eat at night and in the morning. I have never dreamt of such simple arrangement in my life first.
I wished to eat Chinese with Helen. But now it is only bread and banana. Men cannot understand the unlimitedness of the creator and I am, a conductor, negligible than cockroach.
Under the abundant white moonlight, a gloomy night though was very negligible to endless period of this universe but in that night I was feeling within me a heavenly sorrow. I thought that if the night is prolonged endlessly then I should have to take decision like death. In fact then I wanted a dazzling light. After this restless night we two shall walk on the first light of the day with bare foot. Then Jamal Bhai might have to die. But I don't want his death. The innocent man he is. Let him be survived.
Never any night is endless. No day also is endless. In the dawn Jamal Bhai came to sense. Helen came to the veranda, informed me that and went to the room. I walked slowly to his bed and stood at the side of the bed. He became surprised to see me. He burst into cry. Tears came out endlessly. I also cried truly. At the end of that melancholy night some dried stone pieces of the hospital floor became wet with the tears of a very negligible conductor. When dawn light appeared then I became ready to go. Being ready was nothing mentionable. It was only a mental preparation. In fact I should have gone from there. I gave some money to Helen and came out to the road. Throwing two persons in hands of luck when I was going then I thought that the world is actually like this. None can bear the load of sorrows of others for long time. I was also being unable. I am not out of this count. However the news of accident of Jamal Bhai meanwhile reached to his relations and they are coming to the place.
After reaching Dhaka I felt my body a little light. It was like that something has been lost and this was feeling of no attraction to anything. I was not being unable to find out the problem in me. I don't believe in love. I believe in time and in practicality. I depend on necessity. I fulfilled my demand. I dream to float in the air. I want to fly. I am a bit selfish in type. In fact my honesty is my selfishness. I have no mentionable desire in life. I give so much I can give and if unable I move from there. I have never felt any greed in me. I am never been much attacked with not getting the desired.
Jamal Bhai became recovered and returned. Helen goes to her own way of life. She takes hand of disabled Jamal Bhai and goes to the work place. I saw it. I like it much. My own sorrow becomes more negligible. I laugh an absent-minded laugh. The world is a peculiar place. Everything happens here.
One day suddenly Helen came to my residence. I was smoking. I hide it seeing her. She mentioned me telling-
- Can I sit here for a moment?
- Yes. Why not. No permission is needed to sit. Where is Jamal Bhai?
- Gone to a friend's house. I was feeling lonely. So I came here to talk with you.
- But before that I tell you something. I like you. It is not safe to talk much with me.
- I know.
- How could you?
- The girls can understand many things.
- Is it? I did not know that the girls know so much. If I would know then I would not like for fear of being identified.
- Nothing to fear. But no hope there is. I never see any dream connecting to you.
- But you like me.
- I don't know. Here you see some water (she pointed to the water jug). This is comprised of two things. One is oxygen and another is hydrogen and when they mix then it becomes water. But there are some conditions. It needs proper heat and proper pressure and also a proper environment and then water will be formed. In the language of science water is written as H2O. In one side H and in another side O and in the middle 2. I am the H and you are O. If we were two then it would be good. But there is a 2 in the middle. This two is the two partners of our life. I think you have understood.
- Yes I could.
- Then let me go.
- Come again.
In this way the day passed and night comes. Complying the rules of the world there comes the dark and there comes the full moon with abundant light. Everything goes in its own way. In my head there is the story of water and love. I started to believe in love. Love is a matter of belief.
Then it was the rainy season. Sudden rain was abundant. One day it was a heavy shower. I saw Helen coming. I remembered that story of water and love. I plucked a green leaf from the side of the road and spread it by two hands. Within a short time the middle of the leaf filled in with the water from the sky. By this time Helen came in front of me. She had no umbrella and she was showered with rainwater. I advanced the clean water of the leaf towards her. A little sweet smile appeared in the corner of lips of Helen.
DEER IN SHOWER
In a certain morning during rainy season suddenly I became very much overwhelmed to go to the zoo. Not that I am a renowned animal lover. Yet I feel much to go there sometimes. Though everything there is man made, artificial things, yet going out from the crowd of this busy city and staying for sometimes with the animals in the cage is amazing to me. So I go there. This outskirts of the city, the small man made kingdom of animals becomes for some times at least, a delighting and enjoyable place for me. My arrival on that day also because of the same thing. Not to tell about like or dislike I feel contentment when I remain there.
It can not be told that the day was very cloudy and the sky was full of rain. Rather it can be told that the sky was almost clear in spite of being the time rainy. The wind was a little cold. The leaves of the tree were slowly trembling with blowing gentle breeze. In spite of all those things I was a bit restless and felt some unworthiness in mind. There was a cause behind it I know. I have fallen in love with a girl and the thing much more was that I had no opportunity to tell it to her. Naturally my inner feelings were restless. I was trying my level best to take normal breath, but I was not being able. I was rather feeling that am an inexperienced labor of a factory full of smoke, breathing of whom is being stopped for remaining such a place. But the fact was that the sky was clear, the air was fresh and clean. But we can not avoid the inner feeling and that is the main thing of life. The out world very seldom can touch it.
I entered the zoo, but did not care to stand by the side of any cage. Rather I felt well to proceed to the backside of the zoo and I went there walking. I thought the side would be a beat free from crowd, at least little than the front side area. Basically the main gate and the nearby area are like a place of always crowd, which can't be avoided.
I felt well while walking. I did not see anything new by my side while I was going in front and mildly staring to things. Some new animals have been added in the zoo and the mummy of a giraffe. I could find that died some days before. Meaningless! These are the changes I could find. At times I arrived to the last end of the zoo. The place was lonely. I sat on the grass very slowly.
The loneliness has its own effect. It will awake the man inside you. The sound horrible which is unable to awake the inside man in the crowd of the town can easily and unavailingly do the same work when a man remains in a lonely place. Just at that moment the pages of register of life incomplete will appear in front of your eyes. You will find there abundant accounts of life not yet completed and at the same time number of small well and woes of life will appear with wide open mouth and those will help you to look at a gloomy lotus leave for hours together without any account of time. I did the same thing. I brought out the mix of life from within me and concentrating upon them I passed several hours. During this time I felt once a little hungry. I felt to leave the fetish belly of the city life for a moment vacant and this will be rest to it. It is rather good here to be lost in the region of thoughts.
The sky yet was clear with no sign of cloud. In the light bound clear environment and with a little play of shade and sun the place became more amazing. I was enjoying really. Suddenly one or two small fishes were jumping on the water. I thought this to play of them. I laughed a meaningless laugh seeing it. What's that? Anybody can laugh.
I could not continue to enjoy this loneliness as a number of boys and girls arrived there and sitting a little distance from me they started chatting. They were telling so much that I had been broken in my thoughts. But due to unknown reason I could not be annoyed with it. They were five or six in number. The girls and boys were equal. They were also talking on their well and woes of life, attachments, love and all those many things. I marked that girl was staring to me again and again. She was nice looking. The boys with them were all healthy in exception of one. He was short having ill health. But appeared to be very smart. That very boy was the mate of the gloomy nice girl and that gloomy girl was staring to me again and again without knowledge of others. I marked it but pretended to be not very much important to me. In fact she was able to attract me to her.
They stayed there for long time. They ate nuts and chatted. The ill health young man with his less costly mobile having weak camera photographed the girl. The girl seemed to be not very happy for this. The boy could understand the dissatisfaction and gave hope to purchase a new costly camera. But that also appeared not to very effective for the girl. It appeared seeing the boy that his financial condition is not very good. May be the boy has given such hope many times to the girl meanwhile.
Suddenly they woke up and went away. I could not understand whether their going was delightful to me or not. But I did not feel easy. While they went the girl with her gloomy face stared to me again and again. Her slim figure was just started to be swinging before my eyes like a curtain. I became a bit bewildered. I felt her eyes were to say something to me.
I remained there for sometime more meaninglessly. May be this was a silent bath in small pond of love or to search out myself in the water parts to make me fit for the urban life. These types of places always make a man different and disordered. It appears to oneself like a robot with separating parts. To go ahead of life again it will be needed to arrange well.
Suddenly I felt not to remain sitting there any more. No attraction further became able to keep my eyes attached with the place. I woke up. The body particularly the two foots appeared to be heavy. May be this is sudden idleness. However without thinking much I woke up hurriedly. I thought to pass some time with the animals of the zoo. The hippopotamus is remaining in the water secretly and only the hole of the nose is appearing.
I became surprised to see the sky. I was unable to understand the cloud has been widened throughout the sky slowly. But I did not feel any hurry within me. In fact today is for me and for my idleness. I had no work today and it was willfully avoided. If there is rain let it be. If I do not be showered then at least I shall be able to see it. I can not bath in the rainwater. It makes suffering from fever. This is a peculiar problem.
Within the eye sight of me the rain started. First it was with small drops and then gradually it became more. I have already then near the big cage of the deer. The rain was almost enough and then it became torrential. I did not want to take shelter under any shed due to unknown reason. The deer were also being showered with me. Suddenly I felt that I am not alone. One more is also being showered with me and that one was none but the beautiful girl I have seen a little before.
One day she returned suddenly. I left all hope about her before and may be she also forgot me alike. It is normal. I was never able to give her anything that will help to remember me. But I could not find out any reason to ask about her sudden arrival. The question, rather, appeared to me as a fun. Why she will not be able to come to her own house? I observed her and tried to understand whether she will remain here or not. I could understand the balance probabilities of her going and remaining here is equal. She had very tired eyelids, eyesight is frosty, face is pale, no beauty in hair, lips are dried. When she moves with a measured step then I think myself to be responsible for all these things. I thought myself to be a criminal and then I let down my eye, because, I ...
She stares to me giving with a oblique glance, tries to see understand me from my inside and it becomes easy to me to understand how much her frosty stares are sharp and then in my known surroundings I started to be embarrassed. Sometimes I feel myself to be so helpless that I want to go to her to talk. But without any reason I thought that she would not talk with me. I stop me from doing this.
It is also fact that I saw her with oblique glance. But it does not create any effect upon her. As if she an orator before millions of audiences, as normal as a free minded artist before the camera and then I stuck up a little. I bring down my eyes. How much I can continue to remain like this and at times I started feeling bewildered.
She does not care for that. She remains in her own way. I also try to accept the situation. Because at this right moment I could find no alternative. I doubt she can laugh and even I doubt she can have tears in eyes. She appears to be an inanimate matter and her eyesights are the only proof of her being a living thing. If this would not have been then I would consider her to be without body and may be with my last ability I escape away from this place.
While going out for work I gave an oblique glance to her and I understand that she is also marking my going out. I stared at her and expected to be both having straight look each other. But she avoided this very easily. With no attachment we both gave good-bye to each other. But it is true that it entered to heart and emotion and soundless support cared with body. When I was in the way then suddenly I felt myself meaningless, with no value. I remained standing for a while without any reason. As if this is not against the will, but killing time with no specific aim.
This may not be termed as meaningless and at the same time no reason exists there. I could not understand my arrival to the office remaining in deep thought. This is the first time I felt my office room lifeless. It appeared before me as a very undesired place, having no comfort. The room is since long of my own and now at a moment it became undesired and lifeless. I thought when I shall be in the office I shall get my sense and emotion as before. But it is like disappearance of the colorful evening. I don't no the reason as to why I felt that I have left myself at the home and that is to her. This is the first time I felt the attachment of heart with her. I thought that the blood circulation system to the both of our bodies is from one heart and the same lungs are for two and both of us have only one pair of eyes. I felt myself very much bewildered and again and again I wanted to run out from the office room to go to her. But for the reason not known to me it was not being possible. My respiration was being stopped with a strong pressure of hands of anybody not known and I drank the whole glass of water kept beside me.
When I came out from the office I ran to my residence. I was so eager to see her that I thought the passers-by all know my desire and very soon this will be news and will spread throughout the town. Yet I ran to the residence and decided to talk with her.
After arrival I went to the upper through staircase hurriedly. I did not remember the advice of the doctor. The doctors and seniors of my office were all no factor to me then. I went to the door of the room where she resides. She was being seen through the thin curtain and yet I removed the curtain with two hands and then bowing forward a little I could see her from the door. I could find her nothing than the portrait of the soul.
I was staring with no stop to her. I could not understand how much solar years by this time passed and when I could come to sense then her eyes were generous and I am nothing but a criminal. I tried to escape.
When I went to my room then I apprehend somebody came here before. I was staring my eyes round the room as an observer standing on the floor and I was able to find out some disparities. I am not telling anything about ugly but it was not consistent as before. Particularly the books on the table, those she tried to arrange very carefully but she was not able to suppress the radical changes.
The place she used in my bed to sit has been sharply arranged to keep it in its original shape, but that could be detected. When I opened my drawer then I could easily understand that she has had my diary in her hands. I could laugh a helpless laugh. So hurriedly I forgave her that in that sudden moment it was not possible to make any little change in the solar system. I felt earnest desire to see her for a moment again and at that moment a photograph fell from the diary on the floor. I took it and stared to it without break. This is a photograph of her early age. So superb! I thought I have never seen such a sacred face in my life.
I kept the photo in the same place as before. So that if she wants to take it back then she might not require much strain to find out. I felt that she has not given this to me as a gift or presentation. May be this is only to see. May be it is very dear to her and at the same time she wants to show me and not is impossible that she has only one of this. In the dining table the arrangement of today could make a sense of image of care in spite of utmost try to escape the same.
I laid down on my bed for rest. I felt myself like a feather without weight. My constant eyes remained hanging with the roof like the net of the spider.
In the deep of the night I wake up for feeling a touch on my body. A very soft touch near the foot. As soon as I moved she fled away like a fairy hurriedly. I wake up and sat on the bed. I wished to go to her room and give her consolation and also I inform that I have not become annoyed. But I stopped myself then and then. May be it may be more undesirable. She may also be annoyed for this. If she wants to hide anything then I should give her opportunity to do so. It is also a question of formality. Again I laid down on the bed. The sky of the night appeared in my eyes in the imagination and I could find three stars out of enumerable stars in the sky. One is very recent and so soft yet and week, helpless. The remaining two stars are surrounding the new once. Suddenly cloud came from somewhere and the rapacious open wide mouth swallowed the stars and they still are searching in the deep of the cloud.
In the morning no face-to-face appearance happened. Very carefully she kept herself hidden and also I gave her the opportunity. Very carefully I completed all my morning works and set out for the office. When I was in the road then bunch of gentle breeze touched my heart and that gave me abundant comfort to me.
I entered the office with the mind that in some way shall complete my office hour and shall come out. I was so busy with my work that on completion of the work I shall get leave. My old room mate worker laughed at me and told
- So, what Mr. Zamil. To day you seemed to be more delightful than other days.
- I laughed with my full pleasure hearing him and he took my laugh as my answer and he also laughed a little.
After coming out of the office I directly proceed towards a shop. I purchased many presentations for her according to my choice. All the bags in my hands were full of presentation items. I purchased a beautiful card and on it I could write only one sentence. Then I set the card in a bunch of flowers and proceeded to the residence.
Immediately after entering the house I went to her room, but she was not there. I was shocked in my heart and then I went to my room.
There was none in this room also. Then where she went? Suddenly I saw a paper on the table under the weight. I left the bag on the floor and took the paper in my hand. There was a little letter.
Father,
I came to know only whether my mother made any mistake or not. I have known which I needed to know. I love you dad.
Yours affectionate
Neela
I cried shouting the name Neela and that cry like roar of the ocean came out of my heart rapaciously and breaking my ribs it went out. I surrendered to my luck like an innocent child. This is the first time I forgot myself. But when her mother went taking her then I was cool and constantly static. But what happened today!
A shadow figure came out of the curtain. That idol portrait once only called with wet voice, Dad!
And then came to embrace me like unparallel speed. Embraced her strongly in my chest with two hands. I could feel that today I have become able to get my heart in my two hands. I lost all sense. Neela is continuously crying. Again and again I only told the words I wrote in the card-
- 'I love you my dear girl.'
JALMAHAL
In a depressed morning the young man Proshanta decided to commit suicide. He went to a nearby pharmacy, purchased five packets of sleeping pills, came to his room and shut down the weak door. Though his residence is in the market place, surprisingly a silence always exists there and at this silent moment he became able to take most of the sleeping pills. Prtoshanta lost his sense being not known to anybody. But this was his ill fate that he was unable to die. Some of his known persons searched him without any reason but found him senseless. All the persons together brought him out of the room and took to the open wide road. He was showered with water and slowly he came to his sense. Some of them made him walking. Proshanta walks with them with trembling foot. They had only one thing to do and it was that Proshanta would not be allowed to sleep. If once he got sleep then he will never back from the world of sleep. Though Proshanta was not willing to live but all became successful to keep him in sense. May not be all but many people knew the meaninglessness of his coming to sense. Those who knew the truth also tried to bring him in sense with an illusive attention. They knew that bringing him in the sense is fruitless. In fact Proshanta should have his death. But avoiding all such odds he came to life like a shameless. It was not better to some of them. They whisper that he ought to die. Why he became stopped from the death? Is there any reason to live like a shameless?
Day comes and day passes.
Night comes and the night also passes.
Spring of the river Baleswar flows with the way of time.
Proshanta became a living man very slowly.
Live proceeds with the way of life. In fact nothing remains stopped and this is normal. The incidence of committing suicide of Proshata became elapsed slowly from the minds of the people; new incidence became prominent in their minds. But for unknown reason this story of trying to commit suicide by Proshanta remains living in my mind like thorn. Why Proshanta wanted to die?
Parents of Proshanta were killed by the Pakistani soldiers and it was definite that behind this killing the Rajakars had the active hands. Proshanta was some how able to escape with his minor sister keeping her in his lap. Whichever it is. This was a common thing and many of the people had same experience in their lives. Many Proshanta like him moves around us with no voice in mouth. We have not been able to get relief from the evil shadow of these Proshanta even after forty years of liberation. We were unable to be relieved because peoples like Proshanta are not died willingly or someone would not kill them by searching. The most surprising thing is that being the sign of our minimum respect to freedom fighting, the Proshantas are remaining in this country as the most undesired persons in the world. Though Proshantas do not want to survive their soul does not want to leave this illusive world. Proshanta in spite of all remains living in the world. Though they don't want yet they survive and Proshanta also remain living in such situation. Actually he is not allowed to leave this world. All the Proshantas survive again and again to see the loss of chastity of their sisters. It is not easy for him to die.
The little sister with whom he escaped at the time of war lives on the other side of the market. No other lives there. There is only one house in the home where only two girls live. One is the sister of proshanta and another is the friend of his sister. A very little household of two beings. Proshanta does not live there because of two reasons. One is that there lives another girl and other is not to tell right now. Proshanta goes there to see his sister. She is doing well some how. But Proshanta has a sorrow in his mind. In this rural market he has no sources of income. He has lands but lost during the war. He has nothing in true sense. He has some students of lower classes to teach and this is his only source of income. He lives on this little earnings. Sometimes he does not have food to eat. There are many problems of being a Hindu in any Muslim community. He cannot get food in any Muslim's house. Very small number of Hindu residents there.
Yet Proshanta was not very bad in spite of all those odds. He felt more delightful when he came to know that the Babu of the Jalmahal has taken the responsibility of education of his sister. He thought it to be a good way of his sister. That man arranged to live his sister in a house. He gave thanks in silence to this man. He walks and thinks the man is so generous.
Jalmahal is the family residence of the most influential family of this region. It's a beautiful building and the name is Jalmahal. All the development in this area is for the generosity of Jalmahal starting from the settlement. But everybody does not believe this. They have become established through leadership in the area and most of the development has been done for their own welfare. Yet the people are happy as for their sympathy the area has got light, may be it is the light of education or electrical light. In the year of nineteen seventy one they were in support of Pakistan and so they were benefited. They occupied Land and other properties of local persons. Many innocent people and freedom fighters were killed. But that luxury and wealth have not been lessen a little for those reasons. Their influence was never hampered. They wiped out the black span of life with their influence. Within a very little period Jalmahal reached the peak of its position. Those who are rich in combination of wealth and men they become glorious in this way. They live always in light either it is war, tide, flood or drought. They control the fate of others. Jalmahal so day by day has become the seat of the area.
Proshanta does not care for that. He was never attached to politics and never attentive to religion. In fact the complex things like politics and religion do not enter his head. He is good in mathematics of class nine and ten level. Science is also attractive and he understands well. But the good student in the school is dumb, blind and for nothing survives in this world. This is the way to be remained well. Proshanta tries to remain good with his ear and eyes closed.
In this so-called good life of wear and tear some times he becomes so gloomy with a hearing in the air. Very secretly the news comes to him and he also hears very secretly. He fears to hear anything in this area of land and residents. May be only for hearing this, he might face the death. He is unable to understand the bad and bad in his little span of life and this is normal to him. Though he has a backbone he lives like a man who has no backbone. He appears to be a man with a back bone in fact his backbone is hollow. This is full of air. If a small hit comes then it will be without air. The balloon named Proshanta will be wiped out of sight within a moment and this is his fear.
Some one gives this news to him very secretly and the news is unexpected. But after hearing the news he becomes frozen. He then thinks himself to be a cold sniper. But if he had been a snake that would be good. The snake has venom, but Proshanta is not like that. He is an invertebrate like earthworm.
Proshanta decided that he would ask about this to his sister. He thinks that if he asks anybody then that may also be dangerous for him. Proshanta expects in mind that his sister's answer will be negative. If so then he will be able to live in this world for more some days with peace.
Proshanta went to his sister's house, sat in the waiting room and he appears to be a dried faced man. His sister becomes afraid without any reason. Very slowly she asks:
- Are you not well?
- No. I am good.
- Then why are you looking so?
- How it is?
- Not to explain.
- That's nothing. It's all right.
- Hear me. I shall ask you a question and you will not tell any body what I shall ask you. Not even to your friend.
- Ok. It is all right. What is it? Tell me.
- Is the Babu of Jalmahal comes to you by night to remain in bed.
Deepa bowed her head. She does not answer. Proshanta saw with low eyes that drops of water is coming down from the eyes of Deepa.
Prosanta understands what to understand. With his utmost endeavor he lifts his body from the ground and steps forward to go. After a while he tells, do you know, during the war, they killed our parents.
Proshanta feels very hard sorrow to tell like this. He does not tell more. In his eyes the sacred most water is playing. The best part of affection to a sister from a brother left in the verandah of her house. May be his sister understands a little. Because this brother of her has always kept her under care.
With an unknown fear the mind of Deepa fills. But she is unable to tell. She has left everything to the fate. A weak has nothing more than the luck.
Then Proshanta finds no meaning to live in this world. He wanted all the medicine to eat. But after eating three packets he sleeps and after that he does not know anything.
His soul sees only to the lap of Deepa where the innocent head of Proshanta like Jesus stopped forever.
THE SOLDIER
I saw him going through the front road of my house after many days. That known face, not changed any little. For a number of days he was not seen here. I heard he was in a war. To tell the truth I always prayed that he might not return from the war. On the other hand, I think, he could so far understood my desire and in a very good position he came back. He has not even any strain of war on his face; rather he appeared as if he has returned just after completion of his honeymoon with new bride. He was not laughing, of course, but had a peace in his face. I was in a position to think that he is so happy for seeing my wife. I was very happy to understand that I was able to understand his mind. But I did not leave him to tell in mind that...
- Hi, brother, whichever you think I am not giving you any opportunity. Whichever it might be no husband will be willing to share his wife with others. May be somebody will give and I shall consider him to be totally son of a bitch. This is so humiliating that it is just having kisses by a man to the buttock of another man. I believe it with my heart and mind. I am not of that kind, of course. You will not get my wife again.
When I was murmuring all these words then my wife Laila came to me and stood by my side. With a squeezing brow she asked -
- What you are saying alone for long time? Any problem?
- No. Not anything like that. I was a bit indifferent for a moment. This creates problem sometimes. But you are very beautiful.
I told these to Laila at a stretch, and I found no change in Laila. She remained confirmed in her concept and again asked me-
- I think you had been telling something against somebody, but who is that man?
- None, and no doubt it is related with you.
- But I am sure that you had been telling something about me. I have clearly heard you pronouncing the word 'wife'. I am sure you have not told anything about wife of other.
- What you are telling? Is it fit for me in this age?
- Then why you are not telling me the thing clearly?
- Leave this account. Please give me a glass of sweet drink. So hot it is and I feel my heart to be dried.
- You fear the soldiers very much.
-Not at all. Besides, where is soldier here? No war in the country in this moment.
- But there is a war in you. You have seen a soldier on the way a little before and then the war has started in you.
- All these are baseless. It is not like that and why I shall be afraid of you.
- I also think like that. You may be without any suspicion. I am now only for you. He will not be able to come near me. I have wiped him out of mind and also can think that I have some hatred to him. He is a coward.
-But he is a soldier and so far I know he is very much brave. He has earned reputation as soldier. Whichever you tell, but he is not a coward. His face does not tell like that.
- Bravery of love is of different in kind; nothing can be compared with this. In many cases the generals are also remain afraid of their wives. On the other hand a victorious general in many wars become afraid of going with love for love making at night. This is true.
I did not spin out long story on it. I advanced my hand to catch Laila, but she moved from the place and told with denial-
- What are you doing now? Is it the time for it? Not at every moment it attracts me. You have no sense of time. Lovemaking also needs a time specifically.
I became pressed down. I could not have courage to go against desire of Laila. Besides, she has already learnt the arrival of the soldier. May be he came to Laila. Understanding my arrival he has gone out walking as a good man. All his intention did not appeared to me good. Again and again he was staring to my residence. I know this type of looking to a particular place. I myself have also once stared to the residence of Afsana like this. I hoped in mind if I can see her once. It happened sometimes. I thought then that I can stand here for decades for Afsana, but it was not possible, as I could be on the angry face of my father and may be my mother also scolded me for this. I forgot Afsana and proceeded hurriedly to residence. Then I was only fourteen and most surprisingly this man of present age could have the mind like this. In fact the man is not good in character. Such type of man becomes serious and able to do anything for their contention; even they can kill any one for this. I doubt the man will kill me. Oh, my God, what sort of thinking I have now. So far I can remember he accepted the relation of us knowing well. If he had any objection he could make problem at that time. Now this cannot happen. Besides, I have no enmity with him. There was a fun also. My name was same to his name and knowing the same he became surprised and delighted. Incidentally he expressed his delight to Laila with a letter. The letter was some how came to my hand and I became delighted not being afraid for knowing his emotion. The words of the letter were also like that and some words I can still remember.
"…Knowing the name of your life partner I have become surprised and at the same time delighted as the names of both are same. I will be able to think throughout life that you are remaining with me. This is not a trifling matter to me."
I did not want to think over his sorrow. I stopped myself from doing this and right at then I felt myself very thirsty and then the sweet drink with hands of Laila came near to my mouth. I drank the glass at one sip and confirmed my happiness with silent laugh and she also did the same.
I think there is no reason to readers not to understand by this time that Laila is my wife. I always review her. She is not extraordinarily beautiful, but attractive and having a well-structured body with all qualities of a damsel. She is a bit lusting and hot. Her lusting body languages always attract me, bewilder me. She makes me calm with her body and at time sent me the world of sleep having my head on her breast. In the morning when I wake up I find her without dress and dazzling youth are expressed with abandon wealth of damsel. I never dare to get attachment of her by this time and if anything happens like that then that will be disastrous to me.
Since I have seen the soldier I do not go out of the residence generally. We have no kid yet, so Laila is alone without me. The neighbours do no generally maintain deep attachment to us always. So it is natural that I have some suspicion in my mind. I always think in mind that the soldier is remaining in ambush in any place near my residence and whenever he will find opportunity he will jump over the prey. His target is Laila and no acute will not doubt over it.
However, all these are my personal thoughts. At the same time I think that there are reasons behind this. Laila is also thinking over the matter and this can be understood reading face. Is the soldier is thinking like this? May be. I consider the person very clever. Besides, he has military training that has given the skill to make his target effectively attack and that will be without fail. I believe in my mind and heart that he can do anything at any time. But I doubt whether he will do this, yet I can't wipe out the thought from the mind.
Laila is keeping me under her observance always. She is looking over my movement. I firmly believe that she expects in her mind that due to any important work I might go to some distant place, or a dramatic situation may come which will make a separation between us for the time being so that she could find opportunity of getting attachment of the soldier. But I have taken decision in my mind that till that person will be moved out from here I shall not leave even the shadow of Laila. I sometimes think to cover Laila with hard materials so that the soldier becomes unable to break the cover with the fire of canon. Then and then the thought appeared to me as fun and I laughed. I cannot avoid the sight of Laila. She became a bit annoyed and told -
-What's up to you, laughing alone, what's the matter with you?
-Nothing. A funny matter came to knowledge and so I laughed. This is not very big thing. This may happen in case of you also.
-I am not an insane that I shall laugh alone. In fact the soldier has made your brain inactive. I advise you to be off from these evil thoughts. After marriage the girls do not think over this any more. Rather their husbands remain in doubt about them without any reason. If you think so extremely then you will be mad.
I don't continue to tell anything. I came out, walk here and there and suddenly I met a friend who gave me a considerable delight in mind. We exchange our well and woe and talked for a while and at times he told me -
-Hi, my dear friend, I have seen the soldier dear to your wife. He returned after many days. He will be here for about a month. Have you seen him?
-No. We have not.
-It's good. But he may meet your wife. So be careful. Love remains alive under any circumstances.
-How it could be? We are doing well for long time.
-Everything is possible in conjugation and war and he is efficient in the both.
My friend went out and again the evil thought came to my head. He has not told anything bad. I should tell in this occasion that my friend is always careful about my interest. He expresses the true with hard words and he likes it. He does not want me to sustain any loss. So his warning for my betterment sets to my head as an octopus. The clouded thought when disappeared a little then I could remember that Laila is alone in the house. I started walking to the residence hurriedly. I wanted to cover the distance through running, but it will be so funny and I decided to walk as much hurry as I can. After arrival I found Laila sitting inside the ward on a tool. She has a woollen sweater that she started sewing recently. She was sewing the end sides of the sweater using the sharp sewing equipment. My arrival on running made her laughing and when I went to her near then she told in a laughing voice and eyes -
-Don't be afraid. The soldier will not kidnap me and if that would have been done then it could be done earlier.
-Right at that time I thought that somebody jumped over the wall to get down and his footsteps sound was clear to me. Laila starred at that and told -
- May be any cat or something like that. No gentleman will flee away using such dirty path. Be steady and sit here. You have become almost tired.
-I sat down with a thud. The sound started came to my ears again and again. But I could not compare the sound whether it is of man or cat. I have no training on it, if would have then it would be effective. Now it is meaningless to think. I could not even find courage to go from Laila and see the same. If it is not correct then her reproach I shall have to bear.
But an undesired situation at last came. A telegram of distant relative being aunt came in this time. My arrival became necessary. But I was not being able to decide to leave Laila alone here. My destination was not easy going for which I could not tell Laila to go with me. At last I decided to bring a relative to live with Laila during my absence. Then I could proceed to some extent peacefully. But throughout the way I could not get relief of thought of Laila and the soldier.
After doing work I returned to the home with plea that Laila is residing alone. Laila, of course, told me to spend the night with my aunt, because a long distance movement of up down will be strenuous for my health. Moreover there will be another person for her. But I could not resist. At about eleven I arrived in front of my residence. While I was going to knock then whispering came from inside the room and I adjusted my ears to hear -
-I still love you.
-I know. But no attachment is possible now.
-You are a coward. You became unable to marry and now getting chance you being unable to avail. He will come next day. This night is for you and me.
-Leave these. Tell something else. How you are doing?
-I want to get you. I have taken big risk of feeding sleeping pill. See, how she is sleeping. Please come near my dear.
-Oh, no. What you are doing? I have not come here to you for this. I have come here to see you from near at a glance. Now you are wife of another man. You are not legal to me.
-I hate you, hate you, and hate you.
Suddenly a sound of being something detached. Possible some metal thing is fallen on the floor at a some distance. Then a search to find out the thing by both of them and whispering at last of not getting the thing. At that time I knocked the door. When the door is opened then it was a deadly silence.
Laila told -
- Have not been tired to return by night? This would have been better to come tomorrow.
- The work is completed and so I returned. Tomorrow shall be used for another purpose.
-Wash your hands and mouth. I am giving dinner.
-Not feeling any desire to eat. I am going to bed. I am very tired.
The body with lust to get attachment of the soldier at last cooled down with my loving touch and then the damsel bring so tired with conjugation lost sense in the sleep. This is the first time I became brave. With a little torch I searched out the little thing. May be he was coming back from any reception party. This was precious medal and that was thrown with the attack of Laila.
I kept the precious thing under my custody. Next day I saw Laila searching something here and there and at a time with great annoyance she told -
- What's a peculiarity? Is it vanished?
-I asked her with false worry -
-What is the thing lost?
-A needle, falls from my hand. Searched much, but could not get, may be it will hurt some time in foot.
I did not continue. After breakfast and wearing an acceptable dress I proceeded with the precious thing. I walked slowly and at times I attended the residence of the soldier. He was afraid seeing me. But it was so hidden that it remained in his heart covered like an unsuccessful revolution. He welcomed me warmly. I told him that he has come back to the country and so I have come to see him. He entertained me carefully. We have talked a lot and I found him friendly. I requested permission to leave and he requested to go again and came up to the door to tell me good-bye. I gave that round figured medal to his hand and told that on the last night you had lost the thing in my residence. I have got it. I think it is precious.
GOLDEN GIRLS OF GOLDEN DAYS
My name is Rupam.
When I was at the age of only five years, then at any cause, suddenly my mother died. I become an orphan. Everybody look at me with depressed and illusive sights. The event was as enjoyable, on the other hand, that was somehow painful. There is a wave of illusive being felt for all. Right then, I was not so adult to understand properly what is death. That is why I considered every one distressed oppositely. But I had been understood at my adulthood, I myself was really sorrowful that day. And all had an affectionate sight for me. Then I felt sever sorrow in order for making that error of the stupid heart. I tired sometimes when in remembrance that scenario. Alas I felt everybody unhappily oppositely. But I was at worst condition leaving mother. But I was not at age to be understood so much event of the world. So I pardoned everybody in minds.
All of these events have been appeared clear when at my adulthood I saw that I have no mother, but everybody has mother. I cried at the second phase. It is very inconvenient. No affection gets going to the school, the time to take meal or preparing lesson or at least going to the bed for sleeping. This is really a great trouble. I try to bring my mother in memory, but can not be visible in my mind.
My father is a very intelligent one. It's true that many men are intelligent. This is not a matter in the line. Suppose, a petty conductor of a Bus, he is also very intelligent. Because of he still sits bringing big note of money at the time of collecting fares. His straight answer, no change to me. I shall pay after being changed. May be, in order for business, many of them forget the words of their notes. Missing in absent minds. They dropped immediately after touching the Bus of Station. And then the said conductor keeps the money inside his under pocket slowly paid by those gentlemen. I myself was a victim for it. I was going to Kakrail by bus from Gulistan in order for not having car with me. I paid him a note of one hundred taka. The conductor told me that, change is not available, when it exists, shall pay. I was sitting helplessly. It reached Kakrail. I dropped. The note of one hundred taka had been kept at hands of conductor. One hundred taka in exchange of two taka. It's not bad I decided then and then, the conductors are also intelligent being. It is good to be thought the event. All are intelligent in respect of religion and color. It is a unified unity at a point. Since birds in case to the cunning share traders, housewives to veteran politicians, professor of physics to garbage collector girls-who has a lacking of a general elements like wisdom. It is good to think the event. The mind gets cheerful.
I, basically, intended to say about the sharp attitude of my father. But in the midst of it, the issue titled wisdom came forward. Because of, may be, I have a lacking of it. But all of these are opinion of my girl friends. It is really a matter of shame, that I have a little which the issue do have everybody.
I, of course, think me wise. Though they get nothing of wisdom to me. They, of course tell always that I am so foolish that I do not feel the little minds of girls. To be stood first in the class is not meant intelligent one. Those are intelligent persons who can make six easily adding two and two. But there is no way to be understood. I do not belong to their group. Because of, there are not a lot in me. I always face loss. And everybody losses me willingly. But I cannot catch the same even. At very immediate past when an unemployed youth demanded to me one thousand taka to buy wears modestly by which he will attend to an interview of a job and I gave him two thousand taka. Many men told me that the guy concerned is a cheat and cheating with people is his practice. He, may be, will take 'Dail (Toxication)' overnight. The 'So called' interview is nothing. Everything is fake. Of course, I did not get meet him after disbursing money. Neither with others. They judged me as a 'final foolish'. I, too, obeyed it without hesitation. I guessed myself like the king who paid money to the unknown person buying house.
But everything has an exception. As everybody ate all the apples dropped from tree since of creation, so the issue of Gravity power was right then undiscovered. A less wise person named 'Newton' not eating apple started reassessing oppositely. He started to think the event of Apple. Why did Apple dropped on the ground rather going to the sky? The theory of Gravitation has been discovered. We have got space transportation.
That toxicator cheat who got my money arrived before me after three months. He is worn a worth dress having neck tie. He conveyed me 'Saalam' and told whether did I identity him? I answered in affirmative rather having astonish. He laughed. Then after he said that he is serving as 'Executive' to a Multinational Company. The remuneration is BDT sixty thousand. It will gradually be increased. He was thinking about his marriage. In order for working pressure. The new job, you know. No leave. The foreign Assignment is in the coming year. The reward is residence and car and many others based on the performance.
Everybody is astonished. Yes to be said. What does the guy says. Everyone engulfed cards just of offering cards by him. Everybody has finished seeing the same before my watching. Really the foreign company. Really the Executive. The youth is at smiling. He told dowing that I convey 'Saalam' once again you 'Vaizan (Elder brother)'. I did not face interview whether not getting money. The job is so far, be died without food. Right now, I do not take 'Dail (Toxication)' / I take 'Scotch'. You never take it. Ascetic people never take it. I told him that I am not a good man. I have given you money meaninglessly. All the Good men say this 'word'. It is proved further that you are a good man. What ever may be the event, the wheels of households have been moving as having a few good persons in the world. The good persons are grease of wheel. Wheels cannot move without grease.
The youth went out. He only uttered the simple before his departure that the respect to your faith is my establishment, please bless me. I, as it were, can face loss believing people. All of you be in good position.
All of them told, Miracle! Nobody told about my forecasting. I, also, has been placed to the list of stupid.
I was supposed to say the story of golden girls. But the unnecessary issues have come forward. Of course, not totally worthless. My girls are hidden within these. They are also within my surroundings and environment. They are not animals of jungle. They cannot fly in the sky. Some of them also swim in water and fly by Aeroplane. But it is the truth that they live at dusts of the earth. So far be modernized, this town and its life, being dragged a few dust touch their white foot-lily of those golden girls, the presence of all Luxurious carpets at their residences prove it. There had no need of carpet whether having no dust. The human being is basically companion of dust.
I, of course, had to tell story of golden girls. But frequently the other issues are coming forward. The other sort of love has got me. The love today is too wet partly. So far a wet feeling. My mind is also wet. I am good enough tonight. And for this, might be, the golden girls have gathered into my feelings. The girls do not came unnecessarily. The arrivals of golden girls have happened at golden times only. I had also intended to tell about keen sights of my father. But I could not be able to reach to the issue.
My father is really a man of keen-sights. Nothing of me avoids his eyes. He tries to see me by his sights and try to understand. He thinks over me and loves me. We, the two have a one life and memory of many words to be paid. That is a long story. I have no intention to make story belong to this story. The reason is only one. I have determined that I shall not be offloaded remembering those memories of my father's endless affections. Because of he has to be fulfilled, the place of that mother in my life in order for not having mother. He has to be brought that responsibility in order for not having sister. That's a long history. A long way to be moved. The little of the history of that long role of my father will be hard to be placed at this small premise of the story of golden girls. The length of a small piece of that, as it were, larger than a Himalaya to me. There is no room keeping him to the story. Yet, if something came belong to the story, then the relevancy of that is not more than seeing back of the giant whale.
However, the golden girls had come at my golden days. It comes to the lives of all adolescents. It also comes to lives of all youths. Again, it comes to the lives of all adults. To speak in truth, it is very common. But I sat to write the story. Might be that was something different.
The golden girls were three in numbers. The name of one is Raihan. The other one is Rebeka. And the last one is Rehena. The three are artistic. Incomparable to appearance and quality. They have not come meaninglessly. I arranged them assorting. The three were close to me. Which is called `friendship'. They have touched me to my deepest area of sensation. But the only exception is that each of them thought me their lover. But the event was never so. One of them was with appearance of my mother. One was like my sister and the other was in line of my aunt. To whom I have been brought up. They did not know nothing about those. Unnecessary they agitated thinking love. I laughed in mind always.
I am not a washed tulshi (a plant) leave. I understand perfectly minds of women. And also understand their trend and action. Some one was over my heart into the seat of lover. But he is none of them. She is a girl fond of my father. He determined it at my very childhood to bring her as wife of his son. Her name is Barsha. She resides in Kolkata with her parents. Barsha who is daughter of my father's friend is not any character of this story. I have another life with her. I shall tell story of Golden Girls of Golden Days only to this story. And they are only three persons.
I imagined Raihan in place of my mother. She was having with that quality. She is affectionate, softhearted and illusive. She looked after every issue of me. Raihan finds out at first my haphazard hairs, tiredness in eyes, poor sleep at night, non-attentive to study and my non-feeding etc. However she placed at my mother's seat. Rebeka was like my aunt. She was very attentive to discipline. She was to discipline. She was instruction-provider to me now can I continue to move on self-direction. She was afraid for my uncertain world and supplier of all what I need. It is worthy to say that our solvency is beyond question. I have been brought up within plenty of riches. My golden daughters are also belonging to solvent families. So, not having address to poverty, rather one was without hesitation to compense for other in order for over flown solvency. Rebeka, to be said, purchased all of my necessities voluntarily. No direction she needs. And her smiling was like a sweet sister. She was mad wandering with me. Her day today action were listening music, going to cinema aiding study, displaying the bed-room by self-hands and side by side domination little bit using rough words, etc., etc. So, I have placed him in place of my sister.
But none of three did not know that. They did not know about Barsha also. So, they could not sum up their calculation. They knew me a loveless man. But I was happy. These golden girls surrounded by me had fulfilled my life. I had been received warming of love to Barsha. When they had been informed about Barsha, by the days, the sun of the day has been climbed up at mid-sky. Everybody had been warmed up by its hit. What is having with this Barsha, their have a shortfall of them? I could not say them that which you do have, that does not exist in Barsha and that is why Barsha has come in life. Barsha was having with a household quality. She wandered at time bringing accounts of life. She loved me in limit. The format of our family was over her head. She painted picture of household to the play of that over accounts crossing the love. She become eligible to be my wife in order for her severe efforts becoming me fit for the family side by side taking place for self removing others. She was more than a lover.
Talking in the line, the real love never has come in my life. Because of, Barsha was not like the same. She thought for future. I, so, had been accepted her. The life does not continue only emotion. A hard mistress is needed to be a wife who will only think for future. She was not more than that. Of course, she loved me and that was exposed within thinking moving me. My father liked this hard-accounting girl for the reason for that family.
Many can think that the story may be long watching the starting of the story. But there is no reason to be long this story. My golden girls are busy with their selves families. The golden girls are now scattered throughout the world. Girls of riches have been married in unscheduled countries. Their lives are likely the same.
The princess coming from different countries flew them. I am now with family associated with Barsha being rescued from them. Barsha is busy with accounts of her family.
Our little daughter is playing on the floor. I smiled looking at her ending my story. She also laughed meaninglessly looking at me for why. I unnecessarily told her the story is ended here. I don't know what she understood.
DISREPUTE
Rahela is charming with an expressional lofty body structure and not also bad in appearance. She passes her days working in different houses. There is no specific work. It includes husking, cleaning yard, making fuel stick, washing utensils, bringing water and such others. Simultaneously she also complies with small bits work of others. Sewing quilt, repairing torn paper are also her leisure works. She gets work and never Rahela denies anybody. This is not for hardship but mainly she subscribes it as an honor. She is like this and she is unable to deny anyone when requested.
This is not enough to tell about her. She is so much shameful and modest that she can not up her eyes to anybody, either a girl or boy. It is just like a girl of a temple of the primitive period, who works always with no demand. She never raises any resistance. She with absolute simplicity and now she is a damsel. It has become problem for this to work every where as it may create undesired names and if once happens then it will be difficult to be married. She is poor and this is a reason and if there is bad names then none will marry her.
Residence of Rahela is by the side of a public road, surrounded by trees and creeps having a small dark environment always. Throughout the year there remains unclean water in the ponds with rotten leaves. It is so cold in the winter that it creates the jaws inactive if taken in the mouth. Rahela never feels it a problem, as if the body is made of steel. She takes her full body bath in that water. As she has no winter dress she moves in residence bare foot and wearing only sari and blouse when it is winter. Yet Rahela is happy. She passing days with her work having food someday and not having food some day and all these features denying the situation concludes that she passes happy days.
Many men moves through the public road by the side of the residence of Rahela and truly Rahela does not care for that. And if she stares she will be able to see a little with the small scattered hollows of dense trees and creeps. Some times she feels to stand at the corner of the residence, to seethe movement of people, for a little moment. But for unknown reason, it does not happen. In fact she does not have much time also after doing work in the houses of others and then the work for her own in the residence. But she does not mind, because she does not have anybody of her choice, for whom she needs to stand waiting by the side of the road.
Most recently she suddenly becomes attentive. Somebody while going through the road gives a sound of two lips, a kind of singing whistle. The sound is strong. Rahela feels an amusement in mind, reason of which not known and she somehow thinks that the whistle of lips are for her. She does not understand what she would do. One day, suddenly, she feels a desire to the person who gives such sound. When she hears the sound of lips she very smoothly but hurriedly goes to corner of the house. She becomes surprised to see Fazu. Then Fazu is the person who does it! Rahela settled to do an amazing things to Fazu.
Very softly she calls Fazu
- Fazu Bhai where did you go?
- In the west side of the village to see trees and some unripe coconut
also.
- What is about your business?
- Doing somehow, not bad.
- I heard you have purchased a television?
- Yes I did, but black and white. Let come one day. I shall show you movie.
In the evening of the Friday a Bengali Movie is shown, not very bad. But being it black and white it is not so amusing. It would be good if the television would colored.
If the mind is colored then black and white movie also appears colored. Your mind is colorful. How sweet the whistle in lips you give! It enters the mind.
- Is it?
- Yes and I came hearing the sound of lips.
- I think I am very much lucky. I think you have understood something?
- What is that?
- No, ... nothing.. this does not mean anything.
- How could I? I don't know reading writing. I am even not able to write
my own name. But if make me understand then I shall be able.
- Nothing there is not understand in it, I, I mean...I... you...
- What is to me?
- I like you a little.
- Why it is little! Why not much?
- No its not like that, it is much.
- A bit more will not do. It will need a lot of good.
- Then take it to be very much.
- If my father knows then something bad will be on your future. Let me go now.
- You have told me nothing.
- Not now.
- Why? Tell right now.
- Nothing to tell and everything needs not to be told. Let me go. I shall have to do some work.
Telling so Rahela in a moment goes away in the dense trees out of sight. Fazu without a glance of eye stares to that. He feels his two foots are stuck up with the earth. He forgets to move. Then Rahela is not unwilling and where he will keep this delight?
Rahela does not understand when the time has passed in course of work. Yet in gaps of work she thinks the words of Fazu. Does Fazu really loves him? May be. May be not. Recently Fazu appears to be nice to see. Black hair with oil and combed well, so nice! Wearing costly dress with likewise rapper on the body and placard lungi. He earns handsome amount with the business of trees and unripe coconut. So he has a pride in his movement. Moreover he is the owner of only television in the area.. May be black and white. So what? No other has black and white television. So it is not impossible to have some pride in his mind.
Rahela laughs in her own mind. If she becomes the wife of Fazu then she will be able to watch television sitting in the room of Fazu, though she is not literate yet she will be able to learn seeing the things. Moreover Fazu has told him that she loves her and it is possible everything in love. Fazu will teach her.
Fazu is not also well educated. He was for some days in primary level. But he is skilled in business. Complex account of tree is under his easy control. He can make account of a tree seeing it only and then he tells the price. If he would tell on imagination then he would be loser. Fazu is not like that, he is a skilled businessman.
Like the tree he does not make any mistake to know a woman. Its evidence is that she likes a strong structured woman like Rahela. The most reviling person will also not be able to tell something bad about her body structure. Even such one is not easily seen. Fazu has targeted the correct point. He is a good selector.
Though this emotion of love makes her delighted yet she has thorn hit in her mind about Fazu and it is that Fazu is married. He has a little son. Then is it that she will live with another wife of Fazu being a co-sharer wife? How it is possible? She is not married! She is a recent damsel with full chastity. May be poor they are, so what? She has a value in the mind of young men for marriage. It is possible that she will be able to collect one for herself. But she becomes a bit bewildered when she thinks about dower money of the marriage. Her father is poor and have no mentionable sources. He is suffering from disease of lungs, always have cough, and unable to do any work. He is completely depended upon Rahela. But the man is very peaceful and does not create any complexity. If given then he will eat and if not given he will not eat. He will not shout. In this sense he is a good man and for all these reasons Rahela likes her father a bit more than others. When she gets food from different houses after work she brings it to the house and eats together. Rahela has none other than his father. Her mother died long before, when Rahela was a little girl. Her father has not married again. His family is comprised with his daughter only
Rahela can find solution as how she will be able to go her husband's house leaving her helpless father and in consideration to the same it is better to get married nearby. She will be able to take care of her father. In such situation Fazu is not bad for selection. His residence is nearby, after some houses he has his residence. To say it clearly there is only a channel between the two houses.
Rahela has unlimited thoughts about married man Fazu. She thinks over many aspects, but not become able to come to a good and acceptable conclusion always. She understands the solvency of Fazu and on the other hand insolvency of self. But she cannot be able to feel comfort to think of living with a woman who is already a wife of Fazu. How it is possible? Besides she understands that the character of Fazu is not good, always hankering after the girls and he has some bad names in this respect. Fazu is fashionable and so skilled to get attachment of girls. The most important thing is that why he married so earlier.
Recently Fazu is found in the public way frequently. Particularly it is after getting positive attitude from Rahela. He seems to have unlimited delight in his mind. So he is eager to the last extent. Without any reason he moves around the residence of Rahela, gives whistle of lips and it cant be told that this is not appreciable to Rahela. She has some hesitation, and in all she has a mixed sentiment on all these things. But before thinking over well about bad or good, present or future she already in secret had time with Fazu several times the dense jungle by the side of the residence. Fazu does business of wood. She can move speedily in the jungle without any sound, as if a cat, keeping his presence there not known to others.
Rahela remains always afraid. If her father knows it then may be she will be ousted from the house. Openly he will tell that a daughter like garbage is not needed to him. Go out of the house. How Rahela will then be appeared before her father. And what will the local people will say about it? Everybody will turn face from her and they will tell " Shit! Rahela, are you so bad? This was not known to us."
Those who will tell like this are no less bad than Rahela and they have already done such work and were quite able to keep secret. The bad man has the strongest shout and Rahela particularly fears them.
Time passes in the way of its own. Night comes after day and day comes after night. When it is full moon then it is waiting the darkest night. The spring in the mind of Fazu touches the heart of Rahela beyond knowledge of others. The fall of rain drops in the life of Rahela makes both showered again and again. Everything proceeds in the way of nature Crossing the norms and right ways starring, their own demand of lives find their own ways with its own rules. At times Rahela becomes pregnant as a result of being uncared for a single moment.
Rahela tells the situation to Fazu. She had hope that Fazu will be very much happy. But Fazu does show any remarkable reaction hearing the news, rather he appears to be indifferent about, absolutely careless. Rahela becomes astonished and at the same time she becomes perplexed. Is it that she has done her own destruction by herself? Now the rolling yarn of kites of her life is on the hands of Fazu. If Fazu wants then he can bring her down to earth from the sky and if he wants then cutting the yarn he can allow her fly away to the unknown destination. If it happens like that then where she will go, where she will stand? Rahela finds no way. She never faced such complex situation in her life before. Yet she becomes unable to tell the same to anybody. She thinks and thinks always on the matter.
Fazu does not come here like before. Rahela not also tells anything. What is the benefit to tell? Faju is unable to give her any decision. He gives pressure to go to the town for abortion. But Rahela is not at all wants to destroy this crop of love. Rahela does not understand many things , but he hears a sound of steeping forward of some thing in his heart and that is growing slowly in his womb. The said abstract soul cries and tells her "Mother, don't destroy me".
After thinking a lot Rahela takes decision by herself. If Fazu does not marry him yet he will not destroy the soul in his womb. She tells this truth to Fazu very clearly. Fazu remains stands still for a while. He can not say anything. Without any sound Rahela goes out and at time Fazu also leaves the place. Day light is then intolerable to him. What problem has been created for him by Rahela!
Fazu becomes unable to marry Rahela as he has wife and son. Day passes and then months. Rahela's abdomen became puffed up and at times it becomes like a pillow. Now she has been detected. Though none tell yet everybody understands that the person behind the scene is Fazu. Bad names of Rahela is spread among all very shortly.
But Rahela remains determined.
When the village leaders came to know the thing they arranged a conference. Fazu for himself manages everything in exchange of money. Rahela does not complaint against Fazu. She clearly informs everybody that she has no complaints against Fazu. She is the mother of this child not yet born. She will bear all the responsibilities by herself in respect of the child. Everybody becomes surprised. All the leaders undertake decision that Fazu will compensate Rahela on payment of Taka ten thousand. Rahela will make everything all right. Wife of Fazu under no circumstances agrees to take Rahela as the second wife of her husband.
Time passes away a bit, as if hurriedly. The wombs is filled in with the unborn baby, but Rahela is in suspicion for unknown reason that she will not be able to see the child when it will born. She does not know why her mind tells like this. She thinks her baby will not be able to see the light and air of the world.
The suspicion of Rahela becomes true. When she was returning to her residence doing works in different houses she feels intolerable pain in her abdomen. She tries to tolerate the pain somehow, but it does not decrease, rather increases.
Suddenly Rahela feels that a stream of blood is coming down through her thighs. She gives birth to dead male child. Rahela becomes senseless and when she came to the sense she saw number of persons in the room. She weeps, feels ashamed and tries to hide her face. She hears that the men in the room are telling that oh creator! and at last the sin is end and we are relieved.
The dead child of Rahela is put to grave in that place where she would stand in waiting for Fazu. This was only one request to all to put the child to grave here.
Bones of illegal child are valuable for psychic activities. So in spite of illness Rahela guards the grave of her child so that none can lift the dead body to take away. Rahela becomes determined in mind that till the bones of her baby will not be absorbed in the soil she will continue to guard the grave.
IN SEARCH OF YELLOW RAIN
I was never in habit to flee from the school. Either I went to school and remained there or it would happen that I would not go to school. I did either of this two with my decision. I would believe that there is no hard and fast rule to go to school everyday and on the other hand there should not such habit that the school would be avoided always. In this way my life was attached to school and not attached to school. Both were the way of my life. But the difference of fleeing from the school was that if I would not go to school then I would remain in the residence. In it there was nothing difference of life. But there is a joy in fleeing from the school and it is different. So one day I decided to flee from the school with my friend Nayan.
In a little distance from the school there was mettaled road. The road remains busy with movement of bus, truck and van with different materials. Some rickshaw also moves in the road, but it was very less. I told Nayan that-
If we go to a distant through this way then we shall find a place named Lebukhali. There is a river and about one mile of the river has been dried. There is a Braille Bridge under which we shall find abundant leaves of Hogla tree. Let us flee one day from the school and go there. We shall see the beauty of dense leaves of Hogla tree in the vast dried land of the river. There is ferry ghat at the end of the bridge where there is a small river still. It will be very much delighting. We shall be able to see ferry.
Nayan became very glad. I can describe a thing well.
Bus conductor seeing us laughed and told-
Where will you go?
I told, we will go to Lebukhali. We will see Braille bridge there.
You will have to pay fare.
No. We have not. Students do not need fare. (we had been wearing school dresses).
Sit here. (They allowed us to sit by the side of the driver).
Nayan laughed at me. I also laughed. He was a bit afraid, and the same position was in my case. I was the first boy in the class. Sir will search me entering the class first. When he will know that I have gone to travel keeping my books in the class then surely he will be annoyed with me. Surely he will call my elder second brother and will tell this. My brother will not be angry with me for any of my work. But I may face any accident and that will be the matter of thought to my brother.
Within a short period the bus arrived Lebukhali and the bus conductor got us down to the way at the bridge side. It was being evening then. We had been seeing the golden sun in the sky. In the two sides of the bridge the dense forest of Hogla leaves. Nayan and I caught hands of each other and ran forward. This is the first time that we fled from the school and came to such distance. All bindings of life became far with our delight. We laughed to our last end. We started to proceed to the end of the bridge. It was a long bridge.
We walked through the side of the bridge and at times we got up to the bridge, sat on the railing allowing our legs to the downward. I told to Nayan-
- Life is so beautiful; and we would have been unable to understand if we would not come here.
- You tell like an aged man. Where have you learnt? You may be a writer in future.
- I don't know. But if I could be the golden sun then that would be the best for me. See, how beautiful the golden sun in the end of the afternoon! Nice!
- A bit color of yellow, isn't it? Nayan told.
- May be. But every body had no such eyes to visualize it and those who have they may not live long. You see the learned men die very suddenly.
- Right you are. He told.
- I always tell the right. I am the son of sorrows. The real cause of concept of me is my sorrows.
- Please don't talk like a philosopher. We have come to travel and that we have done through leaving the school. I don't know what will happen if it is known to others in my residence.
- Leave those accounts. Will happen what is to be happened. We don't come everyday.
Nayan laughed. He laughs very nicely. I also laughed.
The afternoon was being end and the evening was coming. Gradually the golden color of the sun was being yellow. I told Nayan-
- Let us be hurry. We shall have to go to the end of the bridge. There we shall see the ferry ghat.
We moved hurriedly and when we reached the ferry ghat then the sun was about to set. A return bus came. We got up and to the evening we came to our house.
While leaving me Nayan told-
- What will be my answer if asked in the residence?
I answered-
- You will tell that we have gone in search of a yellow rain.
May be Nayan answered like that. He died on that night.
I remember what Nayan said on that day. He told,
- What a yellow like color, isn't it!
I told him-
Everybody has no such eyes to see like you. Those who have may be they will not survive long.
BIOSCOPE
When any poultry, cow or a calf become much healthy then the girls of the cultivators family members thinks as to how much money could be earned through selling the same. May be the sale proceed will meet the requirement of fees of their school going children. If not the amount is much more to meet the higher demand of senior class then banana, arum, mango, and other cultivable products will be sold to meet the remaining requirement. All these happen before the eyes with tears of the children or the water of the tongue. They cry either for love to them or for their greed to eat. In spite of that all these are taken to the market to sell resisting the desire of the children.
In our home all these are happened frequently. We have a big family of ten brothers and sisters. Examination either of them would remain throughout the year. At the same time necessity books, ink, pens and very necessary new wear (essential) were always remained. Thinking of this necessity or for habit a hen became very attractive with health eating its own and snatching the others. The neighbors told if the hen is sold in the market then at least one hundred Taka will be gained, even the amount may be more than that. In that period one hundred Taka was a big amount. Because foolish inflation and frequent fall of local currency rate were hardly be heard.
At last we had nothing to do. One day my mother in the evening convinced me to take the said hen to take in the local market of the village to sell it.
At first she made me fit to go to the market. She gave me the best wear to use and also got me wearing the lungi well and strongly in my waist. Thereafter she brought the bottle of oil and taking a good quantity she used the same to my whole body. In this way she made my body and face more or less appreciable as my body and face were not clean and smooth. I found my face and body are also like the healthy hen that I would have to sell. However to the end of my sorrow I proceeded towards the market taking the hen in my lap. In the way many men told me many things and all those relating to the cost of the hen. But I could not find any opportunity to sell the same, as my expected price of the hen was not available.
I went to the market, found the corner side where the hens were being sold and bind the hen to a stick with the rope that was with its leg. Thereafter I stood pretending to be an efficient businessman at its side. I had pride in my mind because none of the hens in the market were not like my one. It was a made up hen.
I did like an experienced businessman applying all policy to raise the price. There was only one cause and it was that then there was an epidemic of poultry. The market was full of hens with disease of particular type. I was not frustrated because my hen was healthy and in touch of anybody the hen was making sound in its own way. Everybody was in the opinion that the hen was not bad and still the hen is not attacked with disease. I clearly informed all that my hen was completely out of disease.
Since there was epidemic so many men purchased hen with less price. Though a number of them were dying in the way while those were taking to the residence. Yet almost all the men were purchasing hens, as it was low cost.
I asked for a high price and so none was found to be willing to buy my hen. Buyers in the local market were also limited. I became a bit frustrated. At that time I came to know that a bioscope has come to the market and with one Taka only one can see a total show of the bioscope. I had Taka one in my pocket. I did not want to leave the opportunity. I requested the person sitting by my side to take care of my hen and I went to see the bioscope. So delighted I became to see the bioscope. After seeing the bioscope I came running to my hen. With surprise I found that my hen is not bind with the stick. Only the stick is remaining.
I came to know that the hen has freed herself from the stick and fled away. Many of the nearby persons tried to catch, but failed. It has been fled away to the dense jungle near the market. I became very much afraid. What shall I tell after going to the home? It was so costly. In my residence everybody will be angrier when they will hear that I have lost the hen, as I was not with it for my going to see bioscope. It was evening. Local market generally held at the evening. I became brave and entered the jungle, searched a lot but I could not find the hen. It became night, darkness surrounded the site and then I proceeded to the home. I was not very easy to walk with the sorrow of losing hen.
I came to near of the home but could not have courage to enter. I remained sitting on the field near the home. I was unable to find out as to what will be my answer at the home. Why did I go to see the bioscope? This was the big question to me than the loss of hen. Did I go to the hell?
At last I decided to enter the home. It was hard decision for me even more than the war decision and for this I was sitting for long time in the field. I entered the house with fear. My father saw me and asked me -
- Where is the hen?
I told-
- It has gone out from my hand and went to the jungle. I searched a lot but could not find.
He laughed and told -
- Nothing to be worried. The hen has been found. It was on the tree of a house near the market. They could know that that was our hen and without making late they gave it to our home.
I heaved a shy of relief as if I came out from a dangerous situation. I felt that the pressure of a stone has been removed from my chest. I was so delighted then that it was not possible to describe to anybody. But I thought over the matter very much that how the hen could gets up on the tree with its heavy body?
I remembered the scene of the bioscope. In that scene I could see there Tajmahal, Howrah Bridge and Ahsan Manjil and along with the same there was another scene of climbing tree by a beautiful heroine named Hema Malini, who was awfully heavy.
GERAKUL LODGE
It will be less if we compare the silence of Gerakul Lodge with the deadly silence of graveyard. It is natural that where there are four damsels in a house sound of falling comb while combing will be usual. But I doubt if anyone have ever heard the sound even the fall of the comb. When the girls would have been out from their residence then it would appear that the heroines of decade sixty are going to play in the cinema with their unparallel combed oily hair.
I would always have my look at the smooth and clean part of the floor through the front veranda of Gerakul Lodge that could be seen through the space of pardah. Why did I stared to it was not known to me. I could understand it after long time. At that time many things of my life were changed. I was moving through a wrong way and stood at such a station from where the last train from there has already been left and there I am the only passenger there whose only work was to remain waiting the station platform.
The gentleman of Gerakul Lodge would do a small job. May be he was not well paid for which he had made a wooden room on the mettaled floor. He inherited this place from his deceased father. Some persons get something without valid reason and this was like that. There was no credit to get it or not the things could be avoided. Do you have true courage to think small and negligible a person who is lucky and at the same time a foolish?
However we have decided to make a bio-chemical report in small about Gerakul Lodge and at the same time to do biopsy of the persons residing there. But we don't want to have our decision like indecision of the medical science that happens very frequently. Simultaneously a fear is also being contaminated within me. Now a days politics is being entered slowly in our daily life in such way and in all that even we may have politics mixed with the bread without butter and have our breakfast completed. The literature is not also free from this fear. In fact I have not thought to write a story on Gerakul Lodge. Because already I have a fault of frequent moving from one reference to another. At the same time I talk much and at times I move from the original thing to other thing to discuss. Moreover there was abundant possibility to do like this while writing like a sensitive issue like Gerakul Lodge and the thing is almost a dangerous thing. At last while the paper and pen were near the hands so I started writing like a courageous person who has no idea of good and bad. At that time a question sounded in my mind-
- Who has told me to be very much attached with Gerakul Lodge? Is it the reason that the youngest girl of the house looks to you with a little difference and so you have such attraction to write about? I could not help resist lifting up my eyes. I tried to search out who tells a lot while I start to right. But I found none. Everybody in the residence is sleeping and now it is night in the arms of the watch.
I was telling about Gerakul Lodge. The house is situated by the side of the main road. The house is made of wood with shed of tin. The floor is mettaled. It needs to over jump the chowkat to enter. In this room there are four girls, young all and about to get married. I cannot tell that they will not be married. Many are eager but due to unknown reason they are not being advance. The boys of the mahalla are waiting with money under their disposal to decorate the entrance of Gerakul Lodge with flower, tree leaves and different colored items. But nothing is being happened and so the Gerakul Lodge is silent like graveyard. It is silent like cold water of pond with rotten leaves of the winter. No scent comes out from there and at the same time there is no bad smell also.
The housewife of Gerakul Lodge is busy throughout the year with domestic work. I doubt if anybody have seen her going out of the house. No question of me to see her. Though I always set my sight to the space of the pardah to see inside of the Gerakul Lodge without reason. But I have never seen her. In fact it is difficult to understand as to whether there is a housewife in Gerakul Lodge or not. May be she is without physical existence.
Everybody is interested, but what that brings to the life of Gerakul Lodge. As if the residents of Gerakul Lodge see nothing outside. As if there are in this world and not in this world. The girls go out tiptop, returned again, night comes, light dazzles, light out and then long sleep. Naturally it seems that there are living persons in the room. Daytime works are done usually and everybody thinks that the life in Gerakul Lodge is normal. Nothing more to understand. Residents of Gerakul Lodge never talk with other.
Suddenly I become more eager to know about it. When the youngest girl goes then I call and ask, is the life normal? She does not answer. This becomes insulting to me yet, due to unknown reason, I don't feel anything. Everything in Gerakul Lodge is like this and so there is nothing to feel insult.
Day to day my waiting becomes meaningless. I tried with total perseverance, yet the youngest girl does not see me. I think my movement near her is nothing more than an insect moving in front of her. None take care of these little things and day-to-day poverty falls upon Gerakul Lodge. But it is with so slow motion that to understand the change a machine will be necessary. Due to over age the man gets bed and the girls like before remaining silent. The wall of their house slowly diminishes and remains standing decaying bank of the ocean. All more or less knows this change. But everybody has own business. Who has enough time to see the wood made Gerakul Lodge and its residents?
I am also being a person of more age and get married. I have had my own children. Oily floor of Gerakul Lodge becomes uneven with slow decaying. The youngest girl is not seen as before. Discussion is being held about marriage of the third girls of Gerakul Lodge. But this is being happened with a very slow motion. Now there is none to think over these matters. Gerakul Lodge remains in silence of prison.
My son this year is being gone to the college. I am not very worried about him. He is modern and tiptop. He looks to the beautiful dazzling damsels and the girls are in the same way. So could be a bit relieved off from worry. I have left him with his own freedom.
He goes to the college for some days and slowly he starts to be a different. I asked him about any problem. Why are you seemed to be worried? He answered without seeing to me-
- Nothing, Dad. I am all right.
I marked him seeing the uneven floor of front veranda of Gerakul Lodge. If the pardah moves then a little can be seen there.
PHONE NUMBER OF THE HEAVEN
May be Saber Ali suffering from insanity. He is searching a phone number everywhere in the residence. His wife with age more than eighty and with cataract in the eyes when asked with her harsh voice -
- What you are searching? Then annoyance of Saber Ali raised in the peak. The sound of the world, which is the most unbearable and annoying to him, is the voice of his wife. Saber Ali can hear the song of the most intolerable voice of the man for hours together, but he cannot hear the voice of his wife at all. If this would have been possible then he would commit suicide long before to get relief from this voice, but he can not do it and left the decision as it was a sin and cowardice. For this reason he has been living for the last sixty three years bearing this annoying voice. When he married then the age of his wife was eighteen years and now Sabera Begum has attained the age of eighty one.
Only the reason to select her for marriage was the similarity of their name. But in exception of the similarity in the name he was unable to find out any other similarity in life with his wife. This was not supposed to be available. Saber Ali comes of an aristocrat family. He is a man of generosity. His forefathers had some small type of landlord attitude. He studied abroad. Once he had desire to be wise economist. But due to unknown reason his desire was not fulfilled. But he has not been failed at all. He could be a big officer of the government. He was a powerful officer. Many years before he has obtained retirement. Now he sleeps sitting in the veranda.
Saber Ali is a good singer. He has done some small programs also and those were praised with big hands. This was the matter of his youth. In the young age men have courage to do many things. Youth is the best period of life.
Saber Ali was always conscious about health. He goes out to walk in the morning throughout the year, irrespective of winter or summer. After retirement he became unwilling to like anything. He moved himself out of sight of the men. Now he remains sitting in the easy chair and starts drowse. In this way restlessness appears in him. This is not seemed to be normal. He himself is also becomes unable to understand the condition. This is not easy to remain sitting on the easy chair for long thirty years. It is not a matter of joke. But he feels self-satisfaction for this as he can do this. This is the thing that expresses his abnormality.
His abnormality first comes to the knowledge of their maidservant Farida. However Farida understanding something goes to Saber Ali. With a strong sensation, fear and dazzling eyes she tells in her harsh voice to Sabera Begum -
- Uncle seems to be a mad. He is whispering and telling something.
Sabrea Begum does not care for this with the information given by Farida. She slowly answered - An aged man does many things. You need not worry. Do your own work.
Farida goes to her work, but cannot be attentive. She always thinks that whether the uncle has become mad. She looks to the veranda during leisure of the work. She feels the condition of Mr. Saber to be unchanged. Farida becomes afraid. There is reason behind being afraid by Farida. She is more worried about her marriage rather than being worried about uncle. Uncle is an old man. He may be mad. But if the uncle becomes mad then who will arrange her marriage? After only one moth she is supposed to be married. The bridegroom is selected already. He is driver Kader, residing in the nearby house. Kader is a good boy, always joyous, but he steals some oil of the vehicle and sometimes he arranged additional work using the car.
He has no much demand in marriage. His parents only want some ornaments and some functions in the marriage. If her uncle becomes mad then it will be a disaster for her even more than the worst situation. They do not like Farida as a whole. If they get any good chance then they will get Kader married in somewhere else.
Farida becomes showered in tears. This situation makes her heart break. What will be her condition at last? Was this in her luck! The house where she passed her life up to youth, gave all her attention to work for them and all thoughts are related to them and now if the main person of that house becomes mad then what will be her condition? Farida had a doubt since some days before as her uncle lessen the talk with her. She cries now with sound suddenly. There is none to hear her cry and sorrow.
Mr. Saber is grumbling like an evil affected man. Yet Farida goes to him and stands by his side. With utter surprise of Farida he stares to her and smiled. Farida also with fear smiled to her and again with her most surprise Mr. Saber asked her-
- Can you say the phone number of the heaven?
Farida became astonished. She does not understand as to what will be the answer. She removes her from him. She became sure that her uncle has become really mad.
Day after day the condition of Saber Ali started to be worse than ever. His wife is not at all careful to this. She remains in her dark room throughout the day. Necessity of her is also very less. Farida now does not see any light of hope for her life.
One day Farida marked that Saber Ali is became out of the room and started going somewhere. Leaving her own work at hand she also started to go behind him. She keeps a safe distance from him so that Saber Ali cannot understand her presence. Farida became surprised to see that he purchased a packet of cigarettes, a matchbox from the shop of the turning point. Farida knows well that her uncle has no addiction of smoking. Not even she has seen him to smoke out of fancy. She became utterly surprised to see the activity of her uncle. She feels seriously to run to his uncle and stop him. But she stopped herself, as her uncle will be annoyed with her if he can understand.
Farida continues following her uncle. After going a little far from the shop he entered into a phone fax shop. Farida remained observing as to see what her uncle does. When Saber Ali asked the shopkeeper to tell the phone number of the heaven then shopkeeper became wobble. He laughed a little and asked-
- Sir, are you making fun with me?
- Why shall I make fun? The clear answer of Saber Ali.
- Sir, there is no phone number of the heaven. You are making wrong.
- But there is. It was with me, but lost somewhere. I am searching, but not finding it. If you have then give it to me and if not then you will not give. But don't make any audacity. I am very much in need of the number.
- Sorry, sir. I have no phone number with me.
- All right. A straightforward answer like a gentleman. Thanks to you. I don't like any intricacy.
Saber Ali came out trembling. Suddenly rain started. Farida came forward and caught hand. First slow rain and then it became torrential. They walked to the residence. Farida was unable to sleep at that night. While lying on the bed she thinks as to where phone number of the heaven can be found. At last while it is dawn the she could come to a solution. She does not share this to anybody. Then she had her head an abundant want of sleep.
Next day Farida went to the shop and purchased a new mobile and came to residence. She handed over the phone number to her uncle and told-
- Uncle, phone number of the heaven has been obtained. You can call over the phone and you will be able to talk.
Saber Ali took the mobile in his hand. Farida came to her bedroom pushing buttons. New mobile of Farida rings. Saber Ali being so eager asked-
- Is it the phone number of heaven?
From other side the sound of Farida came-
- Yes, this is the phone number of heaven. You are welcome. Tell me which you want to tell.
He became more eager hearing the answer and told-
- Is it possible to arrange a good seat for me?
- Yes, it is possible. Farida answered.
- And hear me. If my wife tells about any seat then tell her that there are no more seats in the heaven. The last seat has already been booked.
- Well, sir. No booking shall be given to her. We shall mark it.
- It's all right. Thank you.
- Thanks for you also for giving this booking. But from the side of the heaven there is a request to you.
- What is the request?
- A girl named Farida lives with you. This seat is given to you canceling her seat. For this you will pay one lac Taka for the purpose of her marriage. We shall consider this as the price of your seat. Have you any objection?
- No. I have no objection. I shall give her a cheque.
- Not any cheque. You will pay in cash. It will be problem for the innocent girl to draw amount from the bank.
- All right. There is cash money in hands. I shall give her from this fund. Now I keep stop.
- It's OK. And hear me now. Don't call in the phone number of heaven again. It will be the cause of cancellation of your booking if you call for the second time. This will be punishment.
- All right. I shall not phone again.
- Then, torn out the paper with phone number.
Farida hears the sound of torn out the paper and then she keeps the phone in her hand slowly.
Kader and Farida are in the bed. It is torrential rain outside. Suddenly Farida can remember the happenings of that night. The night when her uncle went outside the residence and Farida followed her there was heavy rain while they returned. At first small but at last it was torrential. It was like the night of today.
After one week of that night her uncle died and the aunt died just after one week. There was an unnatural similarity of their death as was the similarity in names.
ONCE I LOVED HELEN
Helen works in a garments company. I am a bus conductor. We live in the same slum area. We are directly in happiness and sorrow both of us for our living side-by-side residence. But we never talked each other in respect of our context of lives. This is because Helen is married and I also. Though Helen does not say anything about her yet I am aware of her life from the discussion of others. The family of Helen lives in the village. The family faces scarcity with a number of her brothers and sisters. Out of this situation she comes to Dhaka for want of an employment. An employment is also arranged in a garments company. Days passed. Jamal Bhai came into contact with her as a result of work together. Thereafter marriage and leading a family life. She was good in education. She is SSC in science group. I respect her for this, but remain in far. She does not know anything about this.
My story of life is not very enchanting. I was a street boy, became introduced with senior and after some time a bus conductor. I have no mentionable relation of my own in this world. A distant relation aunt I have and she comes to me sometimes. I don't know actual relation of my father and mother. Many men tell many things about them. I hear and pass away from my mind. After introduction with Malatilata we were for some days in attachment, then a very simple arrangement of marriage and more to it very simple domestic life.
On the day of my duty I moved out from my living place in the early morning. When I return then it becomes deep night. Then only one person remains sitting in front of the door and she is Helen. I know she remains sitting for none, not for me at all. She does not sleep well. She remains sitting alone under the open sky up to deep of the night. When she goes then she heaved big breathe. All the achievements and no achievements of life mixes with this deep breathe and the distress goes to the air. I wish much to ask about this, but I can never do it. If my wife knows then there will be disaster.
The way I lived my early life was not helpful to be good. But in spite of my last endeavor I could not be a bad boy. I started smoking, but for piercing in the throat I left it. I started drinking, but did not feel well. In my line many of us take heroine to forget the lapse of life. I had no such sorrow. I was not able to find the reason to take heroine. At last without any valid reason I remained a good boy. Of course there was no meaning of remaining such good boy. No charm remains in life. Life without any diversity sometimes appears to be a gray color camel without fur. I saw the dream of colorful life, like anything light and colorful. Very smooth and fine.
It is about two months that I came here. I have not talked with Helen yet. It needs some reason to talk. There was no such reason. I am not habituated to talk shamelessly without reason, not even so shameless to find a reason anyway. So I had no talk yet with Helen. But a very deep hope sometimes moves me. Some day will come when I shall talk with her. Men live with hope.
After hard work throughout the day I come to residence, get fresh after getting bath. I take my meal and then sitting in the veranda I smoke and make accounts of life. I have no abundant dream. A little colorful life like light wind of the evening and feather of bird. Then I think very much to float in the air. I wish to sit by the side of Helen and talk with her. But I cannot do that. My wife after completing her work comes to me and we go to sleep. The full moon then spreads light in the nature. Helen is sitting in front of her door of the small room alone. Her husband is then in deep sleep inside the room. Since we live side-by-side we hear the sound of breathe each other. This is the only consolation of life.
On one break day I came to the residence after loitering outside and found a very noisy situation. My wife Malatilata told me that Jamal Bhai has been an accident while he was going to his village home. Helen was crying very much. There was none to take her there to the place. I wished very much to tell that I could take her. But out of fear of Malatilata I could not tell anything like that. I also wished to tell something with Helen. But I could not find out as to what to tell. I was never been learnt to talk in such disaster. In fact many things remain out of our learning. The world is an education place which is not complete.
Malatilata at last made a solution of the problem. She searched it out. She came to me and requested to take Helen to the place of accident. I was wishing like that, as if in spite of unwillingness I became agreed. Within a short time we went out. We started going in the same rickshaw sitting side by side. Only the necessary matter we talked in the rickshaw. We did not talk much. Without any call to each other we talked. In fact I can't remember the topics on which we talked first. I cannot tell which one of us talked first. The matter was held without our full sense. This was my first meaningful travel in my life. All other travels of my life were negligible to me on that day.
We reached the hospital where Jamal Bhai was kept while it was midnight. He was senseless then. Helen remained sitting on his bed near his head. Tears were coming out of her eyes. I was seeing the sad moment without any feelings. I could not understand whether I should lament for this or not. I stood there for long time and then came to veranda. It was full moon then. The dazzling moon was floating in the sky. I wished very much to fly. It would have been nice if men could fly.
Night became late. I don't know why my hunger and thirst were out of me. Moreover different type of gloominess has rushed upon me. In fact I cannot tell that I was in rest and at the same time it cannot be told that I was restless. Practically I was in the line of thin border of life and death, on which a diminishing dot gradually been wiped out to the endless destination. Suddenly Helen came and stood by my side. I did not become surprise much. This was the first time that Helen directly told me something clearly. With clear voice she asked me -
- Will you eat something? I think you are very much hungry.
I answered-
- Will you eat? I am bringing some food.
- Nothing much. Yet something will have to be taken. We shall have to be here all the night. There is no space here to sleep. Doctor is unable to tell when sense of your brother will come.
- Let me go. If I can arrange something.
I came out of the hospital. I don't know what will be available here. I searched and found a shop of bread and banana. I purchased something from there to eat at night and in the morning. I have never dreamt of such simple arrangement in my life first.
I wished to eat Chinese with Helen. But now it is only bread and banana. Men cannot understand the unlimitedness of the creator and I am, a conductor, negligible than cockroach.
Under the abundant white moonlight, a gloomy night though was very negligible to endless period of this universe but in that night I was feeling within me a heavenly sorrow. I thought that if the night is prolonged endlessly then I should have to take decision like death. In fact then I wanted a dazzling light. After this restless night we two shall walk on the first light of the day with bare foot. Then Jamal Bhai might have to die. But I don't want his death. The innocent man he is. Let him be survived.
Never any night is endless. No day also is endless. In the dawn Jamal Bhai came to sense. Helen came to the veranda, informed me that and went to the room. I walked slowly to his bed and stood at the side of the bed. He became surprised to see me. He burst into cry. Tears came out endlessly. I also cried truly. At the end of that melancholy night some dried stone pieces of the hospital floor became wet with the tears of a very negligible conductor. When dawn light appeared then I became ready to go. Being ready was nothing mentionable. It was only a mental preparation. In fact I should have gone from there. I gave some money to Helen and came out to the road. Throwing two persons in hands of luck when I was going then I thought that the world is actually like this. None can bear the load of sorrows of others for long time. I was also being unable. I am not out of this count. However the news of accident of Jamal Bhai meanwhile reached to his relations and they are coming to the place.
After reaching Dhaka I felt my body a little light. It was like that something has been lost and this was feeling of no attraction to anything. I was not being unable to find out the problem in me. I don't believe in love. I believe in time and in practicality. I depend on necessity. I fulfilled my demand. I dream to float in the air. I want to fly. I am a bit selfish in type. In fact my honesty is my selfishness. I have no mentionable desire in life. I give so much I can give and if unable I move from there. I have never felt any greed in me. I am never been much attacked with not getting the desired.
Jamal Bhai became recovered and returned. Helen goes to her own way of life. She takes hand of disabled Jamal Bhai and goes to the work place. I saw it. I like it much. My own sorrow becomes more negligible. I laugh an absent-minded laugh. The world is a peculiar place. Everything happens here.
One day suddenly Helen came to my residence. I was smoking. I hide it seeing her. She mentioned me telling-
- Can I sit here for a moment?
- Yes. Why not. No permission is needed to sit. Where is Jamal Bhai?
- Gone to a friend's house. I was feeling lonely. So I came here to talk with you.
- But before that I tell you something. I like you. It is not safe to talk much with me.
- I know.
- How could you?
- The girls can understand many things.
- Is it? I did not know that the girls know so much. If I would know then I would not like for fear of being identified.
- Nothing to fear. But no hope there is. I never see any dream connecting to you.
- But you like me.
- I don't know. Here you see some water (she pointed to the water jug). This is comprised of two things. One is oxygen and another is hydrogen and when they mix then it becomes water. But there are some conditions. It needs proper heat and proper pressure and also a proper environment and then water will be formed. In the language of science water is written as H2O. In one side H and in another side O and in the middle 2. I am the H and you are O. If we were two then it would be good. But there is a 2 in the middle. This two is the two partners of our life. I think you have understood.
- Yes I could.
- Then let me go.
- Come again.
In this way the day passed and night comes. Complying the rules of the world there comes the dark and there comes the full moon with abundant light. Everything goes in its own way. In my head there is the story of water and love. I started to believe in love. Love is a matter of belief.
Then it was the rainy season. Sudden rain was abundant. One day it was a heavy shower. I saw Helen coming. I remembered that story of water and love. I plucked a green leaf from the side of the road and spread it by two hands. Within a short time the middle of the leaf filled in with the water from the sky. By this time Helen came in front of me. She had no umbrella and she was showered with rainwater. I advanced the clean water of the leaf towards her. A little sweet smile appeared in the corner of lips of Helen.
DEER IN SHOWER
In a certain morning during rainy season suddenly I became very much overwhelmed to go to the zoo. Not that I am a renowned animal lover. Yet I feel much to go there sometimes. Though everything there is man made, artificial things, yet going out from the crowd of this busy city and staying for sometimes with the animals in the cage is amazing to me. So I go there. This outskirts of the city, the small man made kingdom of animals becomes for some times at least, a delighting and enjoyable place for me. My arrival on that day also because of the same thing. Not to tell about like or dislike I feel contentment when I remain there.
It can not be told that the day was very cloudy and the sky was full of rain. Rather it can be told that the sky was almost clear in spite of being the time rainy. The wind was a little cold. The leaves of the tree were slowly trembling with blowing gentle breeze. In spite of all those things I was a bit restless and felt some unworthiness in mind. There was a cause behind it I know. I have fallen in love with a girl and the thing much more was that I had no opportunity to tell it to her. Naturally my inner feelings were restless. I was trying my level best to take normal breath, but I was not being able. I was rather feeling that am an inexperienced labor of a factory full of smoke, breathing of whom is being stopped for remaining such a place. But the fact was that the sky was clear, the air was fresh and clean. But we can not avoid the inner feeling and that is the main thing of life. The out world very seldom can touch it.
I entered the zoo, but did not care to stand by the side of any cage. Rather I felt well to proceed to the backside of the zoo and I went there walking. I thought the side would be a beat free from crowd, at least little than the front side area. Basically the main gate and the nearby area are like a place of always crowd, which can't be avoided.
I felt well while walking. I did not see anything new by my side while I was going in front and mildly staring to things. Some new animals have been added in the zoo and the mummy of a giraffe. I could find that died some days before. Meaningless! These are the changes I could find. At times I arrived to the last end of the zoo. The place was lonely. I sat on the grass very slowly.
The loneliness has its own effect. It will awake the man inside you. The sound horrible which is unable to awake the inside man in the crowd of the town can easily and unavailingly do the same work when a man remains in a lonely place. Just at that moment the pages of register of life incomplete will appear in front of your eyes. You will find there abundant accounts of life not yet completed and at the same time number of small well and woes of life will appear with wide open mouth and those will help you to look at a gloomy lotus leave for hours together without any account of time. I did the same thing. I brought out the mix of life from within me and concentrating upon them I passed several hours. During this time I felt once a little hungry. I felt to leave the fetish belly of the city life for a moment vacant and this will be rest to it. It is rather good here to be lost in the region of thoughts.
The sky yet was clear with no sign of cloud. In the light bound clear environment and with a little play of shade and sun the place became more amazing. I was enjoying really. Suddenly one or two small fishes were jumping on the water. I thought this to play of them. I laughed a meaningless laugh seeing it. What's that? Anybody can laugh.
I could not continue to enjoy this loneliness as a number of boys and girls arrived there and sitting a little distance from me they started chatting. They were telling so much that I had been broken in my thoughts. But due to unknown reason I could not be annoyed with it. They were five or six in number. The girls and boys were equal. They were also talking on their well and woes of life, attachments, love and all those many things. I marked that girl was staring to me again and again. She was nice looking. The boys with them were all healthy in exception of one. He was short having ill health. But appeared to be very smart. That very boy was the mate of the gloomy nice girl and that gloomy girl was staring to me again and again without knowledge of others. I marked it but pretended to be not very much important to me. In fact she was able to attract me to her.
They stayed there for long time. They ate nuts and chatted. The ill health young man with his less costly mobile having weak camera photographed the girl. The girl seemed to be not very happy for this. The boy could understand the dissatisfaction and gave hope to purchase a new costly camera. But that also appeared not to very effective for the girl. It appeared seeing the boy that his financial condition is not very good. May be the boy has given such hope many times to the girl meanwhile.
Suddenly they woke up and went away. I could not understand whether their going was delightful to me or not. But I did not feel easy. While they went the girl with her gloomy face stared to me again and again. Her slim figure was just started to be swinging before my eyes like a curtain. I became a bit bewildered. I felt her eyes were to say something to me.
I remained there for sometime more meaninglessly. May be this was a silent bath in small pond of love or to search out myself in the water parts to make me fit for the urban life. These types of places always make a man different and disordered. It appears to oneself like a robot with separating parts. To go ahead of life again it will be needed to arrange well.
Suddenly I felt not to remain sitting there any more. No attraction further became able to keep my eyes attached with the place. I woke up. The body particularly the two foots appeared to be heavy. May be this is sudden idleness. However without thinking much I woke up hurriedly. I thought to pass some time with the animals of the zoo. The hippopotamus is remaining in the water secretly and only the hole of the nose is appearing.
I became surprised to see the sky. I was unable to understand the cloud has been widened throughout the sky slowly. But I did not feel any hurry within me. In fact today is for me and for my idleness. I had no work today and it was willfully avoided. If there is rain let it be. If I do not be showered then at least I shall be able to see it. I can not bath in the rainwater. It makes suffering from fever. This is a peculiar problem.
Within the eye sight of me the rain started. First it was with small drops and then gradually it became more. I have already then near the big cage of the deer. The rain was almost enough and then it became torrential. I did not want to take shelter under any shed due to unknown reason. The deer were also being showered with me. Suddenly I felt that I am not alone. One more is also being showered with me and that one was none but the beautiful girl I have seen a little before.
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